Blue Collar Adoption

Carob

2010-05-18T13:48:00.001-04:00

Imagine you’re about to check out of the store after buying all the tedious groceries and household items. At the end of the isle you see that super expensive, organic, fair trade, self sustained farm grown chocolate. Several different varieties with beautiful pictures on recycled paper. In that moment you can’t decide. Do I buy it? Do I indulge?

Later that night after loading the dishwasher, getting the baby to sleep, changing over the laundry and chasing the teenager to bed, you finally take that moment. You get a cup of tea/coffee/wine; grab your favorite magazine/book and unearth your little indulgence from its hiding place.

You turn most of the lights out and get into the cozy chair with the soft, old blanket. As you sip your drink and bring that first piece of chocolate to your mouth there is sudden confusion- What the…?!? Its carob- not chocolate at all, not even close. Simply a bland and disappointing substitute that barely meets the very basic requirements of desert.

That’s what dial up is like.
Bland and consistently disappointing.

We moved to a new home rental in January and the only thing I have to complain about is my computer access and subsequent lack thereof. Blogging is especially frustrating via dial-up. It is nearly impossible to see any video clips and loading photos takes a very long time.
There is no Verizon or Comcast high speed, no clear access shot for satellite internet. I am told by local folks that most everyone has to use dial up and they are hoping any time now Verizon will add this area to its coverage. Put me on the Cant Wait list. However I love the new home, I love all the nature and privacy, all the space for the kids to enjoy outside. I love having a door to my bedroom and big windows with lots of light.
It’s only when I’m reading friends blogs or looking at posts that I am reminded of the chocolate & carob scenario.

Gheesh, if that’s all I have to complain about, I must be doing pretty well.

No longer relevant?

2010-05-16T15:21:00.000-04:00

I read an article this morning about the blue collar experience in its rawest form. Perhaps the term blue collar is outdated- no longer relevant. If you are reading this I don’t have to tell you that there is hardly such a thing as middle class. Or lower middle class anymore. The American way has simply become a means of survival in your local economic climate. Most people I know in my daily life are trying to pay their bills, keep their jobs and somehow manage to be good parents and decent people.
But I digress.
The piece I read this morning is called “After All This Is Over” by Doug Crandell. It is in the June 2010 issue of The Sun (magazine). I received the June issue the other day in the mail, but have not allowed myself to read it until I had the time to at least get through one piece without being interrupted. So this morning when my daughter and her friend asked if they could watch Toy Story 2 I hesitated. Normally I would say no- it’s beautiful outside! Perfect jeans and sweatshirt weather and the bugs are not too bad yet. But I remembered that my Sun magazine lay untouched on my highest book shelf, and I relented.
You seasoned parents will read between the lines in the prior paragraph and realize that by allowing the 13 year old to spend this gorgeous morning in front of the tube I have also insured myself completely occupied time for the 2 and a half year old. Just the complete attention of his older sister and her friend would have been quite enough. Now add a movie, and in the day light- well, I knew I might even be able to get through the whole magazine.
So why am I sitting here writing? The piece I read moved me. It was one boys refection of his families forced bankruptcy and subsequent loss of his family’s farm in the 1980’s. But there was a deeper element to the recollection. A fellow student, a bully, who seemingly revels in the plight of this boy’s suffering. This boy knows that the bully has his own story of sadness, and he can’t seem to bring himself to retaliate.
It made me think about the depth of family interactions, in the shaping and molding of children. The child that sunk into himself in embarrassment as he watched his parents’ marriage crumble in the face of poverty. The child who lives through physical abuse at the hands of his father only to become the abuser himself.
I think about all the children growing up in foster care, trying to navigate their own complicated circumstances. Wondering how they can over trust again. I think about all the children living in Ethiopia whose thoughts are clouded by the inescapable feeling of hunger, of thirst. Wondering if they can ever feel anything else.

I think I am one of these people that feel a bit too deeply. Sometimes I can stay up very late just reading articles about trans racial adoption or the catastrophic ramifications of the newest oil spill or the abuse of adolescents in “correction” facilities in Mississippi. I take hear t in the fact that the stories are being reported- discussed, looked into. And yet when the under lying cause of the situation so often come down to human greed, I become disheartened all over again. What is it about human nature that causes us to feel so inadequate without material wealth?
The truth about material gain and wealth in general is that it is all relative. I am constantly trying to recognize the difference between what we want and what we need. Truthfully we have everything we need to survive, and yet what would we be doing if we weren’t striving to improve our day to day life.
Heres the thing. I have more than Joe down the street, who has more than Jan across town, who has more than Jack across the country, who has more than June on the other side of the world. But I forget this and simply focus on Jim, who has more than I do, and he can’t stop thinking about Jenn that seems to have far more than everyone combined. It is a curse that can only lead to constant dissatisfaction. And yet most of us do it every day. Pay attention. Everyone seems to be feeling a need to explain just how much they themselves are struggling. I can’t help but be surprised when a doctor feels the need to tell me how much they pay in student loan payments every month, or a lawyer offering up her tales of pro bono cases when she sees me eyeing her BMW. Is it guilt? Why? Is this not what they wanted, to work towards a goal of financial freedom? And yet if we delve deeper the background information gets even murkier. Maybe her wealth was handed down from her parents, who never let her forget it. Who never allowed her to feel any sense of personal accomplishment? Maybe he grew up having to use food stamps, seeing his father work, his mother work just to scrape by. Now he can’t seem to shake the feelings of survivor’s guilt, he struggled and fought to get out of poverty, but how many did he leave behind? How is it possible to ever give back enough?

What I’m truly getting at, is that I face a conundrum with my blog. On one hand it is a reflection of the process, the journey of transformative time that allows us to hopefully, grow. Those tend to be the blogs I read, the ones that have been around since 2006, 2007. Those that have learned as we have, that adoption is rife with emotional questions of such depth, of such intensity; it will bring you to your knees. There is no room for naivety, for ignorance, for impartiality. One is constantly looking for the silver lining amongst all the grey areas. There is no such thing as transparency in adoptions. No way to be clearly, unequivocally ethical. No one can absolutely agree on what constitutes an ethical adoption. Somewhere along the way money will be involved. And where there is money, there is human nature. The desire to do what is in one’s own best interest. The birth mother that is able to “choose” her child’s adoptive parents, perhaps ask for medical reimbursement. Does she not look for financial stability for that child? A woman in a developing country that gives up a sick child for adoption so that she has more financial stability to feed the remaining healthier children? What is more acceptable, more ethical? It is hard to know.
And so I read what other people have to say. Some far wiser than me, some that I definitely disagree with. But I have come to feel that International adoption is nearly impossible for an American, mid-income family. Unless you have some help, some connection, it is just un-affordable. Can it be done? Yes- you can re mortgage your house, get a loan, fund raise or have an incredible ability to save. But all of these methods take considerable consideration. Something I didn’t think quite enough about when I experienced fund raising.
I started my blog as a vehicle for fund raising for the adoption. A few months after I started there were reports that the Ethiopian Government was frowning on families using the suffering of children in Ethiopia as a tool to fund raise for an adoption. I couldn’t take the chance of pissing someone important off, so I made the blog into a way for me to navigate the waiting process. I had no idea how the act of fund raising would so change my feelings towards people. On one hand I was blown away by the generosity of some friends and family. Even some strangers chipped in. They believed in this vision, this dream simply because we did. How can I ever re pay such kindness? Perhaps by letting go of the confusion I felt when those that experienced our losses and tribulations along side of us, failed to offer any support. I can’t help but take it personally that I couldn’t convey the difference their support would have made. And I am too chicken shit to bring it up now. What good would it do besides relieving me of my own frustration or curiosity? Doesn’t sitting in judgment of those that didn’t feel compelled to contribute completely go against the whole point of fundraising anyway? I simply can’t do it again, the fundraising. I am no good at it. I was often too nervous of rejection to call. Of people telling me their own stories of financial woe, of the cousin they knew who adopted. I didn’t have the energy to explain, yet again, why we weren’t adopting from the US, specifically foster care. Why we wanted to adopt from Ethiopia- why/when/how????? I relied instead on lots of mailings, which may have seemed too impersonal, I don’t know. I’m just grateful there were enough people in the end that cared, so much, that we were able to be together and bring Kai Misikir home.
Sometimes people ask me if we are going to adopt again. My answer isn’t given lightly. Yes, we would like to adopt again from Ethiopia, but we cannot afford it. Well, we can, but we cannot afford the fees part of it. The travel part of it. There is this big twenty thousand dollar wall that feels too impenetrable. And in the end, it’s about money and access to money. Who has it, who doesn’t. Who has a way to get it? I guess I’m just not clever enough to figure it all out. I just want things to be simple when they are not. There is a need? Here is a way to meet it.
We can only supply the simple things. Clean water, food, education, love, family and comfort. I’ve been blessed with the access and opportunity to parent two amazing kids with these tools. Thankfully that position will be life long, as being a parent never actually ends. I know there are both positive and negative aspects of different sized families, of having siblings or not.
And yet….
When I read in the local paper a group that is requesting twenty five thousand dollars for a dog park, or read about a politician that spent seventy five thousand dollars on advertising for an election, I can’t help but silently calculate how many adoptions that would pay for. How many orphans might find forever families? What is the cost of a child’s life?
I can’t help but think of all the families that sat with us on our first ever foster parenting class we took before we were even married. There were quite a few couples looking to have a family through adoption. I wonder where they are now. Did they succeed? Did they get discouraged and give up? I know not everyone finished the course with us, where did they go? A secretary and a line worker. A teacher and a restaurant manager. A carpenter and a stay at home mom. Did they navigate the complexities of working for the state? Did they persevere and adopt through the state? Did they turn towards international adoption? Were they discouraged by the cost and now, when they see the Sandra Bullocks, the Dr. Runs House, the Rosie O’Donnell’s, Meg Ryans or Sharon Stones of the world do they wonder at the advantages of having that money – that access to having a family?
And why don’t insurance companies pay for adoption in the same way they pay for infertility treatments? If your ability to have a child through labor sort of works, we’ll help you out. But if it’s not working at all, f you?

So maybe I will try to tweak the blog, mess with it, simplify. Maybe I’ll try to write about some of the hard stuff. I usually only feel like writing when I’m frustrated anyway. Or maybe I should go private, remove the photos, simplify. I don’t know. So much to think about.

?RU (What Are You) presentation video

2009-08-06T22:33:00.001-04:00

I love this short clip- right on!

Why Ethiopia?

2009-08-05T22:31:00.001-04:00

What a terrible condition for children to have to suffer with- and so preventable!

Kai Misikir loves books

2009-07-30T00:05:00.001-04:00

This was taken in the end of May, 2009

An amazing photographer

2009-04-04T00:31:00.003-04:00

I had to pass on this link to some breathtaking photographs of Ethiopia. This is a fellow adoptive parent from Ethiopia that used the same agency we did; Wide Horizons For Children. He photographed humanitarian work that the agency is dedicated to. I cant wait for the multi media project to be released. I think his work is simply stunning.http://www.tylerstableford.com/portfolio.php?dirid=10&img=149

World Water Day Video from charity: water

2009-04-01T12:10:00.001-04:00

"Water is essential to Life".

Why Ethiopia?

2009-04-01T10:05:00.001-04:00

Thought I forgot photos?!?

2009-03-27T00:06:00.004-04:00

Artistic drinking shot by Kiana.

KaiMisikir loves the tunnel.

Kai with his best friend :)

Kiana and Kai riding scooters.

Tea time!

Kai admires art while the other children squabble over plates.

Please stand still so I can get a picture of you with Tarikua!

Kai loves any music making.

Intense handy work.

Older girl crush on Lidia?

Kiana posing on her dirt bike.

She's a pro.

Walking out to the corn fields to watch Kiana ride.

2009

2009-02-26T23:08:00.000-05:00

2009

2009

It's come in like a hurricane- ferocious, amazing to watch, but really scary.

The election of President Obama? So fantastic and such a huge relief! It was historic, ground breaking, inspiring. Watching the results come in, waiting to hear them say, without a doubt, that Senator Barack Obama was now our President?!! I had to cry. The happy kind.

And my children?! They are so great, such a riot and with such interesting and continually developing personalities.

Kiana is almost twelve and a half. The half is important as it is clearly half way to thirteen. For me thirteen is the actual teenager stage, the other side of that boundary that was pre-adolescence. She is some what moodier these days, with some eye rolling and sighing thrown in. I have to encourage her to keep her door open because I miss not seeing her! She is navigating her way through friendships, school and boys. Thankfully the latter of which is not too enticing as of yet.

She is doing well in school and enjoying aspects of math she didn't think she would. She finished up with basketball and downhill skiing and wants to go back to swimming lessons. Last year Kiana got to the highest level but needed to complete some challenging time limits of strokes to have an individual instructor work with her. She wasn't interested in joining the swim team so she decided to stop going. Now she is starting to think of summer jobs for the next few years and what she might do, the thought of life guarding is looking pretty enticing. I'm not pushing her either way, I'm completely open to whatever choices she makes and I'm happy to have her start lessons again and work on her stamina.

The self consciousness that comes with being a middle school breaks my heart. When she thinks shes unattractive or doubts her abilities, I try to encourage her to see all the bright spots too. But I cant protect her from having her feelings hurt, or experiencing all those things that shape the people we become.

Kai Misikir is the funniest, most determined, affectionate and animated little kiddo. He is walking, climbing and almost running. He knows so many words and can say daaaddy (he says that one alot), kitty, mama, more, doggy, cheese, some, mine, a resemblance of Kiana (it sounds like na naah na), cup, as well as other attempts that make him sound like he has his own foreign language, with intonations and facial expressions to match.

Occasionally Kai Misikir will say what sounds like "ishe" which is a word commonly used in Ethiopia meaning "OK" as in that's OK, every thing's OK, OK I heard you- you get the point. Its been just about eight months that Kai has been in our family, so it seems impossible that this is what he is actually saying. But you never know.

As you may have guessed I have struggled with writing. I think there is quite a few reasons why this may be.

I have lost those quiet, empty blocks of time where I could leisurely write away when ever I wanted. Being more disciplined about sitting down and writing hasn't gone so well. I'm either so tired at night I just go to bed, or surf the net, or read other peoples blogs (thank god julie is still writing). I'm at work during the day with Kai Misikir and the week ends get filled up with laundry and running Kiana around.

I have faced real challenges within my family recently with lay offs and economic struggles. My husband, my father, my daughters father, are all in the construction trades. Except that no one is building anything, therefor no one is able to work. I have never in my life experienced being around so many different people who are able and desire to work, and yet are in limbo, unable to find any work. I hesitate to go into this further which brings me to my next reason for not blogging lately;

people actually read my blog. Maybe that's putting it into too simplistic of terms, but it hit me one day when I received an e mail from my blog counter website. It was letting me know that the counter had hit 11,500. Now, don't get me wrong, I know many of those numbers are from the same people checking in, and some are clicks from people stumbling upon the blog in a search for something else. And relative to other, more successful blogs the number is low. But seeing those numbers somehow made it real for me.

What exactly is blogging about? I read an article recently (that I cant seem to find now) that discussed blogging as the ultimate vehicle of ego and self interest. The idea that what your life experience and family activities are constitute interesting reading for others.
And yet I've "met" some really cool people through my blog. I've met other parents who have or are planning on adopting. I've connected with people that have similar political and life views. But- I don't really know them. I know what they choose to post about on their blog, what they are willing to share. I am pretty sure that we would get along quite well were we to actually meet.
So blogging cant be all bad if Ive made these pseudo connections. I can honestly say if my car broke down some where near a blogging friend, lets say Shrijnana, I could jot off an e mail and she would call me a tow truck and offer some yogi tea.

So do I want to write about what it felt like to be laid off from the hotel company where I worked for seven years by e mail?!? Because my whopping $13 an hour was killing their payroll in "these tough economic times"? Yes of course. However I need to keep my contacts and bite my tongue and fiercely believe in karma. Who knows who could be reading...

Maybe I should write about the nightmares I have. The little girl in Addis Ababa at the top of the hill where our van momentarily stopped. In my dream she stands and stares at us, slowly sinking into the mud until it envelopes her- and I cant do anything. I just sit there and watch her disappear. In my mind I am screaming, desperate to help her, but my body stays motionless...
Or maybe my guilt over bartering with the weaver for her scarves- how many birr to a dollar? Whats wrong with me anyways, I wish now I had paid her double.
All the things I would have done differently while in Ethiopia if I had only known better.
Or perhaps I should write about the heartache I feel for the "waiting" children, the lump that starts in my throat when I remember visiting the big kids house at the orphanage. How I feel we live in such abundance in America, we could certainly adopt again- an older child this time. Or a child with HIV. And how adopting again scares my husband and causes disagreements between us. He is convinced at 40 he's too old. Ridiculous.

Should I write about my struggle to save my friendship with my bestest friend? How living all together in a 1200 square foot house has been really challenging? 3 adults, 2 children (including a pre-teen), 3 dogs and 3 cats (two are hers). At this point I'm not even sure its saving us any money. I don't think its easy for any of us, perhaps not the best thought out plan. Like Bush, we had/have no exit strategy.

And yet I'm really grateful. I am especially grateful that our current challenges didn't happen six months earlier which would have interfered with our adoption. I am eternally grateful for the gift that is KaiMisikir, for being able to pick him up before the late summer court closings. For how healthy he was when he was relinquished to the orphanage. For the sacrifice his mother, and then grandmother made. For the transparency of the process of his adoption.
I often think about the afternoon I shared with his favorite nanny, how we cried and hugged regardless of the language barrier. Would he know the nannies now? Their smile? their smell? the octaves of their melodic voices?

My favorite thing to do is to watch Kai fall asleep. Sometimes I will lay down with him and watch as he slowly succumbs to the warmth of the bed. His baby fingers wrapped around mine, his little chest rising and falling. Eventually I pick him up and place him in his crib at the foot of our bed. He rolls to his side and reaches one hand out, grabbing at nothing in particular. I take a last look at his round, caramel cheeks and long, curly eyelashes. So quiet, so serene, so at peace.

A Glimmer of Hope

2009-01-24T01:29:00.001-05:00

I love this organization they are doing such great work!

I Need Africa More than Africa Needs Me

2008-12-08T22:39:00.001-05:00

Our cutie guy

2008-11-25T11:20:00.007-05:00

Just a late afternoon hanging out in the yard and I finally remembered to have a camera with me.

Kai Misikir is getting bigger. He is walking and currently has eight teeth. He says "hi" , doggy and kitty. Occasionally he direct a dadada sound at Fred and mmmam at me. I am convinced he can say some sort of version of Kiana as well. He waves and sort of does the sign for finished. He is still very cuddly and affectionate, I often refer to him as velcro.

He is into anything and everything and still wants to put teeny tiny things in his mouth. He does the funniest thing when you ask for a kiss, or say kiss-kiss! He bows forward so you can kiss his forehead! So regal and endearing, I'm going to try to catch it in video.

He LOVES Kiana and wants to be with her and play with her. She makes funny faces to cheer him up if he's feeling sad.

Enjoy the photo shoot, I don't think there are going to be any more warm days in my neck of the woods- just rain and slush.

We are off to the Boston area to my parents house for the holiday. I'm making carrot cake and green bean casserole :)

Did anyone else notice my wood background (for the blogs layout) is gone replaced by a blah brown? Anyone know how to fix this? I miss the wood :(

Misikir 5/08

2008-11-21T00:44:00.001-05:00

A family that was travelling to bring home their child took this video for us waaaay back in May of this year. It is still shocking to me that the little boy I rock to sleep in my arms every night is this same little guy sitting on the concrete floor of this tiny infant room in the orphanage.
There is no denying he is growing in leaps and bounds!

President Obama

2008-11-12T10:05:00.006-05:00

What a month, an amazing November like no other.

President Obama.
First Lady Michelle Obama.

I am thrilled, so, so over joyed and thankful. I am most appreciative to the "young" people who got serious about voting. Who volunteered, and called, and ultimately made the difference. And it will make a difference, I truly believe that.

I want to believe we have reached a breaking point. Where the middle class can no longer sustain its position under in-adequate cost of living adjustments. We are working solely to pay for our living expenses. At a certain point people just crack. They loose all sense of drive and feelings of accomplishment. It is simply too easy to slide into the lowest middle income bracket. Behind in bills with the amount coming in equalling less than the amount necessary to go out.

At what point did the inequality of wages and living standards get so out of whack?

In my own personal and extended family we are feeling the economic slowdown and damn near grinding to a halt in some areas of the construction fields. With my husband working 50-60 hours in the grime and dirt of concrete (we'll take any OT they offer) and my 60'ish father still hammering away on restorative carpentry projects. The Boston area millionaires have decided to put off restoring their 1800's homes and carriage barns. The New York millionaires have delayed the construction of huge second homes in the greater Berkshire area, robbing Fred of at least two large projects they had hoped to see them through the cold weather period.

Even my daughters father, an electrician, dragged me into court this Spring to try to have his child support lowered since he had been laid off in NH (we are reconvening 12/1). Unemployment throughout the country is at an all time high in many different fields. People want to work, the complaint is that there is no work.

So when a man, a man from a working class family no less, speaks about leveling the playing field in our country- I want to believe. And when I watched the debates, and I saw the crowds gathering for his speeches, I started to actually think it was possible. On the night of the election, after schlepping the family to the voting booths and back, we dragged our 13" TV out of the closet and set it on a chair in the living room. We made pop corn and tea and watched as the polling stations closed through out the states. When Ohio's results came in we jumped up and almost woke up Kai Misikir. Even my mother called from a hotel where she was staying during a school accreditation team meeting. It was so exciting. And the speech? It was perfect and honestly made me cry. Was it possible? Did he really make this happen and no one can steal it away this time?

And how awesome was it that he cancelled the fire works display? I thought that was right on.

In the end, the truth of the matter is that I am not a very trusting person. I am not sure why exactly, but I want to see what a President Obama will do in the white house. Will he make it possible for people to keep their homes? Will he stand up to the pharmaceutical companies and actually implement a health care system for all people in this country, not just those that can afford it?

And most importantly, will he continue to be worthy of the role model status he is becoming for children everywhere? I genuinely believe he is capable if he continues to operate in the fashion he has so aptly displayed thus far.

So did you vote?

Thank you so much for giving this man a chance to turn our economically depressed country into something we do not have to be embarrassed to claim love for. President Elect Obama knows what its like to have to borrow thousands and thousands of dollars from the government to attend an institution of higher education. He has experienced life in America in a way no other past president has. Not just that he is a black man who has grown up in our white society. Not just that he was a bi racial child being raised by white grandparents in a predominantly Asian community. Or that he had exposure to various religions growing up and had the opportunity to live in different countries.

In the end it is that he has walked the walk and talked the talk. He has lived through financial struggle and worked at the grass root level. He has spoken eye to eye to those that are suffering and angry and desperate. He doesn't show fear towards the ignorant because he refuses to operate out of anger and intolerance. He knows why they are scared- just look at what the past eight years has been saying to people!

BE SCARED! BE ON ALERT! BE FEARFUL OF DIFFERENCES!!!!!!!!

I love that he chose the word Hope throughout his campaign, its what so many of us need right now. There were times I didn't believe that we would be able to adopt from Ethiopia, when I was loosing my belief in our ability to continue. Deep down it was just my hope, my deepest desire to parent another child, my inner pull to travel to Africa, that pushed me forward. And so I understand how powerful hope can be, how inspirational and fruitful the possibilities suggest.

It is what I hold on to when I look at my children, so beautiful, so strong. I have hope that they will have the tools to navigate their journey through life, whatever choices they may make.

I hope that education will be accessible to them, dental care available, forests so dense you cant hear a car for miles to hike through.

So Mr. President Elect Obama, you have inspired us and given us moments of greatness to believe in. Our patient hope lies in your hands. Be brave, and know that we believe you are.

***

I missed October

2008-10-31T01:54:00.000-04:00

I missed posting in October.
October with the vibrant leaves and blustery winds. Indian summers and apple picking. Most importantly both my children have birthdays in October. The month of Libra, of equilibrium. I love Autumn in New England. Walking through the woods, waiting for the corn fields to be cut down so the dogs can run. Pumpkin picking and hay rides as we wait for Halloween.
Ive missed blogging too.
The challenge for me is that I am someone who loves quiet and solitary surroundings when I write. This was fine when I wasn't waking up 1-4 times a night depending on Kai's ability to sleep. Now it is quite difficult to find the energy and squirrel away the time to write.

Life has changed dramatically since Kai Misikir has been home with us.
First of all he is amazing, just a fantastic kiddo. He is a speed crawler and stair climber and is hours away from walking with confidence. I think I have counted nine steps altogether just yesterday. Earlier today I was wrangling something out of his mouth when I discovered the arrival of a third tooth on top adding to the two on the bottom! He is quickly moving away from baby food.

I resigned my position as guest services manager at the hotel where I have worked for the past six years. I now work there only on Sundays from 3pm-11pm. This is actually a nice break for me and a chance for Fred to take on bed time for the kids and all that entails. It was difficult to move out of my office and take down my things. Its been a bit hard to let go. But in the end it wasn't a career for me, it was a job. And parenting is a priority right now.
Within two weeks of leaving full time work at the hotel I was contacted by a new family in town that was seeking a nanny for their 21 month old. Same amount of pay I was making after six years! So now I work at their house with Kai four days during the week. Caring for two children under two is far more difficult than working at the hotel almost any day! But the little girl is a sweetheart and adopted from South America which is a nice bonus. The parents are super, both doctors, very liberal and straight forward. So far, so good.

In our quest to save money and allow me to care for Kai full time, Lenea has moved in and is paying rent. Unfortunately her two cats came with her. Its been a bumpy start and perhaps not incredibly well thought out on my part. Kai has moved into our "room" (half of the finished basement) and Lenea has taken his room next to Kiana's. For us this equals zero privacy and zero ability to ever ignore any of Kai's possible nighttime complaints :)
But we ended up with a nicer sofa and lamps (which are Lenea's) and its only planned for a year. Lets see if we make it that long...

We have three digital cameras between all of us in this house. All three need repairs or adjustment's to work properly. I was very bummed to not get pictures of Kai Misikir as a puppy dog tonight on Halloween and Kiana as a devil-fairy-chic (don't get me started on how hard it is to find girls costumes that don't appear prostitute-ish!). We are truly a sorry bunch!
I'm afraid no decent pictures of Kiana's or Kai's birthdays either. You HAVE to see Kiana on her dirt bike, she is something else!
I will work on that.

It's two in the morning and I am beyond tired. I have recently been "tagged" to write seven (?) random things about myself. I did this a while back but I will try to think of a few more things. Not that I think I'm all that interesting though...
I hope to blog soon...at least before another month gets away from me...
New-er pictures to come...

Tina Fey Rocks!

2008-09-28T22:57:00.001-04:00

This is too, too funny. I had to share :)

Soccer!

2008-09-26T12:26:00.008-04:00

As a big sixth grader Kiana gets to join the schools soccer team! Although she states she enjoys basketball more, she is doing pretty well for her first time playing. The first day Kiana said to me: "Its so much running Mom!".

In preparation for Kiana's first game Kai spent some time perfecting his moves.

Time out! Runny nose break...

Aagghhhkk!

A good luck kiss

It bounces off another baby gate....

Wrong ball??!

Kai tries to explain soccer to dad: "now you see..."

Very serious stuff...

"What don't you understand?"

Teething ring and water, what more could you want?

The ball went that way!

Bad call ref!!!

Almost a goal...

Better luck next time hug :)

Could you believe that call?!?

Silly Rowen...

Now listen closely....

Equal?

2008-09-15T00:55:00.003-04:00

Talk to me about the difference between a stay-at-home-mom and a go-outside-the-home-mom. Is the work equal? Different? The same? What is our value system based on? The amount of duties or directives accomplished? A schedule followed through?
I have noticed often times when I am hanging out with Kai Misikir time seems to just fly. It can start out with a messy but enjoyable breakfast which turns into a bath which then eventually becomes a blissful nap. Suddenly half the day is over and I'm worried about what I didn't accomplish. At the office it seems to be so much more straight forward. Am I crazy? Am I reading too much into this?
Of course not, there's a thousand books on the subject. What do we, as a collective body, value in woman? Do a man and a woman, or a husband and a wife, hold the same equal footing if only one of them creates the income?
In our country I have to make a decision that many woman face, and struggle with. If I lived in Sweden or Denmark it might not be so difficult. But I think it is very challenging to be the partner in a relationship that is at an economic disadvantage. By choosing to work "inside" the home you are exchanging one form of contribution and energy to the family unit for another.
So my choices are:
Create a crazy schedule at my outside work place where my children would need to come to work with me after school until Fred was done with work where he would then pick them up from my job and bring them home(18-20 miles each way for both of us). I would miss dinner, homework, bedtime.
Or I could pay 50% of my hourly wage to a day care/child care situation and the other half to my health insurance. Let's not even talk about the price of gas.
I know there are many woman out there that choose to stay home with their children and some even choose to home-school. How did you make the transition work for your family? I have seen many books concerning the challenges of heading back into the work force after staying home, but not so many the other way around.

And then I'm laying in the grass with Kai swatting away the bugs and watching his expression change with the different noises. I listen to him try to mimic sounds or patterns with his voice. He's learned how to hold the edge of the couch cushions and walk forwards and then backwards with his pudgy little feet. He loves his soccer ball and can push it so that it moves across the floor and he watches it intently, almost seriously.
I don't want to miss a second, hes changing with every moment.

Sometimes Fred is jealous that I get to spend so much time with our son, other times I think hes relieved. Sunday nights I have been working which means Dads home alone from 2:30pm-11:30pm. He must call me three or four times each shift. But I think its good for all of us. There are many changes to adjust to, and thankfully we have each other to help navigate our way through them.
So honestly, help me to understand. What exactly is equal parenting responsibilities and how do we weigh the importance of each contribution? How do you create a balance between your roles as mom and dad and wife and husband? (or dad-dad, mom-mom, husband-husband, wife-wife).

end note: i have been experiencing some camera challenges but i promise photos are on their way...

Angels in the Dust

2008-09-12T12:45:00.001-04:00

I watched this movie by myself last night and found it so moving. The children are so brave, so beautiful. I loved Marion. Her no nonsense, realistic yet caring outlook on the situation she was witnessing around her is right on. You cant help but be full of respect and admiration when you see this family work their loving magic.

I loved her Angels metaphors. Marion and her family are a gift.

Progress

2008-09-03T00:31:00.003-04:00

I wanted to share this article after discovering it through another blog. I think it is amazing progress. Unfortunately not all the comments in response to the article are very encouraging.
I know after visiting AHOPE in Ethiopia I exchanged e mails with someone there and was informed there is actually a wait list right now for children under four infected with HIV. So at least one orphanage is seeing change slowly in progress.

Americans adopting HIV-positive kids from Ethiopia
ADDIS ABABA, Ethiopia (AP) — Solomon Henderson inherited just three things from his birth parents, who left him at an Ethiopian orphanage when he was 1 year old: a picture of Jesus, a plastic crucifix and HIV.
As one of some 14,000 Ethiopian children born with the virus every year, Solomon's prospects for survival — much less adoption — were grim. But Erin Henderson's heart stirred when she saw him, and she decided, on the spot, to adopt him.
"They told me that they weren't sure he would live through the weekend," Henderson said by e-mail from her home in rural Wyoming, where she lives with her husband and 11 children, two of whom are HIV-positive adoptees from Ethiopia.
Solomon, now an active 2-year-old with chubby cheeks and a shy smile, is part of a small but growing movement: Americans adopting HIV-positive children from abroad.
Figures from U.S.-based Adoption Advocates International, the agency that arranges the majority of HIV-positive adoptions in Ethiopia, show a clear and steady rise, from two such adoptions in 2005, four in 2006, 13 in 2007, and 38 either completed or pending this year.
The U.S. Embassy corroborates the trend, although its numbers are slightly different because it counts adoptions according to fiscal year. So far this year, the embassy said, Americans have adopted 25 HIV-positive children from Ethiopia, up from seven the year before.
Ethiopia is at the forefront of the trend, in part because it is a well-established adoption hub. But countries including China, Ghana, Haiti and Russia also have seen increases, although the numbers remain small — fewer than five children in each country this year, according to U.S. adoption agencies that work with HIV-positive children. The figures could be higher, however, as many nations do not ask if a departing child has HIV.
The motivations are wide-ranging — some parents say they were driven by religion or a desire for social change, or that the disease is more manageable than ever before. Others, like Julie Hehn, gave more personal reasons.
"I was just scrolling through these pictures, and I saw the photo of Tsegenet, and I said, 'Oh my God, that's my daughter,"' said Hehn, a 53-year-old elementary school teacher from Edmonds, Wash.
Hehn said she was not looking for an HIV-positive child when she decided to adopt from Ethiopia.
"I fell in love with Tsegenet and it just happens she's HIV-positive," said Hehn, who has 27 children, 19 of them adopted from Ethiopia and five adopted from the U.S.
At a recent goodbye party at an orphanage in Addis Ababa, a 9-year-old girl who was heading to the United States with her adoptive family gave a shy smile as her friends ate doughnuts and sang farewell songs.
The children — all of whom have HIV or AIDS and are looking for new families — belted out an Ethiopian hymn called "No one is ashamed of you."
Ethiopian adoptions to the United States peaked at 1,255 in 2007, and the adoption of HIV-positive children is growing in step, according to U.S. government figures. American adoptions in Ethiopia have steadily risen from 135 in 2003, to 289 in 2004 to 440 in 2005 to 731 in 2006.
So far, none of the children adopted through Adoption Advocates International in Ethiopia since 2005 has died. The oldest is now 13 years old.
Margaret Fleming, the founder of Chances By Choice, an international HIV-positive adoption advocacy group that connects parents with HIV-positive children and adoption agencies, said her group also has overseen adoptions of children from Haiti, Guatemala and Russia.
Fleming said her group has helped bring about 52 international HIV-positive adoptions since 2002 from assorted adoption agencies and countries, including Ethiopia.
Fleming, who has three HIV-positive children in her own brood of 12 children, said she wanted to make a difference in the world.
"I feel like I'm on the cutting edge of making an impact on this epidemic," Fleming, 72, said by telephone from her office in Chicago. "It's given us a chance to be ambassadors, and our children to be ambassadors."
Over the past decade, HIV has become a manageable, chronic disease, rather than a death sentence. Some children, like Solomon, require daily medication that can cost between $700 and $1,500 a month, though all parents planning to adopt children with HIV are required to carry health insurance, so costs are usually less.
Others, like Tsegenet Hehn, have been told by doctors that the low levels of the virus in their blood mean they don't need any medication.
"She doesn't get sick any more than my other children," said Hehn, who said another daughter, who has a condition that makes her react violently to wheat and gluten products, requires more care than Tsegenet does.
U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt said HIV-positive adoptees pose no public health threat in America. Congress is set to repeal legislation that requires those with HIV to get waivers to enter the U.S. For adopted children with HIV, the waiver requirement can increase the nine- to 12-month adoption process by about two weeks.
"The American people are compassionate people," Leavitt told the AP on a visit to the Ethiopian capital, Addis Ababa. "I applaud their compassion and I'm delighted to know they're doing so."
But parents overwhelmingly say the reward is theirs.
"I have learned so much from Tsegenet," Hehn said. "I have learned to be more patient and kind through Tsegenet."
Like some parents interviewed, Hehn says she insists on being open with everyone about her daughter's condition.
"I'm a teacher. I want to educate everybody I can educate," she said. "And I believe it is the only way we can erase the stigma. I am not going to tell her that there is not one part of her that is not beautiful and wonderful and pure."

55 Acres

2008-08-22T13:35:00.002-04:00

I am feeling a bit bummed today.
The property that is behind the home we rent and around to the left is up for sale. 55 farming acres.
One mile down the road from us heading East there is another farming property for sale, 85 acres. That is so much land. Farms are not making it in this economy. Many of the towns around where we live have become summer hot spots with second home owners. In the winter its quiet, or more accurately dead. The farms are the basis of this community, as well as the plastics and lime plants. There is no easy life style when you live on a farm, even if its a farm that is not struggling. The overhead is oppressive and the weather can predict your future with its indecisiveness. Who will buy this land? Probably not a factory; no one can afford the insurance premiums to open one in the US anymore. A land developer that will build cookie cutter houses amongst the fields and cut down those pesky tree's? Probably not, because no one is buying homes these days. Take a drive down damn near every street in greater Berkshire County and you will see many homes for sale, new, old, tiny and very large. I count four on our road alone in additional to the land parcels.
Most likely some huge store to feed our American incessant need to shop. Cheap items from cheap labour. I'm thinking about all of this as we "go through" our house, again. We did this two years ago as we were saving for the adoption. After coming home from Africa though, and all the feeling of over indulgence I feel living here, I just want to purge and make living space. Usable, open space. Plus its just practical right now. It is so much work to weed through everything and not create emotional attachments to the material things. I was recently listening to peter Walsh on the radio talk about throwing away all your photos except for three albums of your very best. Throw them all away? Really? I cant do that yet, I haven't evolved. I hate shopping, I hate being in stores and yet I still accumulate, I just do not get it.
So we will weed through it all again, have another tag sale. I am hoping to make enough to buy a new clothes washer (I do not know how many times Fred has had to fix the agitator) or get the root canal done in my tooth before I have to have another one pulled (which is a forth coming post I have been thinking about, the lack of dentistry accessibility in our country and how it can define your socioeconomic status).
So here I am this afternoon logging on while my beautiful Kai sleeps, thinking about the housing crisis when I come across this information:
John McCain said in an interview with Politico on Wednesday "that he was uncertain how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own."
"I think -- I'll have my staff get to you," McCain said. "It's condominiums where -- I'll have them get to you."
The answer, according to the group Progressive Accountability, is an even 10 homes, ranches, condos, and lofts, together worth a combined estimated $13,823,269.
John and Cindy McCain own a plethora of houses spread throughout the United States, including: two beachfront condos in Coronado, California, condo in La Jolla, California, a two-unit condominium complex in Phoenix, Arizona, three ranch houses located outside of Sedona, Arizona, a high-rise condo in Arlington, Virginia, a rental loft, and, according to GQ, a loft they bought for their daughter, Meghan.
In an economy where even Ed McMahon has his house defaulted on, it seems strange to me that anyone could be so out of touch with what everyday American citizens are dealing with. I mean this is a person who has never, ever had to pay for health care. Never. Beyond wealthy.
Watch Obama's "Seven" youtube ad.
And since I'm ranting on how much I dislike this person and it makes me unhappy to think people might vote for him as an actual presidential contender, I do not like the way both Sen. McCain or his wife Cindy discuss the adoption of their daughter either. It seems very callous and most people that I have come to know through international adoption are very direct and forthright on their decision to adopt. Let your daughters medical concerns be her own that she can talk to people about at her own pace. Jeez. Even before reading this particular article I had previously read Newsweek and thought, there is no way this woman wants to be First Lady, she has her own thing going.

But I digress.
For now we can bring the dogs for walks amongst the corn fields where they can run without leashes, chasing the birds. We can listen for the coyotes after the farm has poured manure in the corn fields out back, and see the prints of deer after it snows. I know its selfish to not want the land to sell, I understand the financial struggles that are connected to the difficult decision of selling. It's just so beautiful and so real. No pretenses. If you walk far enough you wont hear any cars, or construction, or people. Just nature, just the land.

Our trip to Ethiopia (part three)

2008-08-11T23:12:00.007-04:00

The first week home is a blurr.

Jet lag had kicked my butt and sleep deprivation was kicking in. On Tuesday Kai went to the doctor's and got a clean bill of health. However I still have to bring him back for a follow up. When we got home Fred's family came over to visit, it was quite a group! Shane, Johnny, Omar and Bryan were visiting from the sunny city of Los Angeles which was excellent timing. The boys were great, so sweet and interested in everything. Fred's Mother, Aunt, brother Thomas and his girlfriend Kim were there as well. Kai got to meet his cousins and was sweet and animated, even though he was so, so sleepy. It was nice to see everyone. I wish we had more time to visit with the Stevens-Rios family before they headed back West...

That night Fred got absolutely sick. I have never seen him sick like that, it was terrible. I will spare you the nasty details.

Thursday Kiana was sick. It seems the sickly bugs just keep popping back up.

Kiana was absolutely enthralled with her brother those first few days. Thankfully I was able to get some sleep while she enjoyed dressing and playing with him. He adores Kiana, his whole face lights up when he sees her and often he will start bucking around in excitement. She gets a big kick out of this. I love the bonding it creates for both of them. I cant tell you what a relief it is for me to see that they feel such a connection. I know its all new right now, but this is a difficult adjustment for Kiana to make, and I think its a great start.

According to the records from the orphanage, Misikir only gained one pound during the time he was there. We may have already surpassed that :)

Kai loves to eat, and all the new flavours that Earth's Best can offer we are trying. So far I haven't found anything he will not eat. And- he has mastered the fine art of placing cheerios in the mouth, usually on the first try. He even enjoyed some avocado, although with the occasional funny face.

Kai Misikir can crawl fast, fast, fast. Even though his balance isn't perfect, he can pull himself up onto things like his book basket or someones knees. Sometimes he gets stuck in that position feeling too far from the ground to actually sit but not confidant enough to keep climbing. Its too funny (unfortunately blogger is still not posting my video clips which is very frustrating). At first Kai was quite scared of the animals, the dogs and the cat. Now he is becoming more interested, although Harley licking him to death does not help the situation. Kai gets very angry and flustered. Bella on the other hand enjoys Kai's body heat and will sit with him whenever Kiana is not around and especially in the car. Bindi usually stays just out of his reach, close, but not too close.

This little cutie patootie is so much fun, I just cant tell you. He has a great personality, expressive and alert. Not feeding him fast enough? He will let you know- loudly. Trying to remove your claddagh earring's and hide them in your fist in one swift move? Not fast enough, he's watching my hand and reaching for it. Bath time is a blast with splashing the number one favorite. Grass is still a little too prickly and scary to sit on, he would much rather sit in my lap and tap it with his hands. He has even, just once... slept through the night. In his own bed. Unheard of in my experience of Kiana's baby hood. I had wanted Kai to sleep in the bed with us family style, but when we tried it the first week he continually woke up and grabbed my face and pulled it towards him, it was very sweet. I don't have to tell you however, that neither he or I were getting much sleep with all that "cuddling". The first night he slept in his own crib he slept a long stretch of time, apparently needed by both of us. So now I make do with the occasional nap where mauling my face is still cute because its not 3:00am.

Teething is on our plate as well in a big way. Everything is available for a trial run in this little boys mind. For some reason though he is not a fan of the teething toys that can be refrigerated. They seem to surprise him with their coldness and he refuses to try again. The wooden ring is the favorite go to, and the binky of course.

Life is good- complicated, full of challenges and questions, but I still have it so, so good.

Our Trip to Ethiopia (part two)

2008-08-08T22:47:00.001-04:00

Girma was very nice and welcoming to all the families that had travelled to Awassa. He explained we would be splitting up depending on where our child's relatives were located. We were quite disappointed to discover that our son's Grandmother and Aunt had come to Awassa to meet us, and that we would not be travelling to Aletachuko where Misikir was born. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful to be able to meet them, I had just hoped to video tape the village so that Misikir would have that some day. When I voiced my disappointment to Girma he promised to make an additional trip for my family after lunch. He suggested we retreat to the hotel, have some lunch and he would meet us when he returned from bringing the other families. Why it didn't dawn on me at the time to just ask our driver to accompany the other group, I will never know and always regret. As you might have guessed he never did return to bring us to the village of Aletachuko (Katy over at straightmagic has promised me video from their trip to the village, so nice).

The meeting with Kai's birth family was awkward, but I will always cherish the experience. If I had been thinking straighter I would have asked for more privacy as we had been stationed outside, but I wasn't thinking. I wanted to know so much, yet his grandmother was very soft spoken and reserved. Lenea took terrible video of the meeting that was later accidentally, partially taped over, but we have some of it left never the less. Things never work out quite the way you want them to, or expect them to.

I had written a letter to the birth family that Girma easily translated. She got teary eyed and shook our hands. Her hands trembled as she held the book of photos I had of Misikir. After no more than 20 minutes we were snapping some photos and waving good bye. I cried for the relationship both my son, and the woman of his life have lost. I can see Kai's face in the face of his young aunt, the shape of their faces and the high forehead. The large, lovely eyes and long eye lashes, the often changing eyebrow arc. It was glimpse of his future from his past.

Since we could not visit the village we decided to walk down to the river near the hotel in Awassa. There were many people celebrating their graduations from collage and many were dressed up and taking pictures. People were very polite and friendly to us, although even Lenea noticed she seemed to get the most peculiar looks. Many times during our trip people told Lenea she looked Ethiopian. But I think they were just trying to figure out her circumstances. During our walk Fred nodded his head at a gentleman as if to say hello, and the man turned and shook Fred's hand and told him to have a nice day. That kind of kindness and respect is always genuine- always appreciated.

After we returned our driver took us for a ride to the motel where parents used to stay overnight, to see the monkeys. I will admit I was very glad we didn't have to stay there. We might have needed mosquito nets which we didn't have.

Kiana loved admiring the monkeys and feeding them scraps from the tables (not that they weren't helping themselves already!). She was very concerned about the condition of the dogs and cats we met through out the trip. At this location there was a neighborhood dog with a very infected eye hanging around us. Kiana made sure to feed her although I would not let her touch the dog for fear of disease. It was extremely difficult to try and have Kiana understand that animals have a different role in Ethiopian society than they do in the U.S.

We tried to sleep that night without much luck. I swear it sounded like a million dogs were barking outside our window all night. I so wish I had had earplugs with me. We took cold showers (no hot water or water pressure) and were up and leaving by 5:30am. Of course Fred had already been up talking to the military personal posted outside the hotel long before we left. Want to guess what the topic was? Gotta love the work boots.

We sped back to Addis at the same neck breaking speed we had travelled to Awassa. However being a Monday morning many more people were out pre paring for work. The car honked every 50 yards or so at donkeys pulling incredibly large loads. There was even a trucks flat bed with wheels, loaded to the brim and being hauled by two donkeys. As we passed through one little town a dog ran out into the road and was hit by our vehicle, going very fast. Kiana broke down crying and the ride was somber for a while. The driver did apologize.

We stopped at the same motel for more coffee and some breakfast. Excellent machiattos and so-so french toast. However the home made mango orange marmalade was amazing. Fred had so much of it that an hour later we had to pull over as he got sick on the side of the road.

Next we stopped at a fish market and vegetable stand. Getting out of the car the stench was over powering and I had to be careful not to step on any fish heads or guts. Several turtle carcasses were strewn about. We walked out to a beautiful (albeit dirty) lake and a little boy ran after the stork like birds to make them fly up into the sky. He seemed to think it was funny that all us tourists took pictures of the birds ascending and descending. I wonder if he thought we might have something better to do. He let me take his picture with Kiana because he was just too cute and I gave him a birr.

There were more people in the fields working during our drive back to Addis. We watched the oxen pull through the mud with their wooden yolks and farmer standing behind. Occasionally groups of older boys or girls could be seen bending over in the fields and little, little kids patiently waiting for them to finish. We saw many woman, with heavy, heavy loads. Our driver pointed out a huge flower nursery that employs hundreds of local people. You could smell the change in the air as we entered the city and drove towards the guest house. Trucks and buses were lined up alongside the road waiting for fuel. Moola said many people waited in their vehicles overnight to have a spot online when the fuel trucks arrived. The price and quality of fuel in Ethiopia is outrageously terrible.

I was so happy to arrive at the guest house. When we pulled in I looked towards the first infant room (there are four) and a nanny was standing with Misikir in her arms.

We got out, she started to hand him to me and I gestured towards Kiana. She held his sleepy body against her chest and I started to cry. It was so emotional. I held him, Fred held him- we all just passed him around, poor thing. But he was so sweet and curious about us, his big eyes exploring our faces and his pudgy hands grabbing for my glasses.

After lunch we had to rush all the families and their new children to the embassy appointment. We stalled out a few times but made it through the city to the embassy. Fred teased our driver Mulat that he had better get some fuel before the bus died on us. It was mid day and very hot. Kai Misikir was great through out the whole thing, sleeping mostly. I was concerned because he had gone so easily with us for this road trip, and didn't even know who we were. As we climbed the stairs to the final packed room, two people immediately offered me a seat (as I was holding the baby). It was very considerate.

After about two hours we made our way out of the building back towards the bus. There were hugs all around to the families as the embassy appointment had been the last step, the final approval of the adoption. We were legally all new parents.

As we were leaving another large group came in that was apparently with a different agency. Suddenly I could see what some Ethiopians see: many, many white people leaving the country with Ethiopian children. Seeing this group helped me understand, just a little bit, what the emotions of some Ethiopian citizens might be.

On our ride back to the guest house, Mulat and Betty had to stop to pick up all the photos of the children for their visas. We pulled up in front of an official looking building, they jumped out, closed the door, and we waited. It didn't take long for our white mini bus, filled with mostly white people holding black children, to attract attention. I happened to be sitting on the side by the main road. Some people passed by and smiled and cooed to Misikir as he stared out the window. Other people held out their hand, and some children started knocking on the windows signing for eat, food. It was the little girls that bothered me the most. I'm not sure why. Maybe they reminded me too much of Kiana. Two girls in particular that sat by the side of the road until we finally drove away. They couldn't have been more than five or six. When we were waiting they made faces at Kai and got him to smile, then they would ask for food or money again. Every time Kai smiled they would giggle together amongst themselves. I watched them give me the universal finger as we drove away without giving them anything at all. I still wish I had.

That night the group got a late start to join Dr. Tsegaye, the Ethiopian director, at a celebratory traditional Ethiopian restaurant. Everyone climbed into the bus and headed out, very hungry. It was about 8pm when we stalled in the middle of the road on a hill. After revving unsuccessfully a few times, Mulat jumped out of the van, ran around the back, grabbed the oil can and took off running. We all sat there, in the middle of the street at night, while people honked their horns and drove around us. After about 35 minutes Mulat shows up, puts some gas in the mini bus, jumps back in the drivers seat, and without a word drives us all to the restaurant. It was almost nine at night by the time we were sitting and being served. It was an amazing restaurant with singing and dancing performed up front, and many people eating and drinking. It was warm in the restaurant and the smell of incense hung in the air. I don't drink but was definitely feeling woozy. When the food arrived and there was only injera to scoop with, no bread for Kiana and myself, I sort of broke down. It had been a long day and I was beyond sleep deprived and jet lagged and over saturated emotionally (is it terrible I don't like injera?). I started crying and had to step outside and collect myself. Fred, Lenea and Kiana came out, soon after joined by Mulat and Israel (Dr. Tsagays son). They were so, so nice and kind to me and after I had finally gotten myself together and came back in, Mulat had managed to find me some bread for the vegetarian portions of the food. I am so grateful to them for being so understanding. Thankfully I didn't miss Kiana joining in with some of the traditional dancing. On the way home Kiana quizzed Fred, Lenea and Aldous on the amount of alcohol they had consumed and whether or not they might be drunk. By the way Aldous was dancing with the band I don't blame her for asking! lol. What a night!

Tuesday we spent time hanging out with Kai Misikir and visiting all four baby rooms. I loved watching my son interact with the nannies, two of whom he was very bonded to. Their affection and sincerity towards the children was remarkable. They do so much for these children by loving them. It teaches them to trust and bond and grow. I took pictures of babies and toddlers who's parents were waiting so patiently to come and pick them up. It warmed my heart to see them playing and knowing they all had parents waiting for them.

That afternoon we were escorted by the very cool guard Isaac to the bigger kids orphanage house. I had brought toothpaste, toothbrushes, jump ropes, jelly bracelets, stickers and balls to hand out. Unfortunately because it was raining (again) we couldn't hand out the jump ropes or balls but we did manage to share the bracelets and stickers. Kiana went around and handed each child a bracelet. Fred got all choked up and had to step outside, I wish I had video of that moment, it was amazing. The children then all sat down at the tables and were served plain pancakes and hot tea. It was so, so cute to see all these little children blowing on their individual cups of tea. I started crying thinking about the children that were still waiting to be matched with a forever family. Currently there were 47 children, 17 of whom were waiting to go home. I couldn't help but wonder what happens to the children that never get matched?

We took some photos and toured the sleeping quarters and tiny classroom. We saw the kitchen and got a quick lesson in the art of making injera. Fred talked to the cooks about their pans (although I'm not convinced they knew what he was talking about). I wish I could understand what the woman chatted about as we walked around. I was very impressed with the social worker there and the "head sister". They were so loving towards the children. When we left Fred said he would love to adopt an older boy next time, the hardest age/gender to place.

That night Kiana got very sick; vomiting and diarrhea. Wednesday Fred and I were very tired and many people in the guest house were sick. Kiana stayed in bed that day, Lenea and I joined a group going to the street market and in the afternoon we went to a museum and the weavers compound. Now that was fantastic and I wish I could have spent much more time admiring all their amazing work. Imagine a huge warehouse type room just filled with looms and weavers of all kinds. They were very friendly and generous showing us their work. I bought quite a few scarves and Fred got a traditional shirt. I wish I had bought lots more.

Thursday Kiana felt better and joined us as we went to the Dutch embassy to get a transit visa for Kai as the KLM airline and Dutch Embassy on the phone had instructed us to do. Needless to say after we had gotten through all the check points and driven half way across town the woman on the inside of the Dutch Embassy assured us we would not need a transit visa for the baby. Ummm, OK.

On the way back to the guest house we stopped at the large grocery store. Fred had asked Yonas where he could buy a new pan and knife for the cook, Sinadu. Fred and Yonas and the store keeper discussed the different pans and knives for sale. The only thing Fred wasnt able to buy was a new spatula for her, they would only sell it as a set. Sinadu was psyched when Fred gave her the things we had brought back from the store.

That afternoon we visited a great bookstore and stopped to visit The Marcado. I loved this outing! We were able to walk, escorted, through the tented aisles of herbs and spices, butter and vegetables. Little children ran up to Fred pointing at the tattoo of a lion on his forearm and yelling Simba, Simba! Mulat told the kids he was a famous wrestler from America. It was like walking into another world...I only wish I could have blended in to really have the full experience. A little child ran up to Lenea and proclaimed she was a rich Ethiopian woman- and then ran away. One woman I photographed was sitting in the middle of an isle surrounded by vegetables. She wasn't very happy about me photographing her until Fred gave her ten birr. Then she smiled for a better shot.

The drive out of The Marcado was insane with bumper to bumper traffic. I got lots of pictures of this part of the city as it was so interesting. They have a whole section of The Marcado dedicated to "recycled" items of every sort. Copper wire, vegetable oil containers, tires, metal etc. The meat shops made me ever more inclined to be entirely vegetarian. People were everywhere. Children were everywhere.

Friday all the families but one were due to leave after the coffee ceremony. We were leaving the next day so we took the morning to visit the Orphanage AHOPE which I read so much about. This was something I really wanted to do. When we got there all the older children were in class, but we had a wonderful time playing with the younger kids. Some of the children looked completely healthy, while other children were quite sick. We played for a while, snapped pictures, handed out bracelets and spoke with a woman volunteering from England. She told us about the orphanages in Ethiopia for children with disabilities or mental retardation. She spoke alot about the need for more education all around. The experience was so moving for all of us, so special. I would absolutely consider the adoption of a child with HIV.

In the afternoon, the children from the big kids house arrived to dance for us and lead a meal time blessing. Dr. Tsagaye got up and spoke (although I couldn't hear him from my seat) as well as the head "Sister" Eskala. Katie represented the group of parents by thanking all the staff in both Amharic and English. Totally impressive. Sister Eskala held onto Misikir most of the ceremony and then he was passed around the nannies and big kids. He was so patient about it all, just watching. It was beautiful to watch the children dancing and singing.

Smelling the super strong coffee (they did not have milk or cream) was starting to make me nauseous and by the time the ceremony ended I was up in our room getting sick. I was sick until the next morning and missed saying good bye to all the other families :(

Saturday morning I sent Fred on a mission to go to the big kids house and get any pictures of children that we had missed for their waiting parents. He walked up there, took one photo of each child, and returned triumphant. I couldn't believe he had only taken one photo! But I was too sick to complain.

By mid afternoon I was feeling a bit better and Lenea was packing up all the bags. I had spent some final moments on the roof of the guest house, looking out over the city. The mist was still covering the mountains in the distance. It was beautiful, but in a sorrowful way. The inequity of it all is just impossible for me to understand. Children- human beings- deserve so much more.

When we were all packed up and paid I got ready to get Misikir from infant room one. I gathered a yellow, one piece outfit that looked comfy to sleep in. I pre pared the diaper bag with plenty of ready made formula and diapers. Why was my heart so heavy?

I took my shoes off outside the door as usual and went inside. Misikir's favorite nanny was holding him on the floor next to the window. As I sat down next to her I could see she was crying and I hugged both her and the baby. She repeated the same phrases over and over to him rocking him in her arms and then as we changed him together into his going home outfit. I tried to explain to her how grateful I was that she loved him, that she cared so deeply. We cried so much together because I knew what she was feeling. Even though in her heart she knew that he would leave one day, there is no way to prepare for that kind of heart ache. When I finally walked out to the van I asked Mulat if he would translate for me. We went back into the room and I spoke from the deepest place in my heart of my gratitude to her and the goodness of her work. She thanked me for providing a good home for Misikir as she loved him very much. She was glad that he was going to such a loving family with a loving sister. It makes me cry just thinking about it again. Very emotional- soul changing.

We quietly drove through the military check points and to the airport. Even though it was a joyous occasion to be returning home, there was a sadness about it too. It took a long time to get through the airport, all the different stops before you reach the actual plane. I still felt sick and very tired as I scrunched myself against the side of the plane. Kiana cuddled up beside me and Fred held Misikir on his lap (no bulkhead seats available). It was a rocky flight to Amsterdam, or maybe I was jsut particularly miserable. I was wearing one of Fred's shirts as I seriously underpacked for both myself and Kiana.

When we arrived in Amsterdam Fred struck up a conversation with some people who turned out to be evangelicals and wanted to bestow prayers on Kai. I went with Kiana and Lenea to find something to eat. At 6:30am we were still waiting for the rude bistro-ess lady to open her stand. We bought three coffees, four pastries and a bottle of water. Euros or dollars? she asked. I only have dollars, I replied. OK, $32.00 Yikes! And we paid it, even though we shouldnt have. It definatly wasnt worth it and apparently the dollars not worth much either.

I thought the next flight would never end. Thankfully we breezed through customs and immigration again. Even our sons paperwork went well. When we came out to the parking area my mother, father, aunt, brother and his girlfriend were all there to greet us! It was so nice. My mother was crying so I handed Kai off to her. I still cant get over what a patient baby he was during that whole trip. I took a shower as soon as I got to my mothers, I had missed water pressure so much.

We had lunch and decided to drive home. There is just something about getting back to your own bed, your own comforts of home. Plus Kiana desperately missed the dogs, especially Bella. I dont think Kai had any idea why he was strapped into a car seat but he slept most all the way. I was so tired Fred had to drive- I just couldnt wake up.

Our Trip to Ethiopia (part one)

2008-07-26T20:55:00.016-04:00

I got the e mail while at work late morning of June 30th. Our travel date was scheduled for July 11th and our embassy appointment on the 14th at 1pm in Addis Ababa. Needless to say I was shocked. I needed to prepare to travel in eleven days. I spent the next two days frantically on the phone between my sister in LA (who's credit card we were reimbursing) and a travel agent from Adam travel (who I do not recommend...). I was also madly trying to reach Lenea who had chosen that week to attend a silent yoga retreat somewhere in Massachusetts which she did not leave any emergency information about. Truth be told we really did not anticipate leaving so soon. Lenea returned at the end of the week and discovered that her parents would help support her travelling with us which was great news. Then we took money out of Fred's IRA, I borrowed against our tax returns (which arrived while we were gone-yay!) and my parents ensured I would not be travelling to Ethiopia alone. Have I told you how incredible the people in our lives are?

Our tickets had us leaving with Northwest at 7:30pm from Logan airport in Boston on 7/11/08. From there we would fly to Amsterdam, have a two hour lay over, then fly KLM to Sudan and then to Ethiopia. Our return flight would leave 10:30pm from Addis on 7/20/08 straight to Amsterdam and then back to Boston.

On 7/9/08 in the evening I was organizing my paperwork in a binder my sister had made for me a few years ago when she invited us to her wedding. It was sectioned off and tabbed for me to get everything in order. When I got to the section of what I would need for the embassy appointment two majorly important forms were missing. I had completely forgot to do the I864 and get the vaccination waiver form notarized. So I stayed up late filling out the forms I downloaded offline (yay for high speed Internet) and pre paring all the duplicate tax forms. The morning that we left on Friday we were outside the bank waiting for them to open. An hour later we drove off to Boston- all necessary forms stamped and notarized.

We checked in six bags, two of which were full of donations for the infant rooms, the big kids house and for AHOPE. Our carry on was stocked with Luna bars and power bars, trail mix and a pharmacy of many health remedies. Since we were three adults, one child, a car seat, and six bags we had to take two cars to travel the three hours to my mothers, and therefor two cars to drive us 45 minutes to the airport. My family is so nice :)

Northwest to Amsterdam was a breeze. KLM to Sudan was awful. However it was amazing to look at the Sahara Desert as we got closer to Sudan. I wish I could have seen more than the little airplane window provided. I have never seen such an expanse of golden brown, the sprinkling of clouds creating shadows here and there over the sand. Occasionally a glimpse of an old truck rambling across the singular main road.
Sudan to Ethiopia was rough. After Sudan the elderly plane was crowded and stifling. I couldn't seem to get even close to being comfortable. How much more is business class?

Getting off the plane in Addis was wonderful, I was so glad to be on solid ground. Somehow we flew through the first line and rested in the next line for the 30 day Ethiopian visiting visa. That line eventually brought us to four people who passed our passports back and forth, discussing them and finally giving their stamp of approval. The next line proved longer as we waited our turn with immigration. When it was our turn he asked us why we were visiting, where we were going, how long would we be etc. We went to find our luggage with our passports stamped. We located all our bags, stood online to have our luggage tags matched, then through security again where they scanned our bags and our bodies. How many times had they done that during this trip? As we excited the very busy airport we were disappointed to find no driver waiting for us. We had attracted some attention, and I was not enjoying being in this predicament. Thankfully I had my trusty book that had the phone numbers for the house and the taxi driver. A young man commented to Lenea that she looked Ethiopian, and he was kind enough to allow her to use his cell phone as we called Yonas, the cab driver. While we waited for Yonas Fred struck up a conversation with the military man who was guarding the airport exit. Apparently men from all walks of life enjoy discussing the durability of their work boots.

Yonas arrived to pick us up in a little four door 1981 Toyota. As we followed him to the car many different men came up to us to try and "help" us with our bags. One man helped us squish the bags into the car and we were off to the guest house. Kiana sat on Fred's lap in the front seat and Lenea sat on mine in the back seat that we shared with several over stuffed luggage.

Finally we were going down the tiny unmarked single vehicle driveway which a guard let us through. We quickly tumbled out of the car and paid the driver. Then we crept inside the first baby room and saw Kai Misikir, in real life, fast asleep. I counted his toes and fingers and stroked his soft, perfect cheek. Fred got all teary eyed and Kiana held his hand. We decided to let him sleep.

I do not even remember falling asleep that night as we threw down our bags and crashed. Fred and I shared two twin beds pushed together (a king?) Kiana had the couch and Lenea had a cot mattress. We had to leave at 5:30am for our overnight trip to Awassa to meet any birth family members. The coordinator Mulat assured us we would get a wake up call at 4:45am. At 5:00am Fred jumped out of bed and we all rushed around to get ready and get the overnight bag packed. We pretty much missed breakfast but joined the other families out front that were also travelling. It was rainy and chilly and we all had sweatshirts and jackets on. I grabbed the photo book I had made on snapfish and overnighted to my parents (did I tell you how unprepared I was?) and the letter I had written to the birth family the night before we left. I was so nervous to find out- who would be at the visit? I had no idea what to expect.

The drive to Awassa was beautiful and heart wrenching. Driving out of the city was our first experience viewing Addis Ababa in the day light. Unmarked dirt roads with no traffic lights or signs. Vehicles broken down in the road as the traffic winds around it. The smell of diesel and the lack of oxygen in the air as we drove out of the city through the industrial section was shocking. I tried not to be nauseous as our driver expertly got us through the roads and ditches and into the country.

The country side in Ethiopia is nothing short of breath taking. We were visiting during the rainy season, and all the fields were a luscious shade of green. Acacia trees and cactus's sprinkled the fields and live stock seemed to wander without a destination. Every twenty miles or so we would come into a tiny town where people were mulling around. Since it was Sunday not everyone was working. Everywhere we drove there will children; in the fields, in yards, washing clothes in stagnant water, playing on Foosball tables, herding goats or donkeys or just watching one another. Maybe I just didn't notice the adults as much, as it is so foreign to me to see so many unsupervised children. My American eyes saw only the possibility of them running into the street, or getting sick from animal waste their bare feet walked through. Many little children were carrying or caring for even smaller children, as I am sure the older children are expected to assist in working the fields. I watched in awe as we sped along the road our driver told us eventually would lead to Kenya.

We watched the sun rise as we stopped for machiato's at a tiny motel/diner. The bathroom had no running water or toilet seat and we were glad to have remembered the toilet paper. I regretted not having any birr on me to tip the tiny old man who was pushing a mop back and forth across the dirty tiles. After each person used the toilet he would bring a small bucket of dirty water and pour it down the toilet bowl. I wondered where exactly the sewer went as the smell was quite strong. By the time we left our vehicle had attracted young boys selling gum out of cardboard boxes. The gum had strange names and flavours and seemed to all be made in China. Lenea and Kiana each bought some and the one particular boy was very pleased.

As we came into Awassa our driver, Moola, pointed out the colleges and explained that it was an educated town with many young people who were working towards degrees. People stared at us as we pulled in front of a run down government building guarded by a man with a machine gun. As we got out two children ran towards us asking for food or water. One child was missing an arm and the other child seemed blind. As we walked more children gathered around and our driver reminded us not to give anything as he said something to the kids we couldn't understand. It was very difficult not to give them our power bars or water bottles. When we approached the gate the children ran off and we were led inside to meet the social worker, Girma.

***p.s. I feel the need to add something after reviewing this post that took me darn near all week due to time constraints and the fact that the photos all loaded onto the computer in a completely un-orderly fashion -plus my mouse is dying, and will not obey my commands. I do not mean to sound insensitive when my descriptions are blunt. Understand that I do not compare the conditions and living opportunities in Ethiopia to that of the United States. There is no comparison. It is with utmost respect for the people of that country that I write in my descriptions exactly what I saw to paint a visual of the reality. I will continue to do that as I write additions to my travel story.***

a quick note

2008-07-20T23:58:00.002-04:00

I have no energy for an original post. So I am just copying from the quick note I left for my online -fellow- agency -people- waiting -to -adopt list.
"-Just got home-
-Amazing-
Lots of sick folks...
Got quite a few photos on my friends nice camera which I do not have the connector for. As soon as it is located I promise to get photos to all the waiting parents that requested them.
Know that your kids are so wonderful and so loved.
It was just an amazing experience to be a part of.
Will post after a decent attempt at sleep..."

...more to come and hopefully tons of photos and perhaps even a video directed by Ms. Kiana. Her main focus is to create a sort of vertigo feeling much like a roller coaster or three D theme park ride for all her viewers. You may even find yourself watching a ball thrown between two children with the focus on the ball, not the children :)

The post you have been waiting for-

2008-07-04T19:24:00.004-04:00

-and really- the point of this whole blog.

We have officially been granted the privilege of parenting Misikir.

When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing, then we truly live life.

--Greg Anderson

This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good.

--Author Unknown

"We can do no great things,

only small things with great love."

~at times I stumble~

2008-06-21T09:43:00.005-04:00

I thought I was doing pretty good. Staying focused: had the party, had a nice time with the family, got all seven travel shots (Kiana was such a trooper about it), did the annual fingerprinting in Hartford, got Kiana signed up for camp...
But there is so much more to do. The list seems to increase and my time seems to decrease. As a parent I am used to this, the super juggling act. Yet when I woke up yesterday I felt such a heavy weight on my shoulders. I had a tough time falling asleep the night before. I couldn't stop wondering what life was like right now for Kai Misikir.

When he goes to sleep at night he is surrounded by other children. Does he cry out? Does he lay awake and listen to the other children, to the reassuring voices of the nannies? Does he twirl the strands of hair on his head in between his fingers as he tries to comfort himself to sleep, or perhaps he's found a tag on the blanket or mattress? Does he sleep all night or awaken suddenly when another child cries out? Or is he used to the constant hum of noise, the bustling sounds of a filled nursery. At eight months he is older than many of the babies, his brain more developed. Perhaps he looks forward to a particular nannies touch, her gentle embrace is familiar to him as he is carried to change his clothes. How will this transition work? Another life altering adjustment he will have to make and navigate. Will he be scared of us and reach for the nanny, or maybe fascinated and unsure?

Eventually I fell asleep with my un-answerable questions. There is no way for me to know. Adoption brings with it many unknowns, many mysteries. I am still struggling to accept this fact. The relationship with a child from birth already has a history with you from his/her inception. Yet in adoption your child's history has nothing to do with you, it is his own and buried in his sub conscious memory. His experiences that will form and shape him are completely separate from you. Knowing this actually helps me to appreciate that he had time with his birth parents and grand parents. They will forever be a part of his mental structure in one way or another. I recognize and understand that it will take time for Kai Misikir to turn to me or Fred with outstretched arms for hugs and reassurance. Our all encompassing love may be overwhelming at first and maybe even frightening. Our smell, our touch and mannerisms will all be unfamiliar, foreign. My expectations of myself as a mother are still the same though, to meet his needs and nourish his soul to the best of my ability.

I remember when our foster children first came to live with us Z was only 17 months old. They stayed with us one weekend before moving in and I remember thinking to myself what a "good baby" he was. He seemed to fall right to sleep and never cried. It was only when they were living with us did I catch on to something being not quite right. I would sit in the rocking chair, read a night time story and sing a few songs. Z would be be relaxed and sleepy and I would lay him in his crib. When I lay him on his back he would immediately open his eyes very wide and stare at me soundless. He would then stay laying on his back but watch me intently as I quietly walked out of the room and closed the door. Not a peep. No matter if it was light out, or dark, or noisy, or quiet- he did the same thing. Then I started spying on him after he thought I had left. After a few moments he would turn on his side and into a sitting position. For what seemed like three minutes he just sat there looking around and then slowly started to rock. His chubby little body rocked forward and then backwards repetitively. It didn't shake the crib that much on the carpet and he didn't cry, yet I felt so sad he had taught himself this way to comfort and induce himself to sleep. I had so many questions- did he learn that no matter how much he cried no one would come? How many stretched hours had he been confined to a crib, his muscles under developed and untested, his soiled bedding ignored. Technically they were removed because of neglect. Was it neglect that made Z's eyes startle open as I went to lay him down, his stare alarmed and afraid?

I started a journal to jot down my thoughts and concerns that very day. Maybe the things I noticed about both children were due to my naivety about the conditions they were removed from, the history of their multiple placements in their short lives. But I needed the visual proof to decipher how I was feeling and how I could help to change the patterns the children had taught themselves.

When the children left eight months later I gave a copy of that journal to their "new" social worker. I have no idea if it was ever read or considered. But who knows? That's the thing about foster care, you just never know what happens to the children. It becomes necessary to dig down deep and find that spark of hope that you made a difference somehow to their development, their tiny soul.

I am nervous about all the things I need to accomplish before we can even think about travelling (around 7/25/08 perhaps?). Kiana's physical, letter to science camp, laundry, organizing, follow up on fingerprints, buying tickets, paperwork... its overwhelming. I'm off to work an extra shift tonight 3pm-11pm and Fred has picked up an extra job tomorrow, Sunday. Thankfully we all attended the little carnival in town together last night so at least we got to see one another :)

I know I didn't do a Fathers Day post, but it goes without saying that my husband is amazing. He works so hard and I appreciate him so much. At the party he proudly wore his New Dad ribbon I had given him and there is no doubt in my mind he will be a terrific daddy to our son.
I am grateful I had a special dad in my life to model for me the type of man/partner I could one day spend my life with.
Happy Birthday Dad, and thanks so much for everything...

"Sherman made the terrible discovery that men make about their fathers sooner or later... that the man before him was not an aging father but a boy, a boy much like himself, a boy who grew up and had a child of his own and, as best he could, out of a sense of duty and, perhaps love, adopted a role called Being a Father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a Protector, who would keep a lid on all the chaotic and catastrophic possibilities of life."

~Tom Wolfe, The Bonfire of the Vanities

Just for you Fred:

"Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again."

~Jimmy Piersal, on how to diaper a baby, 1968

YES WE CAN - Music Video Barack Obama

2008-06-13T15:43:00.001-04:00

I am so moved by this video. I wanted to share it with you.
Thank you.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for being involved.
Si se puede!

Mother Nature

2008-06-11T14:31:00.002-04:00

I live in rural north western Connecticut where the weather is usually standard East Coast fare. Recently however, things have been very loopy.
Last week we had temperatures from 97 degrees to 102 degrees with very high humidity. It was terrible! Someone working with Fred almost passed out on the job site from heat exhaustion. Luckily Fred had on one of the cooling bands that you soak in water and freeze overnight. He wore it around his neck and claimed it helped to withstand the heat. My husband laughs when people complain about the heat, as there is nothing quite like pouring concrete on an open job site in 98 degree weather. I know I couldn't do it, its the true meaning of hard work.
Yesterday as Kiana and I were driving home (no air conditioning mind you) we heard reports of tornado warnings! It was so hot and miserable I have to admit I didn't pay much attention to the weather advisory. As the night progressed a storm started that was loud thunder and lightning and whipping winds. Our bed had me and Fred in it, Kiana (who was quite scared) her dog Bella and our little dog Bindi, who was also petrified due to the storm. Talk about hot and uncomfortable! I am not sure how we ended up falling asleep, but in the morning we awoke to quite a sight. During the evening the whole town lost electricity, and outside our window a huge branch was perched precariously on our electrical wires. Across the street from us the farm stand had its sign posts knocked down and flower pots were strewn all over. The house next to them lost part of their roof, and the house next to us had two huge trees totally uprooted with one landing on the house. Thankfully no one was hurt, but it was definitely something to see. All along our route trees and branches were strewn about and the electric companies trucks were everywhere. Sadly we may not have electricity until Saturday and you can just guess how fun that is with no running water (showers & toilets anyone?). Kiana is out of school for the summer, so I am dragging her to work with me all this week and next. We left early this morning and I took a shower at work and we brushed our teeth. Its amazing how much is dependent on electricity to function!
Believe it or not it is actually beautiful outside right now. A cool breeze with 80 degree weather. I absolutely hope its like this for our party celebration on Sunday at Kiana's school. Tornadoes or 98 degree weather I do not want.
Do you enjoy listening to local community run radio? I will be on 97.7 fm WBCR tonight at 8pm for some adoption convo- listen in!

~out of my comfort zone~

2008-06-06T15:48:00.005-04:00

What is the opposite of the word "social"? If I look this word up it will say "anti-social". Somehow that doesn't sound right to me. In high school I considered myself social because I had many activities. School, work, family commitments, friend commitments.
When I was in college I was scared to death. I was reserved, quiet, brooding.
And when I moved back to the Berkshires I was the same girl, and yet incredibly different.
The funny thing for me was- everyone else had changed too.
But this doesn't make me anti-social does it?
It has taken me a long time to re adjust to small town living. When I go to the grocery store I often have the same person checking my groceries. Especially if I'm at Big Y and I get in Shirley's line. I worked with Shirley at BROOKS all through high school and a bit of college summers. Shirley has always worked at least two jobs (Bush and McCain's favorite kind of American). She taught me how to operate the lottery machine. You wouldn't believe how complicated some people are about their lottery numbers!
I get gas at the same place most of the time. They usually have the best prices and somehow know the owner of the hotel where I work. Not that it helps with the price of my gas.
Through this process I have met some of the coolest people in this community. Some of them I know from when I was a little girl, others I have met through Kiana or throughout daily living.
Am I still shy? Yes, I think so. I just added the "what type of flower are you?" widget on the left hand column of the blog, and its pretty accurate. But don't mistake my
reserved-ness for weakness. I wear my thoughts and beliefs on my sleeve and I am never afraid to tell you my honest opinion if you are truly asking for it.
Having a child was the perfect balance for me, I could focus all the energy on my daughter and figure it out as we went along.
Recently I have had some amazing people enter in our lives. People that are interested in adoption, or perhaps have questions about Ethiopia and the journey we have been travelling. I am regularly swept away by almost strangers showing so much kindness and interest in our process. I have been humbled by people repeatedly, in the best way possible.
I will say one thing- this is a very surreal feeling.
I have a child that I will be raising for the rest of my life, and he is on the other side of the world.
I have never run my fingers through his hair, or examined his little finger nails. For almost eight months he has been sleeping, yawning and discovering his toes- all without me watching.
This part is truly difficult. Waiting before was different. Now that I know who our son is, now that I have seen his cheeks and wispy hair, I think of him every day. I see his tiny self, and although I know and trust that he is well cared for and supported, I want it to be over. I want him back here with us, or for us to be there with him. I'm telling you, If we could go now? If we could go and still have our lives here function for our return- I would do it in a flash. I wouldn't care about the heat, or the occasional loss of electricity. Give me bugs and bottled water, if we were all together I swear I just wouldn't care. Can you imagine what kind of a learning experience that would be for not only me and Fred, but especially for Kiana?!
My grandmother thinks I have bleeding heart syndrome. I am not clear however, what her suggestion for a cure was.
I have been grinding my teeth at night, I can feel it in the morning when my jaw feels tight and the enamel feels rough. What should I do about this?
I am definitely driving my husband crazy. I am working on the additional paperwork that is due to our agency, and preparing for my family and friends to come and celebrate next weekend. He cant deal with me trying tell him what to do, so instead I have to hint or straight out ask, and I don't know if he likes that any better.
We are more scared than anything else at this point. Kai Misikir is not technically our son yet, we are waiting for a court date in Addis Ababa, which we will then set up our travelling around. Once we are there we will stand in front of a judge and be told whether or not we are new parents. At this point the road has been paved, and any bumps have been straightened out. Our agency has been 100% successful so far. Although easing my fears, that information still doesn't take the fear away.

This love is risky, cautious, scary... perhaps I will have a different perspective to write about in a few months, when the real parenting-two-children-thing starts.

Pictures courtesy of Kiana when she was on vacation in North Carolina on April break with Maria and Dominique. I would share the cute video clips if blogger would actually load them! Is there something special I am supposed to be doing?!?

May Day Loveliness

2008-05-30T11:38:00.006-04:00

Part of me wanted to blog about the staggering cost of gas right now, or how much I found myself paying for a red pepper the other day. I could lament at my anxiety level around the fact that we do not have our fingerprint extension back yet from Mr. Government. Or I could disect and discuss the recent article concerning race in the foster care system, or these clips of families discussing race in America.

Then I watched these clips of Kiana at her school's May Day festival, and looked at the pictures of her and her friends. I changed my mind for today and decided to share them with you, passing on my ray of sunlight....

Kiana finishes school very early, only two more weeks! So today I am off to hear her sing "Tomorrow" from Annie, and then I will go and watch her play Athena in her Greek play next Tuesday. The fun never stops!

******************************************************************

6/2/08 Follow Up: Apparently Blogger will not allow me to post video clips right now...I will keep trying though so check back!

Bargain Hunting

2008-05-24T12:00:00.001-04:00

Here is something that is not an option for me: buying all new stuff. So its a good thing I love to try and find really good deals. And honestly, sometimes it takes me a long time.
Here is something I previously had a lot of: time.
I started picking things up when we became foster parents in 2002. I had a car seat from when Kiana was little, and someone gave me a second one. I already had a carriage, and a crib and we picked up children's dishes, sippy cups and utensils at yard sales. I do love yard sale-ing, but I hardly ever buy anything. If you have ever had a yard sale yourself, you can picture me as that annoying customer who only spends three minutes looking around and then leaves. How do you know what I'm selling in three minutes? Its because I am a specific shopper. So the tag sales that have baby items usually hold my attention. I have gotten incredible deals, especially on kids clothes. A brand new wicker hamper, a wooden children's desk, brand new toddler hiking boots, you name it. I check my area's craigslist once a week in their baby section ever since discovering my gorgeous crib (which I would show you a picture of if it was actually assembled) for only $100 bucks. My cute baby bedding was only $10 from a local area's resale fundraiser. I cant wait to put it all together.
My sister is giving me her extra sheep skin blanket for Kai's crib and my mother bought us a baby gate last Christmas. Elspeth is also lending me her breast pump, travelling child's chair amongst other, oh so vital, baby accessories.
Ive been offered an excersaucer, a baby swing, a back pack and clothes, clothes, clothes.
Here's the thing- everyone is really eager to get rid of all the things that their kids do not use anymore. Some of the things I say, great! Others I kindly decline.
My latest treasure? I really wanted a Britax Roundabout car seat, but they are super expensive. So I started hunting on ebay. I had some criteria: needs to be in clean condition, needs all parts, need to check serial number to make sure it has not been recalled, can't have been in an accident, needs to be in this certain price range- including shipping.
I literally lost sixteen bids before finally winning one yesterday. Its really nice and forest green and worth getting discouraged over loosing for. A sweet deal for sure.
The one item I have had absolutely no luck finding is an all wooden high chair. No plastic tray or plastic in between the legs, just wood. And it cant be 250 years old either. I never had a high chair with Kiana, I just used a plastic booster seat you strap onto a chair. But I always wanted one, and now we have the space.
Why choose plastic over wood? I just don't see the point. Its not that much cheaper, wood definitely lasts longer and is more sturdy, and it feels nicer. I'm all about the wood and wool, and cotton. Did I mention I also need to find a sling?
What can I say, its the hippie chick in me.
Bargain hunting does have a draw back though. Mine is named Fred. He hates to see "stuff" coming into the house, or the shed. He hates the accumulation and gets tired of being told how glad he will someday be when he doesn't have to actually buy all this "stuff".
"You mean we have to actually keep size three boys clothing? Hes only seven months! Where am I going to store it?"
"But when he's size three, I wont have to buy anything, and besides, its well labelled!"
We have many conversations that are strikingly similar to that.
Did I tell you I found a brand new, popular label, super nice blue bunting snowsuit n size 18 months for 85% off?!?

Waiting to Travel

2008-05-22T12:59:00.004-04:00

Thank you to all the wonderful well wishes and congratulations we have received over this past week. We are so lucky to have such a warm and supportive community.
A super appreciative thanks to my fellow blogging readers, especially the lurkers, who came out from behind the screen to cheer us on. I need your comments to encourage me to write!
As of May 21st we are officially waiting for our travel dates. They are usually anywhere from 8-12 weeks after your acceptance has been confirmed. Since we were away all weekend for Colin's and Laura's graduation, we didn't get the paperwork in as soon as I would have liked. On Tuesday I made Fred meet me at the bank to notarize our paperwork so I could overnight it to Boston (poor Fred was in his work gear and all the guys had to wait in the work truck for him at the bank, it was quite a sight). And although we knew we were accepting the referral, it was nice to get the doctors thumbs up on Monday.
I have set up an appointment for all three of us to get our travel shots on June 10th, and am starting in on the paperwork that was e mailed to me from the agency. You have no idea how much paperwork there is.
I was asked the other day if childbirth or adoption is more difficult. Without a question it is adoption. The waiting, the length, the paperwork- adoption is definitely challenging. Give me natural childbirth again anytime. I can handle the physical pain, its the emotional pain of knowing Kai Misikir is on the other side of the world that's killing me.
I still have a ton of stuff to do, so I hope the time goes by quickly.
This is not our son either, but a very cute picture of Jaelynn, Manny's niece.
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Save the date! On June 15th we are going to have a celebratory gathering from 1-4pm at Kiana's school. I would love for everyone to join us!
Leave me your e mail for more information.

I'ts a BOY!

2008-05-19T15:34:00.003-04:00

Can you believe it? A referral!!!!!

Suddenly, things moved so fast. And I can honestly say I was not expecting it. I had actually been a bit lazy.

I had shots to get, appointments to make, estimation of travel expenses were on my mind.

Didn't they say to expect eighteen months? MEC said perhaps before Christmas? (by the way these are the initials from someone on my whfc Ethiopia adoption group. I have no idea what her name actually is).

But I digress.
I received the phone call at work on May 13th at 11am. It was a very busy morning. The multi lined phone system was ringing off the hook, and I heard an associate ask someone if they wanted to hold on the phone and wait for me or be transferred to voicemail. They said they wanted to wait. Which of course meant the elderly woman on the phone took forever to finish her endless list of questions.

When I finally answered the phone I thought our social worker was calling about the e mail I had sent that morning concerning our CIS status.

"No", she said, "I'm calling with some great news!"

The first thing I said was "Are you sure?"

When she started to tell me about him my eyes watered up and I couldn't keep standing there at the front desk with people around me and phones ringing. I told her to hold on and transferred her to my desk. Then I just said "excuse me" and ran- super fast- back around to my phone.

She told me he is seven months old and a little more about his situation. I was absolutely shaking and had to sit down. I made an appointment with her to come to the office the next day at 4pm. She said she would e mail me his pictures in about an hour.

I grabbed the cordless phone and ran outside to call Fred. It rang and rand and rang. I hung up and called back about five times.

Finally he picked up "what do you want I'm in the ditch!" (Fred does concrete, scary stuff)

"Your a dad!"

"what?"

"I said, your a dad!"

"Really?!" -quiet pause-

And he says "OK, I gotta go".

That wasn't exactly the way I had wanted it to go, or envisioned it exactly. But then I forgot about it and called my mom at work and interrupted a meeting by telling them it was an emergency (she was only interviewing potential students for the school). She was so thrilled!!!

Then I called my sister Elspeth in Los Angeles, my sister Maeve in Boston, my brother Colin in Rhode Island, my dad in Maynard, and Lenea in Albany. It was so fun to have so much joy and celebration from everyone.

A few hours later I called our social worker who explained to us she could not e mail the pictures. Apparently it is WHFC policy to show the picture along with all his information when you meet with your SW. It was a very long night and a super duper long next day.

Thankfully Kiana was able to join Mary's family after school that day so Fred and I could drive the hour and a half to the office. Amanda was very nice and let us open the file by ourselves together.

Oh.

He is so, so beautiful. It took my breath away.

He has large brown eyes with questioning eyebrows. He's not afraid of the camera but rather is curious. Inquisitive. He has a traditional Mohawk haircut. Love it. Fred hopes they keep it at the orphanage.

I cant wait. I have that lump in my throat, the heavy weight on my chest.

We are so elated and scared and excited. Its a whirl wind of emotions.

The truth is I will not feel truly at peace until we are here, all together. And every t is crossed, every paper signed. This road has been so long, so curvy and full of steep hills.

I know I need to stay focused, now more than ever. There is so much to do.

I can not wait to show you his picture, then you will see why we are so in love. It would be impossible not to be. Even Kiana is smitten, and I think even excited about having a brother.

Our son hails from Aletachuko and his language is listed as Sidama. People say however, that he may learn Ahmaric at the orphanage. Maybe we will be able to learn a few basic words. We are hoping to practice sign language, which we did a little of with our foster son a few years ago. My niece, Delaney, and her parents are pros. I'm quite jealous :)

So here we go- its a wild ride. We've got to find a way to get ourselves to Addis Ababa (aren't those tax rebates, the stimulus package, on its way?) as a family. Or else I'm going alone, and that thought is suppppper dooooper scary. Valium anyone? Kidding.

Here's a concern I have;

I am just now learning to be the mom to an eleven year old. I have no idea how to mother a twelve year old. I'm just trying to catch on as we go. But I have been the mother to a seven month old, except that I was only twenty two. So I'm nervous, I hope I still know what I'm doing, or even more this time around.

I am so ready.

We have named him Kai Misikir Stevens.

Misikir, his given name, means "witness". Kai, in Hawaiian, means "Ocean".

Oh happy day!

(not our actual child:)

De top 'O de list

2008-05-14T13:04:00.002-04:00

Saturday night I was on the computer reading blogs when a message came through to my e mail box. It was a little birdy telling me that a recent traveller to the orphanage had seen a group of children arrive which included several infants. I was excited to hear this, but knew we had a few more months to wait.
On Monday our agency sent out their weekly update on families progression on the wait list. Low and behold there was our "on the wait list" date- right at the top!
You heard right people, we are NEXT on the list for the referral of an infant boy.
I couldn't believe it!
NEXT!!!!
All this time complaining about the wait, and suddenly it is here.
I have so much to do....
I am totally freaked out, and excited and all kinds of feelings.
Beyond anything else though I am feeling such a deep sense of gratitude. So grateful to have the support of my family, friends and community.
So grateful to be part of an online group of Ethiopian adoptive parents that are supportive of one another. So in awe of the birth parents of my future son. Their sacrifice, their struggles, their difficult challenges in life.
Suddenly the world is speeding forward, rushing really.
Maybe the referral will come this week, or next week, or next month. But it is absolutely around the corner, I can feel it.
Julie wrote a really amazing post on her blog The Eyes of My Eyes are Opened. Please check it out. She writes about the different stages of an international adoption, and the many questions that arise as one progresses and becomes more aware. A truly great post.
Keep your fingers crossed for us! :)

Remembering Mildred Loving

2008-05-09T12:02:00.007-04:00

Mildred Loving, matriarch of interracial marriage, dies
By DIONNE WALKER

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) —

Mildred Loving, a black woman whose challenge to Virginia's ban on interracial marriage led to a landmark Supreme Court ruling striking down such laws nationwide, has died, her daughter said Monday.
Peggy Fortune said Loving, 68, died Friday at her home in rural Milford. She did not disclose the cause of death.
"I want (people) to remember her as being strong and brave yet humble — and believed in love," Fortune told The Associated Press.
Loving and her white husband, Richard, changed history in 1967 when the U.S. Supreme Court upheld their right to marry. The ruling struck down laws banning racially mixed marriages in at least 17 states.
"There can be no doubt that restricting the freedom to marry solely because of racial classifications violates the central meaning of the equal protection clause," the court ruled in a unanimous decision.
Her husband died in 1975. Shy and soft-spoken, Loving shunned publicity and in a rare interview with The Associated Press last June, insisted she never wanted to be a hero — just a bride.
"It wasn't my doing," Loving said. "It was God's work."
Mildred Jeter was 11 when she and 17-year-old Richard began courting, according to Phyl Newbeck, a Vermont author who detailed the case in the 2004 book, "Virginia Hasn't Always Been for Lovers."
She became pregnant a few years later, she and Loving got married in Washington in 1958, when she was 18. Mildred told the AP she didn't realize it was illegal.
"I think my husband knew," Mildred said. "I think he thought (if) we were married, they couldn't bother us."
But they were arrested a few weeks after they returned to Central Point, their hometown in rural Caroline County north of Richmond. They pleaded guilty to charges of "cohabiting as man and wife, against the peace and dignity of the Commonwealth," according to their indictments.
They avoided jail time by agreeing to leave Virginia — the only home they'd known — for 25 years. They moved to Washington for several years, then launched a legal challenge by writing to Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy, who referred the case to the American Civil Liberties Union.
Attorneys later said the case came at the perfect time — just as lawmakers passed the Civil Rights Act, and as across the South, blacks were defying Jim Crow's hold.
"The law that threatened the Lovings with a year in jail was a vestige of a hateful, discriminatory past that could not stand in the face of the Lovings' quiet dignity," said Steven Shapiro, national legal director for the ACLU.
"We loved each other and got married," she told The Washington Evening Star in 1965, when the case was pending. "We are not marrying the state. The law should allow a person to marry anyone he wants."
After the Supreme Court ruled, the couple returned to Virginia, where they lived with their children, Donald, Peggy and Sidney. Each June 12, the anniversary of the ruling, Loving Day events around the country mark the advances of mixed-race couples.
Richard Loving died in a car accident that also injured his wife. "They said I had to leave the state once, and I left with my wife," he told the Star in 1965. "If necessary, I will leave Virginia again with my wife, but I am not going to divorce her."

In 2007, Mildred Loving released this statement:

Loving for All
By Mildred Loving
Prepared for Delivery on June 12, 2007,The 40th Anniversary of the Loving vs. Virginia Announcement
When my late husband, Richard, and I got married in Washington, DC in 1958, it wasn't to make a political statement or start a fight. We were in love, and we wanted to be married.
We didn't get married in Washington because we wanted to marry there. We did it there because the government wouldn't allow us to marry back home in Virginia where we grew up, where we met, where we fell in love, and where we wanted to be together and build our family. You see, I am a woman of color and Richard was white, and at that time people believed it was okay to keep us from marrying because of their ideas of who should marry whom.
When Richard and I came back to our home in Virginia, happily married, we had no intention of battling over the law. We made a commitment to each other in our love and lives, and now had the legal commitment, called marriage, to match. Isn't that what marriage is?
Not long after our wedding, we were awakened in the middle of the night in our own bedroom by deputy sheriffs and actually arrested for the "crime" of marrying the wrong kind of person. Our marriage certificate was hanging on the wall above the bed.
The state prosecuted Richard and me, and after we were found guilty, the judge declared:""Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix." He sentenced us to a year in prison, but offered to suspend the sentence if we left our home in Virginia for 25 years exile.
We left, and got a lawyer. Richard and I had to fight, but still were not fighting for a cause. We were fighting for our love.
Though it turned out we had to fight, happily Richard and I didn't have to fight alone.Thanks to groups like the ACLU and the NAACP Legal Defense & Education Fund, and so many good people around the country willing to speak up, we took our case for the freedom to marry all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. And on June 12, 1967, the Supreme Court ruled unanimously that, "The freedom to marry has long been recognized as one of the vital personal rights essential to the orderly pursuit of happiness by freemen," a "basic civil right."
My generation was bitterly divided over something that should have been so clear and right. The majority believed that what the judge said, that it was God's plan to keep people apart, and that government should discriminate against people in love. But I have lived long enough now to see big changes. The older generation's fears and prejudice shave given way, and today's young people realize that if someone loves someone they have a right to marry.
Surrounded as I am now by wonderful children and grandchildren, not a day goes by that I don't think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the"wrong kind of person" for me to marry. I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people’s religious beliefs over others. Especially if it denies people’s civil rights.
I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard's and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness, and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That's what Loving, and loving, are all about.

I found two more articles about the life of Mildred Loving. On BlackProf.com, Kevin Maillard wrote about the case Loving v. Virginia and the effect, or non effect, depending on how you perceive the advances in our society.

In Pigments of the Imagination, they published a wonderful and thorough essay on the influence Mrs. Loving had over a little girls life called "The Family Tree".

Feeling slightly giddy

2008-05-07T11:13:00.003-04:00

I am feeling slightly giddy today. This is an unusual state for me to be in since I tend to see the glass as half empty. But today? Today the sun is out my friends.
I received the weekly update on Monday from our adoption agency. Every week they send out an update on how many referrals for the month, how many people travelling to pick up how many children etc.
This is so unusual: there were THREE infant referrals in the past month alone! Yippee! One of the families waited 17 months, while the third family only waited 15 months. This is very exciting news. June will be 15 months for us.
So, I'm excited and freaking out a little. Don't we need to get our shots? Should I have started the breastfeeding protocol already? I need a pump, and a car seat, bottles (I've never used bottles, Kiana always breastfed and then had a sippy cup) and a Ergo sling thing. We got a great crib off of craigslist, but still have not put it together (even though I hope to co-sleep/family bed). Any expert tips on what I should be doing right now?!
My biggest concern currently is funding our travel. Fred and I really feel if the three of us can not go together than we should ask to have our son escorted. If we cant do it as a family, it just doesn't feel right. From what I have heard it will be about $6000.00 for the plane tickets , staying at the care center, in country donation etc. So today I am calling some people I know to see if we can very inexpensively rent some space for a small fund raiser/silent auction/raffle type thing. I have many new-ish items I have saved for this, and have had quite a few offers of singing, or reading poetry to entertain. All this time I have been complaining about the wait, and I suddenly find myself scrambling to get things done. Did I mention I have always had poor time management skills?

High Fives

2008-05-02T11:22:00.012-04:00

My brothers made it to the other side. Struggling, working hard, persevering. You made it Big Little Brother!!! I'm just so proud :)

Colin's novia muy maravilloso Laura is graduating as well. Bravo- you are officially a graduate!
Colin and Laura finish up this May 17th, 2008. Check this out:

After graduating from Waldorf High School, Colin White deferred his admission to Roger Williams University and continued his passion for basketball as the assistant coach for the boys basketball team at Waldorf High School. He soon found that teaching the skills was totally different than playing. "The most challenging part of coaching was not being able to get in the game and play," Colin reflects. He also painted his family's house and did his first stint as chaperone on the tenth grade canoe trip at Waldorf High.
In the fall semester of 2003, Colin enrolled at Roger Williams University in Rhode Island where he decided to study engineering because of his interest in how things work. His chosen discipline is civil engineering and he expects to receive his Bachelor of Science degree this May. Throughout college, Colin has been a Resident Assistant in the student dormitories, worked as a stage crew member and been involved in intramural basketball. He began as a referee, and for the past three years, in addition to playing on a team, he has been the supervisor of the recreational intramural basketball department which has grown from about 15 to 30 teams. For several summers, Colin did maintenance and remodeling work on the Lexington Elementary Waldorf School, including designing and laying the brickwork around the 703 Mass. Ave. building, under the supervision of Building Manager, Paul Menz. Last summer, Colin interned at Capaccio Environmental Engineering Inc. in Marlborough, Massachusetts doing research and field work regarding client compliance with regulations.
Currently, Colin is studying for the Fundamentals of Engineering (FE) exam and working on his senior project with a team of four other engineering majors. Funded by a federal grant received by Professor Leavitt of the Marine & Natural Science department at Roger Williams, Colin's group is responsible for evaluating and implementing an alternative energy source for the power to a FLUPSY (Floating Upweller System), which is essentially a dock modified for growing shellfish. With the current set-up, FLUPSY's must be in a marina so they can be hooked up to town power. Colin's team has determined that the current pump requires too much power to rely solely on wind or solar energy, and they have suggested improvements to the FLUPSY design so that a smaller pump that utilizes less power can be used. They have also researched how to add solar panels, as well as designing a battery bank and a back up system. Colin's team recently presented their design to the New England Association of Shell Fishermen in Providence, RI.
Upon graduating from Roger Williams in May, Colin's goal is to find a position as an Engineer In Training (EIT) in the civil field in the greater-Boston area. After four to five years of work, Colin will apply for his Professional Engineer (PE) License.

-Interviewed by Laura Wells, Class of 2000

Congratulations!

My sister Maeve's novio has recorded a few songs that he has been been working hard on. Maeve sings on the track "Never Quiet" and sounds excellent. Ive been bugging Manny to get me a version of his music I can allow Kiana to listen to :)

Above is a photo of Manny trying to look mean (you don't fool us) and my little sister. Besides making music, Manny is very talented at techie computer stuff. Maeve got on the honors list in her nursing program two semesters in a row! You go girl! Lets focus on the end goal for each of us together...

10 things, plus some more

2008-04-24T16:05:00.001-04:00

You thought I forgot about this post didn't you?

I have to admit I am having trouble with it. I feel like its a homework assignment I am avoiding. It wouldn't be so tough if I didn't feel there was a green monster over my shoulder, checking up on me. Is that an acceptable thing for an adoptive parent to say? to talk about? I go over my posts, deleting, changing. I'm worried someone will misinterpret something I write about, and suddenly I would be deemed an unsuitable parent.

So I will keep it tame.

1. I have had a love for animals and a companion connection to them since before I can remember. We have pictures of me cuddling with dogs and dressing up my cats in doll clothes. I would place my cats in the doll carriage instead of my dolls. If they tried to get out I would whack them on the head and tuck the blanket up around the little fluffy selves. When I was around seven I took a riding lesson with a group of other children. I had a rather ornery old welsh pony who decided to stop and roll over. With me on the back. As he laid down I managed to get my leg out in time to roll the other way. Amazing I still love horses, but I haven't ridden in a really long time.

2. I attended four different schools between first and twelfth grade (education is extremely important in my family). I loved reading as it allowed me to adventure into the worlds of the writers. Surprisingly I was a very social student, far more interested in friends than school work. I met one of my best friends, Illona, in fifth grade. She lives in San Francisco now with her gorgeous family, but I still consider her one of the closest friends Ive ever had. I consider myself very lucky that I still know friends from my different stages in life.

3. I am the second born of four. My older sister has four years on me, and has always been a very motivated and driven person. I wore the black sheep's clothing with full strength and gave my parents a run for their money. My younger two siblings were easy after corralling me through adolescence. In seventh grade I surprised my mother by shaving off the hair on the back of my head in a sort of upside down V shape. I thought it would look better since I had also dyed it a dark shade of maroon.

4. I have always struggled with self image and the way I feel about my weight and my body. I'm not brave enough to go into the deep rooted feelings this may or may not be caught up in, but I do recommend reading Jess's post on her blog. She's far braver than me when it comes to expressing honesty concerning body image and weight. In high school I grew to embrace my hourglass curves, but after going through a pregnancy my body never seemed to want to revert back. I have since failed to discipline myself into any sort of physical routine.

5. One of my chores growing up was mowing the lawn. Unfortunately when grass is fairly long its hard to see exactly what you are mowing. I often ran over little frogs and toads hanging out in the grass. To this day I am petrified of frogs and toads and anything in that froggy family. I can deal with snakes, spiders and mice before I can stand to be around a frog. Its really ridiculous and non sensible, but I cant help it.

6. I met my husband for the first time when I was fifteen and hitch hiking between two Berkshire towns on a long stretch of road called route 7. He changed the direction of his travels that night and gave my friend and I a ride to her house. My fearless self gave him my phone number, and the rest is (lots) of history ;)

7. My fantasy job is a race car driver. Preferably dragsters and old muscle cars. Maybe a 1969 Boss 302 Mustang?

Those fantasies were a bit dashed when I received a $250 speeding ticket I had to pay myself as a junior in high school. I had many summer and weekend jobs throughout the years. Babysitting, busing tables, movie popcorn vendor, receptionist at a hair salon and store clerk to name a few.

8. Two events sparked my interest in politics. In high school I volunteered at Columbia County Youth Project. We went to the state house to lobby for more New York State AIDS funding for communities. That was an empowering experience. That same year I won a public speaking scholarship based on my speech concerning the importance and relevance of voting.

9. A few weeks before senior graduation I was going to get a friend of mine so we could both get to our jobs at "Brooks Pharmacy" on time. There was a pretty regular crew of four of us who ran together. As I came upon her in the hallway her boyfriend had an empty tennis racket around her neck attempting to drag her. I interfered and ended up pressing assault and battery charges against her boyfriend when he decided to make me the target instead. I went back and forth from college in Boston three times to get him convicted so he would have it on his record. My longtime friend showed up in court to support her boyfriend. A few years later I heard he ended up in jail, and I hope I helped put him there.

10. I wanted to attend a public college in Albany, NY but my parents and school advisor persuaded me to go to Boston instead. As soon as I enrolled at Wheelock I declared my social work major. My favorite work program was at "The Margaret Fuller House" in Cambridge, MA. I was especially drawn to the Caribbean community I worked with and have many fond memories.

11. I met Kiana's father Donald at an engineers party at Wentworth Institute, just a few blocks from Wheelock. Who knew just two years later Kiana would show up?!

12. My first own apartment was a high rise across the street from Boston City Hospital. For some reason everyone mistook me for being Hispanic, which actually helped me when I attended Boston Institute of Language (unfortunately my work only paid for one course of Spanish which just wasn't enough for me). Living on the eleventh floor was fine, except when the elevators were broken. Imagine being seven months pregnant and climbing all those stairs- not fun. Strangely enough we actually got used to the medical helicopters flying past our window, but I decided the studio apartment was just too cramped to add a baby to.

13. My dad came to help us move to our new apartment at the end of my ninth month of pregnancy. Not surprisingly I wasn't much help. We were still living out of boxes when Kiana arrived ten days late. She and I were actually born in the same hospital; Beth Israel. For me it was important to do the whole natural thing and I had to refuse, several times, an epidural. I think the nurses would have just preferred I dope out and shut the heck up. Luckily my mom had come around by then and was there to help deliver Kiana (my mom was a midwife). I remember asking my mom and the other midwife, "...is it a boy or a girl?" and the other midwife says, "its a boy" and my mom says "no its not, its a girl!" I said, "well what is it?!?" funny. Can you imagine getting that wrong? She apologized but the moment sticks out in my brain. The first few weeks of Kiana's life were spent sleeping in the day and being awake all night. I felt sure it was karma.

14. I am really grateful for having the experience of living in Hyde Park. I loved the community and surrounding neighbors. Being one of the few white girls in our section meant that everyone knew who I was and knew Kiana. She learned to crawl, walk and bike ride in that home. I got to experience just a sliver of what Kiana lives everyday.

15. I am allergic to most tropical fruits, especially pineapple. Its the high concentration of acidity that makes the insides of my mouth and back of my throat get bumps and sores. Its very unpleasant and such a big bummer. Occasionally I sneak fresh pineapple or red grapefruit, but as soon as my mouth starts feeling scratchy I regret it. I rinse my mouth out with hot salt water repeatedly (I'm not sure it really helps) and swear not to indulge ever again. Until the next time :)

16. I love New England. The only other area I would consider living in would be Canada (any part that has equalized health care). Actually I have only been to eleven states within the US and out of the country once. On my honeymoon. We didn't plan on taking a honeymoon due to financial constraints, but through wedding guests they gifted us the opportunity to have one. We were going to rent a "honeymoon cabin" in Georgia for four nights, but somehow or another we allowed ourselves to be talked into a trip out of the country. Neither one of us had ever been out of the country, and Fred had never been on a plane. Everyone knew we were planning on adopting, and convinced us it would be our last chance at a big trip. At first we tried Ireland, but didn't have enough money. Then I saw that the hotel chain I worked for had a "sunspree resort" in the Bahamas. The employee rate made the hotel very cheap if we agreed to stay ten nights (no package deal). We had a momentary lapse in judgement and were off to Paradise Island. Lets put it this way, not even four months after we returned this resort lost its flag (which means it was kicked out of our chain for non compliance with standards). We had to come home early after just five days because even a bottle of water cost $4.25. Besides all the garbage washing up on the sandy shore, I absolutely could not stomach children begging for food while people gambled away thousands of dollars at the glistening Atlantis Resort. The glaring disparity was just too emotionally disturbing to me.

17. When Fred and I first moved in together he had a Harley Davidson bike. I love, love motorcycles. We would spend all day riding the beautiful country side. But the bike became very impractical with children and Fred finally broke down and sold it (did I mention that Fred also sold his truck to buy me an engagement ring?). It was all very sacrificial and fatherly on his part. We decided when the children are all grown up we will both get bikes and view the country from the road. That is if we have any money left over....

18. I have been plagued with head aches my whole life. Since fifth grade when my mother would send me to school with extra apples because she thought low blood sugar was the problem. I have been tested and screened and evaluated and guinea-pigged. But no one knows why. So I have a few different migraine medications that occasionally work, and things I try to do to minimize their occurrences. Lots of hugs from Kiana help me feel better.

19. I am far more organized at work than I could ever hope to be home. What does that say about me? The worst thing about my job is having to cut hours, or worse- having to fire someone. It really, really stinks.

20. I am very grateful and fortunate to live the life I lead. I feel my life experiences have shaped and molded my perceptions of the world, my views. Never in a million years would I have believed I am going to travel to Ethiopia. That I am going to be given the gift of family, of parenting a precious little person. Having my daughter develop into such an amazing young lady, and having the chance to raise a son, is beyond my wildest dreams. I love being a mom, in whatever capacity that is.

Not even ten years ago I was waiting in the food stamp office with other mothers and children. We were all striving to provide the best possible necessities for our children, our families. It is what I still hope for, what I still work towards. I was offered a hand during the rough patches and I have come out on top, reaching down to help the next outstretched hand.

I got a little carried away, this is ten more than the first ten, but I didn't want to name the post twenty things. So its ten, and then some. I added a bunch of photos to keep you interested.

Wonderful Wangari Maathai

2008-04-12T08:02:00.006-04:00

I borrowed this posting from the wonderful Mia Farrow's site. If you are trying to keep up with the news about the Olympics in China you must visit her site on a daily basis, it is incredibly thorough and she works relentlessly on behalf of others.

My daughters teacher did a play with the class a few years ago about Wangari Maathai and ever since then I keep my eye out for more news from her. I find everything about her inspiring.

Nobel laureate Maathai withdraws from Olympic torch relay

NAIROBI (AFP) --

Kenya's Nobel Peace laureate Wangari Maathai told AFP Thursday she had pulled out from the Olympic torch relay in which she was due to take part over the weekend in Tanzania, citing concerns for worldwide human rights."Yes, I have pulled out," Maathai told AFP by telephone from the Tanzanian commercial capital Dar es Salaam."I have decided to show solidarity with other people on the issues of human rights in Sudan's Darfur region, Tibet and Burma."The torch is scheduled to arrive in Tanzania -- its only stop in Africa -- on Sunday ahead of the August 8-24 Olympic Games in China, which Beijing hopes will be a showpiece for the vast Asian nation.The torch's relay has been dogged by protests in London and Paris, and in San Francisco where on Wednesday a massive police presence and sudden route change made the torch all but invisible to the public.The torch on Thursday headed to Buenos Aires, capital of Argentina, where pro-Tibet supporters have vowed "surprise actions" but no major disruption.Maathai, who won the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize for her tree-planting and pro-democracy campaigns, said China was well placed to pressure for the respect of human right respect in the three troubled countries."China has tried to address these issues of human rights. But these issues, especially the situation in Tibet, seem to be escalating even though the Dalai Lama has offered to talk," she said. China has flatly refused to dialogue with Tibet's spiritual leader.Tibetan leaders in exile say the recent crackdown in the Himalayan region has left more than 150 people dead but China has denied those claims. Beijing, which is facing international outrage, has blamed Tibetan "rioters" and said they killed 20 people.

Good news from the Golden state

2008-04-09T21:49:00.006-04:00

Things are looking good! My favorite brother in law Shane has been working towards adopting his and his husbands two foster sons. My prospective nephews Omar (7) and Bryan (5) are just as cute as cute can be. Unfortunately their family lives way over in Los Angeles and we are here in the Berkshires so we haven't had the opportunity to meet them. I am thrilled none the less. Shane has been with Johnny over ten years and three years ago had a small wedding ceremony at his mothers house in Massachusetts. We had many conversations about foster care; covering all the angles, all the many aspects and challenges. It took a couple years to get all the classes and background checks etc. completed, but when they met the boys things started to fall into place. They recently had a court date and the judge moved forward on terminating their birth mothers parental rights after five years of Omar and Bryan being in the system. I can't go into their personal stories, but I am just so happy these little guys are being given the opportunity to grow up in a loving, caring and stable home environment. I hope, I hope, I hope we can all adopt in the same year!

¡felicitaciones! ¡le amamos y le faltamos!

What the ?!@?*%

2008-04-09T19:06:00.006-04:00

I got it, lesson learned. Do not mess around in blogger draft unless you really know what your doing. Or you know how to fix what your doing. Or you even have a clue.

Blue collar adoption has been one big error message since last Thursday. I was playing around with the layout, rearranging, adding and deleting. I successfully added my newest favorite site GoodReads.
*****On there, I added every book I could think of, and every time I come across a book I want to read, I just add it to my list, I love it. If you are a member on goodreads, please connect with me. I have tried to add a bunch of the parenting and adoption books I have read or intend to read.******
Anyway, I then went on to add a search engine for my blog. I thought that would be fun, and it worked-easy! Now I was getting a little full of myself, a little cocky. I had added search in blogger-draft without thinking it was a big deal, why not add a blog roll too? Then I could see all the blogs I like to read, and it would scroll according to whomever has added to their blog most recently. So I add the blogs onto the blog roll, delete my old link list and hit save. Tadaaa!!!
Huge big error message.
What?! Hit back- nothing- just the error message. OK, off to the help group. It says just copy down the error message, ask your question in the help group and that's it. Easy cheesy. Lets just say I have been doing that over and over since last Thursday. Finally today my good techie friend Ken came to my rescue and advised on deleting the html string that was causing all the ridiculous frustration.
So, if you happened to notice I was MIA, thats where I was, frantically typing in error code bX-9sravb over and over. Ken is going to try and help me fix the left hand column of the blog and make it wider, not everything seems to fit in there anymore and I know I lost a couple widgets. I was reading this helpfull blog for tech dummies like me, but I am just too cautious now to try anything. I also have another background photo (instead of brown granny flowers) I would like to use if anyone knows how to do that. I am super scared to mess with anything else on my own. I had even downloaded a copy of the blog to my hard drive before I started. When I went to retrieve it my computer declared it had no program to read the hard copy.
I swear this stuff makes my head swim.

p.s. If you happen to notice anything is missing from my left side bar, please let me know and I will add it back on. I tried to remember everything but I think I'm missing a few. Or perhaps you have a suggestion for me to add something?

Waldorf School in Sierra Leone, West Africa

2008-03-21T20:12:00.014-04:00

I know I have mentioned before that my mother is the administrator at a school in Belmont, Massachusetts. They have a really great connection to a sister school in Sierra Leone, West Africa. I am really proud of my mom for putting so much work into this project and everything that details. I think it is vitally important that children learn to recognize all of the advantages and opportunities they have, and how much power they wield when they choose to get involved. Imagine if one of these students in her school decides to travel to the school in Sierra Leone one day to volunteer. Or they raise enough money to help the school stay open and empower these children with an education. It is the beginning of so many opportunities for everyone involved.

Wouldn't it be awesome to facilitate an adoption with an orphan from the village the school is in? To somehow combine a volunteering trip at the school with an adoption... Maybe one day?! You just never know.

Here is an update in this months news letter from the school (the school is very lucky to not only employ me mum but also my aunt is a teacher there).

News from Goderich
Donation from Waldorf High Provides Nourishing Lunches in March
When Waldorf's student council first proposed fundraising to provide lunches at our sister school in Goderich Waldorf School in Sierra Leone, West Africa, the hope was to raise enough money to provide one lunch of bread and butter per week for the whole school. According to Mrs. White, "Our fundraising in December was so successful that we were able to send $1,500 to Goderich. We've just gotten back the news of how they are putting the money to use, and it is inspiring."
Because Goderich teachers had been using their own money to pay for their students' medical needs, such as malaria medications, our student council requested that $500 be put into Goderich's medical fund. The rest of the gift was to be used for school lunches. Suzanne Lamb, the New York City Waldorf teacher who is spending the year at Goderich, recently sent word by email:
"The money arrived and, as you requested about $500 will go towards the medical fund. The remainder will pay for the March lunch program. We are able to serve the students proper meals of rice and fish and greens every day. They scrape the bowls clean. The children really are happy and attendance is high. Thank you and your students a million times."
Mrs. White also received a large brown envelope from West Africa, mailed to us from England. In it were several colorful drawings from students in Class Three (equivalent to third grade here), and a handwritten letter, bordered with flowing colors of purple and green, addressed to "The Massachusetts Waldorf School, in U. S. A."
Dear Friends,
It is a pleasure for the College of Teachers and pupils of the Goderich Waldorf School in thanking you very much for the feeding program.
We are very much grateful for this kind gesture. This will ever remain in our minds. The parents, caregivers and the community people also expressed gratitude towards this fruitful initiative. We hope this scheme will continue.
We once again say thanks.
Lots of love,College of Teachers,Goderich Waldorf School
For more information, you may visit Goderich Waldorf School. Suzanne Lamb has a blog about her experiences which may be accessed at goderichjournal.blogspot.com.

Here is information about some amazing beginnings in Ethiopia. I have been wondering if there was any way for me to coordinate a visit here when we go. I'm going to look into that.

The first Waldorf kindergarten in Ethiopia is finally being realized! It is intended to restore hope and help to overcome the horrible consequences of napalm bombing during the war. Through the initiative of Dr. Atasbaha Gebre-Selassie and Dorothea Roenpage, A German Waldorf educator who lived in Ethiopia for many years, a newly built kindergarten, Hiwotay Merebet, (“protected home”) with two Ethiopian kindergarten teachers, opened on the 1st of October 2006. They are waiting for care and help from experienced Waldorf pedagogues from Germany. An early childhood/kindergarten training program is developing at the same time, built up and supported by Ethiopians and a team of project leaders from Germany.
The kindergarten built to have six groups and to give the children affected from war a home. The initiative group is concerned to bring the background and possibilities of Waldorf education in line with living impulses in the Ethiopian culture.
This building initiative is led and very much supported by Dr. Atsbaha G. Selassie. Attention is being paid that during the construction of the kindergarten, an organic garden with vegetables and herbs is being developed, to serve as prophylaxis and support to healing of diseases and to offer a new perspective of the work of mothers.
Project leaders are Judith Dausend, Dorothea Roenpage, and Angelika Wagner, Germany. E-mail: wagnermail@gmx.de

And how adorable are these children from Cape Town? I never cease to be amazed at people's humanity. Reaching across the world to assist people they do not know, but want to love and support anyway. So excellent!

"The important thing is to strive towards a goal which is not immediately visible. That goal is not the concern of the mind, but of the spirit."

~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, "Flight to Arras"

By the way, I was recently "tagged" by a fellow waiting-to-get-a-referral-for-children-from-Ethiopia-mom named Katy- some hot shot lawyer chick from outside Boston :) Apparently I am told that being "tagged" in blogesphere world means telling ten random things about yourself. Ten things that other people will find interesting, but will not make them run away. I am racking my brain trying to figure out any little tid bits that qualify as self- descriptive, but that the African-adoption-blogs-mediator-person-that-I-worry-about will not have a problem with. Hold on- I'm thinking, I'm thinking....

Just a reminder

2008-03-14T23:31:00.008-04:00

I spent way too much time at the library today. I went to return a few books and audio books and to plead for an extension on a book I am trying desperately to locate. Kiana needed to do an autobiography report of a famous woman in history. She chose Wilma Rudolph, the first African American woman to win three gold medals in the Olympics in track and field. We took out two books, this one:

and a longer and more thorough autobiography. That's the one I cant find. Both books were good, but the picture book by Kathleen Krull was great, and a good addition to your own library- very inspiring.
The other children's book I wanted to recommend is called "Thunder Rose" by Jerdine Nolen and Illustrated by Kadir Nelson. We bought this book a few years ago and absolutely fell in love with the pictures and the over all spirit of the book. Besides which illustrator Kadir Nelson is beyond amazing. I write about him tonight because he was also recommended by someone from our agency's office in the monthly bulletin, and it reminded me how much I have loved every single thing he has done. Check out his web site, you will become enchanted, I promise.

After I picked up Kiana from school today we went over to Berkshire Pulse dance studio in Housatonic to observe their hip hop class. We sat and watched for about ten minutes. Kiana said, I know this song, and then, I know this song too! Finally I said, just go and join in already. She grinned a little and then got up and danced with them. They had a young teacher named Lisa that seemed very energetic and enthusiastic. Kiana got right into it. The artistic director even offered to help with getting her there on Fridays after school. I'm really hoping Kiana enjoys it, she said she would like to try it. Fred is worried about the financial commitment right now, but I think its well worth it.
While I was waiting for the class to end I over heard a conversation between two woman that hadn't seen each other in a while. It went something like this:

Oh hi so and so- I haven't seen you in so long- how are you? whats new?
Well, actually the newest event for us is that we are adopting a little girl!
Really?I just supported a friend recently while they adopted. Where did you adopt from?
From the department of social services in P--------.
Wow! I know how hard adopting from foster care can be...
Actually, it was really easy. She was our first placement and after six weeks they asked us if we were interested in adopting her! We are in the process now and she is seven months old.

While we were on our way out to the car I peeked in her car and saw the baby sleeping in her car seat, she was absolutely gorgeous and I was totally jealous. All I could think of is how we waited three years for a placement with the state of Connecticut. How do events such as this happen? Its so frustrating.
I was feeling this frustration after I got home. I had dropped Kiana off at her friends house for a sleep over and was feeling rather bummed out. I logged on to check my e mail and saw the monthly bulletin from our agency Wide Horizons for Children. I am so glad I did. I wish I could post their exact articles of interest, but they ask us not to. So I will just to tell you that they were very up lifting. They spoke about the incredible amount of humanitarian work the agency is doing, here's a quote:
More than 12% of children in Ethiopia are orphaned (an orphan is defined by UNICEF as a child who has lost one or both parents), many from HIV/AIDS, and the number is only increasing. Ethiopia ranks 19 the worst globally for under-five mortality with a rate of 164 (this means that 164 children die for every live 1,000 births). Only 31% of children are enrolled in primary school, and less than half have received the immunizations (shots) needed to prevent childhood illnesses that are rarely seen in the developed world. More than 80% of Ethiopians live on less than $2 per day. To address these concerns, we are partnering with local governments in the Northern Tigray region and the Southern Nations Nationalities and People’s (SNNPR) region to focus on the key areas of family preservation, child sponsorship, community development, health, and education. Since 2003, these integrated efforts have brought about positive change. For example, results from a house-to-house survey showed that 100% of primary school-aged children were attending school. These results came after we expanded the St Mary of Tsion School to allow room for more children to attend. Nationally, only 34% of children complete primary school.
I felt very encouraged reading about this, it cements my decision to adopt with this agency. It is very important to me that our agency is not only working to find homes for children in need, but also to assist communities in becoming self sustainable and healthy so they can work towards keeping their families intact (there is much more information about the work they are doing in Ethiopia on their web site).
The bulletin spoke about the ability to continue to offer adoptive parents the opportunity to meet your child's birth family and how important creating that connection is. For a child that is adopted, any information about the very beginnings of their life are vitally important.

I found this information interesting: US adoptions from Ethiopia have increased dramatically over the past two years, from 732 placements in 2006, to an estimated 1,500 or more in 2007. Accordingly, the number of US adoption agencies working in Ethiopia has also dramatically increased to 25, up from 4 in 2005.
It touched my heart to read about the recent celebration the agency had for referring their 500th Ethiopian child to the US. The accounts of the nurturing nannies and the entirety of the team that is needed to make each and every adoption work was uplifting. I truly can not wait to have the experience of meeting all of the incredible people working in Addis Ababa. Reading this information right now is a huge reminder of our reasons to adopt from Ethiopia.

(By the way, have you noticed how many children being adopted from Ethiopia are being named some variation of Addis Ababa, the capitol? Like Addison, Addy or Addis? And what is with putting up a poll on your blog asking complete strangers what they think you should name your child? Don't you have to actually see your child before you can name them? I digress...).

The bulletin included some fantastic links this month. One was for the photography of David DuChemin. I was blown away by the vibrancy in his photographs, and especially found myself gazing deeply into the eyes of the first girl in the Ethiopian series, her yellow scarf like a halo draped against her face.

This movie looks fascinating: “A Walk to Beautiful follows five astonishing Ethiopian women and girls, shunned and rendered "untouchable" because of a devastating childbirth injury they have suffered, as they embark on a journey to reclaim their lives. Variety reviewed the film and called it "up-beat and life-affirming." The New York Times said A Walk to Beautiful is
"complex and quietly devastating."” www.walktobeautiful.com
Who doesn't need to watch a life affirming movie?
The update had a short piece by Vicky Peterson that I really wanted to share with you. I am hoping that's OK...

CLEAN SHEETS
by Vicky Peterson
A barefoot boy walked out of a hut and cautiously watched us. Another child stood inside and stared as we made our way down the dirt pathway that separated a long line of shacks. Their dark skinned faces were somber. Clotheslines ran from one hovel to another. A torn Adidas tee shirt hung in the mid day sun along side a faded Yankees baseball shirt and tattered gray shorts. Two thin mongrel dogs slept by the side of a wash basin and nearby some scrawny chickens were squawking from a metal cage. The side of my foot was rubbed raw by new blue sandals I bought at home before leaving. In the store they looked appealing - now they seemed vulgar. Children came out as we passed by. Others peered out from the darkness of their thatched shacks. Somehow, they seemed to sense that strangers were nearby. Moulat led us as we turned off onto a worn pathway. He called ahead. A young girl came out of her hut, a baby tied to her back by a filmy white traditional shawl. Her eyes looked down. He said something to her in Amharic and she responded in a whisper. He translated for us, explaining that both parents died earlier in the year and now this child was raising her younger sister and baby brother. We walked into the darkened hut. In the corner a little girl was sitting on her haunches stirring a pot over a flame. She looked to be about 5 or 6. Taped to the brown mud wall was a yellowed magazine cover of a blond movie star and her smiling boyfriend. A large metal cross hung nearby, and two old wooden crates sat on the floor.
I asked where they slept. Moulat pointed down at the dirt floor. My throat now dry, I wanted to disappear. I recalled when my five year old daughter, Jo, said she wanted “pink princess sheets” for her birthday. As I stared down at the ground, I pictured Jo sleeping in her bed at home enveloped by her sheets and fluffy pink pillows. As I reached into my bag for money, he stopped me. “No,” he said. “You cannot give her anything. Other children will take it from her. There is not enough money for all the children in the village. They all have ‘died’ parents.” We
walked out of the hut and with the back of my hand I wiped away wetness around my eyes.
Tonight I would take a long hot shower, soak my feet in the tub and sleep on clean sheets in my air conditioned hotel room.

Vicki Peterson is WHFC’s Executive Director of External Affairs. Vicki has been with Wide Horizons since 1979, first working as a clinical social worker and from 1989 to 2006 as Executive Director. Ms. Peterson received her MSW degree in 1969 and for the past three decades has devoted her professional life to child welfare.
Boy that made me tear right up, so emotional. It is stories like this that serve to remind us of our priorities. There is something bigger in store for us. An earth shattering moment of clarity awaits me down this spirit-testing path. Maybe things haven't been "easy" for us as we have tried to grow our family, but they certainly haven't been impossible. Maybe we just needed our convictions tested, strengthened.

"Long after a deed is done, the trace or momentum of the intention left behind it remains as a seed, conditioning our future happiness or unhappiness."

-Gil Fronsdal

There seem to be quite a few glitches in blogger. I often find myself wishing I had created the blog on wordpress. Never the less I finally found the help site for blogger. At least now I can check and see if other people are experiencing the same problems as I am.

Finally I wanted to mention my huge appreciation for a fantastic lady named Mary Campbell-Case. Mary and her husband David have been so kind to us ever since Kiana and their son Ethan entered into the same class together in first grade. They always offer to have Kiana over if I have to work late suddenly, or go to work extra early. They allow Kiana to feel right at home in their beautiful house and are always so gracious, considerate and understanding. For example not long ago I sent a thank you card to them for something or another. Although incredibly busy, both of them found time separately in different conversations, to thank me for the thank you card. Who does that? I thought that was so nice. Anyway, Mary has a monthly woman's group meeting that I always try to attend. She just set up a web site so more woman could gain information and get involved. It is called Claiming Our Voices, and I quote:

"Claiming Our Voices encourages women of all ages to
hear, trust and nurture their own authentic wisdom and to
inspire one another to speak more powerfully and creatively in the world."

Mary writes beautifully and has a way of expressing herself in a calm and reassuring manner that isn't preachy or pushy. I am usually far too shy to go to events like group meetings. But after I had attended a few of the monthly sessions I became more comfortable being there and sharing a little bit about myself. What I really like about the group is that it is inter generational so there are many different perspectives on all subjects.

I want to end with another quote from Mary's decorative and all encompassing writing. Visit her web site and offer your support.

(written in Autumn)

"We’re in the midst of my favorite time of year.
All around reds and golds and corals decorate our days. Driving anywhere I
suddenly find myself gasping in awe at the brilliance of a tree’s bright flash
of color that just yesterday was some unremarkable part of the general green
that’s blanketed our hills for months. And that green caused the same
exclamation last spring when it so suddenly burst into my awareness. Then, it
was the sun drawing life from within the tiny unfurling miracle, chlorophyl’s
celebration. And now, after their darkening, thickening trek through summer,
mature leaves find their crowning beauty in the golden glow emanating from
within. They’ve soaked up so much of summer’s sunlight that they can’t help but
return it again to the Earth. Fullness, then release.
Change is everywhere, at every moment. We welcome in the new, and at the same time, say goodbye to what’s come before. Just as the growing things around us, we’re also in a constant state of change, always building up or releasing. Expanding or
contracting. Like the leaves releasing their green this month, we too bid
farewell to what no longer serves us, making space for what’s to
come."

-Mary Campbell-Case, Claiming Our Voices

Hurry up and stand still

2008-03-07T12:37:00.012-05:00

It isn't so much the wait, its the lack of control over the wait. At first I said this waiting was like a pregnancy. Ten months expected wait time. But now I just have no idea what to expect, I am being forced to give up all expectations of control. I am convinced this will give me strength in character- or something like that.
Did you notice the baby time counter at the top? I was so shocked to see it back to the beginning the other day when I logged on. I don't know what I expected, that the little baby would just keep moving forward off the tiny counter behind the next unseen cloud... but to have it all the way back to the beginning? Its over a year now, I had convinced myself he would be home in time for my birthday at the end of this month. Then I thought for sure by May Day. Now I am hoping he joins us by September.
Ive taken a step back from the blogesphere these past couple of weeks. It became too difficult to read other blogs. Ive decided not to listen to the weekly call in sessions with WHFC until we get closer to referral time. I read the blogs of other WHFC waiters or parenting challenges of mothers with children home.
I have said this many times before but I consistently remind myself: the beginning of our sons life will be painfully difficult and emotionally distressing. My frustration with waiting to meet him is nothing compared to the trauma surrounding his arrival on earth. My own needs and wants pale in comparison to anything I can imagine his birth mother to be experiencing. Whether it be poverty, sickness or an accidental pregnancy- the arrival of our son has created turmoil or fear or desperation or all of the above. I do not have a fantasy about saving anyone, I only want to be the safety net grabbed as a last option of survival.

I don't believe anything was meant to be, and it irritates me a little when people suggest when a referral happens you will feel like it was meant to be. In 2003 when we had our two foster children I certainly felt like it was meant to be. The connection with our foster son was especially strong and idyllic. However I remember clearly the moment I recognized I needed to reexamine exactly what that phrase meant to me. I had driven 45 minutes with the two kids for their bi monthly, hourly, chaperoned birth mother visit. Our timing was off - I somehow found myself face to face with her in the parking lot and was overcome with confusion. Was this how I was supposed to feel? What exactly is my role here, my position? Was this awkwardness, this emotionally charged moment in time supposed to happen? Did she think this was how it was meant to be?
I do not buy that we are blindly walking forward on a preplanned road. I firmly believe we have to take each moment, each experience and learn from it all that we can. It is easier to look back upon a situation and rationalize that it all happened exactly as it should have, than to own our own role in it. How did I react to what was happening? What was my emotional state, my attitude? Was I open minded, or did I force my own vision of the events? I want to look back upon this time of waiting as a necessary stretch to become prepared. I don't just mean with paper work and visas and such. I mean within ourselves, to be truly open hearted to what ever experience we choose to embrace. As optimistically as humanly possible.

2 blog or not 2 blog

2008-02-18T21:11:00.008-05:00

I have sat down to blog a few times over the past couple weeks. I even wrote things, saved them for later, and then ended up deleting them. Where is my creative energy? Where is my desire to write? The truth is blogging is a strange thing. I finally get why people make their blogs anonymous (although I don't understand posting photos if it is supposed to be anonymous). After the "blogging, fundraising" scare a couple of weeks ago I hesitate to write about anything that I find important and interesting. I suppose I could tell you what time it is in Ethiopia, or the recipe for something, but that wouldn't be representing me in any way. I am always late and I have no talent for cooking.
There are so many things I hesitate to post about now. Of course work and nitty gritty marriage stuff is off limits. But now I question other topics as well. I guess Im just frustrated. I allowed myself to feel ostracised online by those that feel superior. I have had to shift gears, and yet I do not want to feel somehow inauthentic.

Fred attended The World of Concrete trade show in Las Vegas last month. It was the first trip in ten + years his boss has ever offered to take the crew of four on, and Fred's first trip to Nevada. He was there for three nights and almost four days looking at cement trucks and watching brick laying competitions (unfortunately he wasn't able to see his brother Shane who is in LA). When he came home we thought he just had jet lag, but it ended up being the flu. Fred spent the next week being really super sick. And nothing is worse than a sick husband- I will take a sick child over a sick husband any day! When Fred returned to work he was surprised to find out that they were not paid for the duration of the excursion to Las Vegas- the work related trip (is that even legal?) so he ended up using all his sick time for the days when he was actually sick and the days he was on the West Coast. Gotta love it right?

For good news: our land lord agreed to re cover the upper floor and the stairs in the house. We will have pergo type laminate in the living room/family room and new blue-gray rug on the stairs and in the two kids rooms. Believe me anything is a great improvement over the old wall to wall rug that was there. So last weekend we spent tearing up old rug and removing tons of staples and nails. Then we had to sweep and vacuum what was left from underneath the nasty rug. Only the big pieces of furniture are left, we brought all the small stuff downstairs and out of the way. Fred did most of the hard/heavy work, although I did end up having to clean the bathrooms- which is really just as bad...

Everything is all plywood now and you wouldn't believe how much walking across the floor echoes. The dogs are not happy about their sudden loss of traction.

************************************************************
This week is February break for most of the children in grades 1-12. For me it means work is insane, people travelling with their families to the local ski mountains. There are two popular weeks for this crowd, the one between Christmas and New years, and this break starting with Presidents Day. Most of the hotels guests are from Long Island or Connecticut's shore line towns. These weeks stress the whole staff out, and I always feel particularly bad for the housekeepers. Today was so crazy, each housekeeper easily had thirty beds to make (and I know Ive talked about how many people don't tip the housekeepers- its just so awful). Children were running up and down the hallways, the jacuzzi 's heater was all messed up and not working correctly. Check in time is at 3pm and guests started showing up at 10:30am! Come on people- give us a chance to get the hotel ready for you! Since I'm on a rant here let me give you a suggestion to consider. If you are calling to make a reservation, please remember that you will need to have a credit card handy (actually I really do mind waiting while you find your purse). Then, when you are reading this credit card number to me, please remember that I take about 100 credit card numbers a day, and I am really quite good at it by this time. So you can actually read these numbers three or even four at a time and I will be able to keep up. When you read your credit card number to me one digit at a time, it makes me want to reach through the phone and strangle you. Oh yes, one more thing- please do not chew in my ear or ask me to hold while your sister beeps in. You called me for a reservation, and I have three other lines ringing.
One of the reasons I get paid the big bucks as manager is to deal with irate customers. The other day I had a guest who was upset because he had been charged a "no show". This is when you book a room, hold it with your credit card, and then not show up. Maybe you forgot you had this reservation, maybe someone died, I don't know. But we held the room for you, and you never arrived, so you get charged for one night plus tax. Well this guest swore he cancelled the reservation but his cancellation number was at his other house- on the other side of the country. I suggested that when he find his cancellation number he call me and I can refund him his money. He felt I should refund it regardless. This went on for a minute until he started repeating my name and enunciating it very snotty-like. It was actually creepy. Then he told me I should try acting with some humanity and just do the right thing, and when I wouldn't he started yelling into the phone and I hung up. Some people just feel so entitled to behave so ridiculously. In hospitality you definitely will catch more flies with honey.

By the way Blogger has arbitrarily decided that it will double space everything and not spell check anymore. What is up with that? How can I regain control over my html?

I am feeling very proud-mama-like today. Kiana did incredibly well academically in her last quarter at school, bringing up her math and her spelling. She received several "special recognition" awards for reading and art. She is doing very well in basketball, scoring three times in tonight's game (3 out of 6). Not everyone showed up (only five girls) and she ended up being in for the whole game- boy was she tired :) She stuck with it, even letting herself get a little aggressive with the rebounds. It was easily the best game of the year so far.

After having lots of conversations with Kiana, and her teachers, I decided to have Kiana go back to her old school. She really misses the arts (painting, woodworking, theatre, singing etc.), and her friends. She says she really feels like she can "be herself" at her old school, and not have to act any certain way. Its hard making these types of decisions for our kids, never knowing if we are doing the right thing or not. One thing I found telling was the way Kiana was choosing to dress. At her current school she has been wearing very baggy clothes. Baggy pink sports pants with a big sweatshirt and fleece, nothing form fitting or showy at all (this is fine by me as long as they are clean). She wears the same three or four outfits and always a big fleece over it. When she went to visit her old school last week she wore jeans and a fitted shirt with jacket. She even put earrings on and did up her hair. After school I asked her about this. At first she told me she didn't really notice that she was dressing differently. Then she said at her current school she doesn't want anyone to notice her, but at her old school she feels she can dress nicely and no one will make a big deal out of it. Hmmmmm, very interesting. I don't know, I'm going with my heart on this one- keep your fingers crossed.

One a parting note- I have discovered http://www.etsy.com/ This is a very cool site. Things made by people at home and then sold online! Sometimes a little pricey, but definitely worth it. I have already ordered a fool proof cat scratching, cat nip rug thingy to try to keep the cats claws off the new carpet when it arrives. And check out these super cute dolls! I already have a favorites list...

November 2006

2008-02-01T00:13:00.000-05:00

I logged on tonight to watch the season finale of Runs House but I got all weepy when they introduced the new baby that they adopted. I have baby on the brain syndrome. I started to wonder about all the what if's? but realized quickly that doesn't help anything.
I decided I could not read any more blogs about adoption. I logged onto Oprah's site and listened to Rabbi Shmuley's show. I especially enjoyed his show about honoring the feminine. Listen to it, its great. I like his apparent honesty, but I have only recently started listening so I don't know that much about him yet. His stark truthfulness does not seem very holy roller which I appreciate. So far, so good.
I was playing around with the lay out of the blog while I was listening. I started to think about 2006.
It started off with my best friend Lenea separating from her husband and moving in with us. She set up shop in the baby's room for a couple of months. We all discussed the many changes occuring in Africa- and for the first time truly considered an adoption from Ethiopia. I had thought about it before during a conversation with Linda. But it hadnt seemed a real possibility- it seemed too big to take on. I approached Fred and we explored the possibilities.
There was so much to look at and figure out.
Mean while our foster care license was still current. We had been licensed as foster parents since 2002. When Mrs. M called in May to set up a meeting I was thrilled to be getting a new social worker assigned. She was an older woman who had gone back to school after her children were out of the house. She went from being a nurse to a social worker. To top it off Connecticut had recently had their Department of Children and Families districts re-vamped, so she would be our own foster to adopt case worker.
She diligently updated our home study and reminded us to attend the monthly support meetings (which I loved anyway) and what classes we would have to take to keep our license up to date.

In Connecticut when you are licensed as a foster-to-adopt-only family you are technically only supposed to have your file pulled for such cases. For obvious reasons that's not always the case. We had a few calls from Mrs. M concerning different situations that I believe she ultimately knew didn't fit, but felt the need to ask anyway. I believe she just wanted us to know she was trying.
In July our file was pulled for a 4+1/2 little girl, but she was then placed with an out of state relative. In September I received a phone call at work from an emergency placement social worker concerning a one and a four year old sibling pair. When I asked why our social worker wasn't calling us, she started to explain the reason of the emergency (cigarette burns on four year old arms and back). We had a lengthy conversation and I felt the situation was more than we were equipped to handle.
Later that month we updated our home study to include HIV positive infants or/and a relatively healthy child age 0-4 years of age.
At the end of October Fred and I decided on the international adoption agency we wanted to use and I called and set up an appointment.
Not even 48 hours later I receive a phone call from Mrs. M. Our file was pulled for a newborn set of twin boys. My heart lurched but I tried not to get excited. What else did she know? Both boys were born pre maturely, one with health risks. The health risks were "unspecified". Birth mother has older children TPR'd (termination of parental rights decree). That was about it. If we were interested there would be a meeting the next week.The next week came and went with out much information except their names.
In the mean time we went to our visit at the private adoption agency. It was at that time we discovered that we would need to give up our license with the state as foster parents to be licensed with a private agency. The state would not allow concurrent licenses. We still had time to think.
In late November Mrs. M had a round table meeting concerning the twins. She had to travel to a totally different city and district over an hour away. The children's social worker was there, their health and legal advocate, and three social workers representing "their" families whose homestudy's had been pulled.Early in the evening on the last day of November Mrs. M called sounding completely defeated. The state couldn't locate the birth father and birth mother was not agreeing to a tpr. One of the boys had a serious health condition and the state was placing the boys in a medically fragile home. She was really sorry and was sure the right situation would come around eventually.
By the end of December we had decided to venture into international adoption.
I cried and I thanked Mrs. M tremendously. She attempted to change our minds but we were sure. We had fallen in love with Ethiopia, we were going to take a chance and try.
I really liked her- the decision was so hard to make.
That November was just too bitter sweet.

Just Press Mute

2008-01-25T10:15:00.000-05:00

A few things have happened simultaneously in my life. Perhaps not soul shattering issues, but definitely things that have a common thread.

I finished last weekend by reading a few books. I read two of Ken Foster's books: "Dogs Who Found Me." and "Dogs I Have Met: And the People They Found". Then Kiana and I went to the library in Sheffield and I read "Good Dog. Stay." by Anna Quindlen. My favorite quote from that book is this:

"Human being wind up having the relationship with dogs that they fool themselves they will have with other people. When we are very young, it is the perfect communion we honestly believe we will have with a lover; when we are older, it is the symbiosis we manage to fool ourselves we will always have with our children. Love unconditional, attention unwavering, companionship without question or criticism. I once saw a pillow that said I WOULD LIKE TO BE THE MAN MY DOG THINKS I AM. That about covers it."

Oh she is so, so right! If you are an animal lover- of dogs, or cats, or horses or whatever, you may totally understand. I know for myself I am far better at meeting stranger animals than stranger people.

Two other books we got from the library were absolutely beautiful books that I will not be buying for my own collection. Let me explain why. The first book, "Why War Is Never A Good Idea" by Alice Walker and Stefano Vitale illustrating.

This book is gorgeous. Vibrant colors and imaginative words. I understand the message, I think it is an important topic for children to understand, but I found the pictures towards the end of the book to be too hard to look at for a young children's book. Only two pages, but they are rough. Pictures of melted little green army men all bubbly and brown and putrid yellow along with the words, "war tastes terrible and smells bad..." The painting/sculpture thing on those pages definitely portrays clearly what she is writing about. I am glad we read it, but I don't want to keep it on my own shelves.

The next book was "Aida" (the opera) told by Leontyne Price and illustrated by Leo and Diane Dillon. Again, so spectacular. I especially wanted to rip the first picture and the last picture out of the book and frame them and hang them on the wall. But the book ends with the "Royal, Ethiopian Princess who was gentle as moonlight and as beautiful as the morning star..." committing suicide so she can rest in eternity with her lover. Not exactly the message I would want my children to absorb.

Now I am reading "The Almost Moon" by Alice Seabold because I loved her book "The Lovely Bones". I don't really like this book, but I insist on finishing it before I can start "Orphans Of The Living, Stories of Americas Children in Foster Care" by Jennifer Toth. I ordered it from the book mobile at the library and have been anticipating its arrival from Berkshire Community College. From the background I read it seems like one of those books I might have read for my social work degree back in the day. My mother thinks I read too many depressing books, but I really enjoy non fiction and autobiographical books. Don't worry though- I have read all of Alexander McCalls Smiths #1 Ladies Detective Agency books to keep my spirits up.

Now I know I am going to get comments like, how do find the time to read so much? Its because I don't watch TV- well hardly anyway. When Kiana is doing her homework I sit with her and read just in case she has any questions. When Fred is watching the weather for the twentieth time that day I read. When I'm waiting at the dental clinic for forever I read. I love reading, it allows me to create a cocoon that shuts everything else out and envelopes me in a ocean of words. As long as the book is not educational in nature (ie parenting) I can jump in and out of the story as I am needed. The books that require more quiet time I save until before bed or on a quiet, rainy afternoon when I can concentrate. We tried getting rid of the TV altogether, but my husband really missed the weather station and the truck repair shows. Kiana had animal planet withdrawal syndrome. I used to be absolutely addicted to Law and Order (every one) ER and Judging Amy. I would tape them on the VCR and watch them after the kids went to bed. But I just found I couldn't stay up that late anymore and function normally the next day. It would also drive me nuts when I missed an episode- so I quit cold turkey. No more ties to prime time drama.

Media is my next strand of thought.

The world of online communication and the access to darn near anything you want. Cant remember your old zip code? Check online. What movies are playing? Check online. Who did your boss donate money to in the last election? Check online. What do your grammar school friends look like now? Check online. Its all there if you know where to look. It is the era of immediate access, within seconds. Its also completely open and unregulated. Anyone can read what I am saying right now. Even when this blog is deleted and gone there will be an imprint online somewhere of these words. This may be a scary thought. Online journaling (such as blogs) can be such a great and creative way to get your thoughts out and help friends and family to follow along in your life. It also creates a forum for which other people can criticize and negatively perceive what they are reading. I know I love blogging because I love writing, editing and reading. I usually do not really care that much if someone disagrees with me or doesn't like what I have to say. I consider myself to be a very straight forward and honest person. Ask away! I'm an open book! But recently a topic came up that I feel very conflicted about.
A family that was using a fairly new agency to Addis Ababa was recently not permitted to adopt the child they had been referred because the parent posted a photo of the child on their blog. Our agency, Wide Horizons, has always made this absolutely clear that you can not post photos of your child until they are legally deemed "yours". Unfortunately it is said that a vindictive person leaked the information to the Embassy. Sounds like a mess, I know. The part of this conversation that is concerning me though, is that the Embassy made it very clear they were not only upset about the posting of the photo, but that the family had been fund raising towards their adoption on the website. The old, "you shouldn't be adopting if you can not afford it" phrase. Our agency has said that although they absolutely understand why people choose to fund raise, and they are not saying that you cant- with the cultural difference in Ethiopia, they may not understand or look kindly on parents fund raising to come up with the money to adopt. Legally in the US you can not be licensed as an adoptive family (internationally) if your income falls below $30,000.00. How ever, right now the adoption situation in Ethiopia is getting more and more prickly. Many new agencies have moved in, and many more children are leaving Ethiopia. People are very scared. Scared that Ethiopia may end up like Russia, China or Guatemala. Many adoptive parents have chosen to stop blogging (I frequently have to go through my links and get rid of ones people have stopped contributing to- like what happened to swerl?), make their blogs password protected (private) or just not discuss anything that could be interpreted as offensive.
I myself am not sure what to do. I have taken down my direct paypal link but I am hesitant to do more. Is someone really trolling the hundreds of adoption blogs looking for offensive material? Perhaps. If fund raising is offensive, what about soliciting money from a church or applying for grant or loan? What about people that get a second loan on their house? Is that frowned upon? I know our agency said not to include any photos of animals in our home study packet because Ethiopians did not understand our indulgence of pets in this country. So will it be held against me that I have photos of my dogs and cats all over my blog? Should I hide the fact that our pit bull Harley is the best napping companion a kid could ask for? Should I abandon any topics that may be controversial or opinionated?

Fear.

We are told to fear so much in our country. Comcast is regulating what you can and can not download. AT&T is releasing our phone conversations without legal warrants. Scammers are high jacking your credit information. Its everywhere you look. No more do I want to tamper with our ability to adopt than I want to succumb to the pressures to edit and mute my thoughts and beliefs. Call me naive. Call me ego maniacal. Without the support of our community of friends, family and like minded thinkers we would not be doing this adoption. There is just no way. So by removing the element of fund raising from my blog, from my writing, I feel like I would be diminishing their participation- their importance. Sprout has an entry about this on her blog that I responded to in length. Let me know your thoughts on all of this...

In other news- PBS has a series that you must, must watch if you have a computer. Especially if you have a computer and kids, this series is an absolute must see. Its called Frontline: Growing Up Online.
So if you are a teacher, parent, prospective parent, or just want to be hip to whats really going on with children online right now, go watch this series. I am pretty restrictive about what Kiana is allowed to do online and we really limit the time frames. But I can do so much better ( I say after being online for 2 hours) and learn more tools to deal with the over connectedness our children have with media.

Dr. King

2008-01-21T17:24:00.000-05:00

I am surprised to find myself posting on the Dr. Martin Luther King holiday (even though I am at work- no holidays or time and a half in the hotel business). I blogged on the holiday last year too, and would not have expected then that we would have lots more waiting time ahead of us in 2008. But- it is what it is.

Here is an interesting short article called "The Freedom We Seek" discussing the distance that has been covered since the passing of Dr. King.
"...Dr. King's message and enduring witness remind us that we're all in this together, and that each of us has a role to play in healing what divides us, forging a new path forward, and moving freedom up the mountain. We must decide together that we will no longer wait for the wealth to trickle down, the jobs to spring forth, or the tide of discrimination to dry up..."

I think there is no greater concern right now than the huge disparities of wealth in our country. It effects our current occupation of Iraq, it effects who has access to health care, it changes who has the opportunity to attend college among a ton of other issues. In Dr. King's speeches he recognized that the divides in America were not just based on race- but also on religion and economic status. There have been great strides forwards, especially in moving towards equality of men and woman of all racial make ups. But the truth is it is not enough. It is not enough in such a wealthy and modern country.
In this article from the New York Times it reads: "...Big business and the federal government have worked hand in hand to squeeze the daylights out of working people, stripping them (in an era of downsizing and globalization) of much of their bargaining power while ferociously pursuing fiscal policies that radically favored the privileged few...Mr. Johnston does not mince words: “The pattern here is clear. The rich are getting fabulously richer, the vast majority are somewhat worse off, and the bottom half — for all practical purposes, the poor — are being savaged by our current economic policies.”
“The distribution of wages, income and wealth in the United States has become vastly more unequal over the last 30 years. In fact, this country has a more unequal distribution of income than any other advanced country.”
Economic alarm bells have been ringing in the U.S. for some time. There was no sense of urgency as long as those in the lower ranks were sinking in the mortgage muck and the middle class was raiding the piggy bank otherwise known as home equity.
But now that the privileged few are threatened (Merrill Lynch took a $9.8 billion fourth-quarter hit, and the stock market has spent the first part of the year behaving like an Olympic diving champion), it’s suddenly time to take action..."
One of the complaints I often hear from friends that teach or are involved in social work with younger people, is the common sense of entitlement that some children are being raised with. Social circles are often too tight knit for children of different economic backgrounds to experience different life styles. How can this change? How can we create more community and less solidarity?
In the book by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist David Cay Johnston, “Free Lunch: How the Wealthiest Americans Enrich Themselves at Government Expense (And Stick You with the Bill).” Johnston states:
"...So how come we’re not all really well-off? Why is it one-in-seven families has filed bankruptcy in the last twenty-five years? Why is it people are so mired in debt that television ads are just full of debt relief and take on more debt ads, sometimes at 99 percent interest? Why is it that so many people don’t have health insurance and so many people no longer have a retirement plan?
And by the way, the average income of the bottom 90 percent of Americans, what I call the vast majority, is smaller today than it was in 1980. And since the year 2000, when we really got serious about this tax cut business, the average income of Americans every year—2001, ’02, ’03, ’04, ’05—has been smaller than it was in 2000. There have been some gains in 2004 and ’05, but they haven’t gotten up to equal 2000. And of those gains in the year 2000—it’s either ’05 over ’04 or ’04 over ’03—half went to people who make over a million dollars a year."
In an article by Adam Howard he says, "That King would most likely have just as vociferously opposed the Iraq War today as he did the Vietnam War then. This is the King who launched a "Poor People's Campaign," a thoroughly progressive campaign that was considered ambitious for its time and whose job has yet to be completed in part because King was killed, but also because its goal, of organizing America’s poor to fight for economic justice with regards to both compensation and treatment, was so large that no single leader could accomplish it on their own. The "Poor People's Campaign" extended beyond the African-American community. The goal was a "multiracial army of the poor" including whites, Native Americans, and Hispanic Americans.
King traveled to severely impoverished communities with camera crews to shed light on poverty in America, knowing that there would be no symbolic victories or positive press coverage. King called for a "radical redistribution of economic power" in 1968, words that no establishment politician would be happy to associate themselves with expressing today."
In thinking of this brave man, this wise beyond his years man, I want to remember all his messages, all of his soulful intelligence. He didn't believe that the challenge of equality were limited to race or gender. He understood that it would take brave people from every economic stratosphere to come and work together to initiate real, ground breaking change.

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality,

tied in a single garment of destiny.

Whatever affects one directly,

affects all indirectly."

-- Dr. Martin Luther King jr,

"Letter from Birmingham Jail", April 1963

Proud Momma Pictures from Mulan

2008-01-10T19:27:00.000-05:00

Its the Mulan Musical picture time. I was soooo proud of Kiana for sticking with this musical and enjoying herself during the performance. Unfortunately the snowstorms that weekend cancelled their second show. My younger brother Colin and younger sister Maeve came as well as Lenea. Weather prevented my parents and aunt from coming all the way from Maynard Massachusetts.

I am pretty sure you need to have high speed to enjoy the video's Colin took on the digital camera. Unfortunately the volume doesn't seem to working now that its on the computer. I'm not sure what I did wrong loading it...

She is 3rd from the right.

Her lips are glowing in this picture-weird.

Congratulating the director- Kiana is in yellow.

Flowers sent from Grandma & Grandpa

Being dramatic. She changed out of her costume the first moment she could...

My sister Maeve 21, my daughter Kiana 11,my brother Colin 25

Girl who played Mulan, Director Lanny and Kiana

My sister and brother are actually turning 21 and 25 this year-me, 33 and Fred-gasp-40.

The year Maeve can get her first legal drink in the USA.

For me this big gateway into adulthood was quite a let down. I had discovered just the month before that I was pregnant. I found myself in a bar on the corner of Landsdown Street with some friends from work sipping a ginger ale with lime. I wasn't sure how I was feeling at the time. I know I was scared as hell to become a mother. I felt privileged in a way, I almost couldn't believe it that I had been picked to be a mom to a little person (picked in a generic, who knows by whom way). But I had just "taken a break" from my social work degree so that I could live independently and work. Why? Oh I don't know. I was in love with a man, in love with a city and with a way of life. I thought I liked working in an office in One Exeter Plaza, across the street from the beautiful Boston Library. I took buses and trains every day. I temp'ed for a while and met lots of interesting people. I hung out in Chelsea and Roxbury and went to Revere Beach. Come on- I was 19 and 20! So I wasn't ready- I wasn't prepared to find myself a mom. And yet- I made it work. I tried really hard to make the best choices for the two of us. When I think of all the details of my life its hard to think of the times when I wasn't a mom. Its ingrained in me now and I wouldn't want it any other way. I have found things to criticize about my parenting or decisions I made. But when I see Kiana on stage- so tall, so bright and strong... I cant tell you what that's like. It made me cry the happy tears.

Iowa

2008-01-04T09:29:00.000-05:00

If you know me then you know that I am a political junkie. Not in that fervent constantly have to talk about it way. But if you bring it up I would love to share. I do not know as much political history as I should, but I am paying attention and reading the information that I feel effects my life and my family.

Last night I logged on quickly before I went to bed to see what was happening in the Iowa caucuses. I am a huge fan of Kucinich and Edwards, and felt that Edwards might have a real chance of winning, or at least being in the top three. I was thrilled to see Obama pull out into first in the end, its still a great sign. The best news of all was the record numbers of "young people" (can I still be included in that phrase?) that voted. Its so important that people pay attention to the decisions leaders are making. There are a whole lot of people that have died so that each one of us can have the opportunity- the choice if you will, to vote. Its so easy, it doesn't take that long, there's just no excuse.

Here's some political quotes from last night:

"...John Edwards was supposed to have come in third. He had been written off. He was outspent by the other front-runners six to one. But somewhere along the road he threw off the old politico hack jacket and turned into a real person, a fighter for the poor, for the uninsured, for peace. And for that, he came in a surprise second, ending up with just one less delegate than the man who was against the war from the beginning. But, as Joshua Holland of AlterNet pointed out earlier today, Edwards is still the only front-runner who will pull out all the troops and do it as quickly as possible. His speech tonight was brilliant and moving [did you see the sign "Carpenters for Edwards"].
What an amazing night, not just for Barack Obama, but for America. I know that Senator Obama is so much more than simply the color of his skin, but all of us must acknowledge -- and celebrate -- the fact that one of the whitest states in the U.S. just voted for a black man to be our next president. Thank you, Iowa, for this historic moment. Thank you for at least letting us believe that we are better than what we often seem to be. And to have so many young people come out and vote -- and vote for Obama -- this is a proud moment. It all began with the record youth turnout in 2004 -- the ONLY age group that Kerry won -- and they came back out tonight en force. Good on every single one of you!..."

"...With all due respect to Senator Obama's victory, the most important news out of the caucus this evening was the whopping, room-busting turnout of Democrats. 239,000 people showed up to vote Democratic tonight (93% more than in '04, which was a record year), while only 115,000 showed up to vote Republican. And this is a red state! The Republican caucuses looked anemic. The looks on their faces were glum, tired. As the camera followed some of them into their caucus sites, they held their heads down or turned away, sorta like criminals on a perp walk. They know their days of power are over. They know their guy blew it. Their only hope was to vote for a man who has a direct line to heaven. Huckabee is their Hail Mary pass. But don't rule him out. He's got a sense of humor, he's downhome, and he said that if elected, he'd put me on a boat to Cuba. Hey, a free Caribbean vacation!
Bottom line: People have had it. Iowa will go blue (Happy Blue Year, Hawkeyes!). Whomever your candidate is on the Dem side, this was a good night. Get some sleep. The Republicans won't go down without a fight. Look what happened when Kerry tried to play nice. So Barack, you can talk all you want about "let's put the partisanship aside, let's all get along," but the other side has no intention of being anything but the bullies they are. Get your game face on now. And, if you can, tell me why you are now the second largest recipient of health industry payola after Hillary. You now take more money from the people committed to stopping universal health care than any of the Republican candidates..."

-Michael Moore

Love that guy.

What I cant get over is how well Edwards did with so much less money than Clinton or Obama. When I listened to Edwards speech, I actually got weepy, it was that powerful. Take ten minutes and watch it, its so worth it. I listen to what he is saying about the two Americas, the complete separation from the wealthy and the poor. How just one health care emergency, one death in the family one crisis can completely change the way you live your life in the U.S.

I think of Fred this morning, getting up at 5:45am, putting on several layers to protect him from the 3 degree weather outside. Putting on his huge boots and lumbering upstairs to take the garbage out with him. This morning he is bringing my car into the garage for me- it wont pass emissions- so he has to unload his truck of things he may need for his day and put them into my car. By 6:30am one of the guys from work will have picked him up from the garage and headed out in the work trucks to set up some footings.

I think of my dad, a carpenter for years and years. Working in any weather, in all the conditions Nature had to throw at him. He created beautiful homes and additions day in and day out. He is a lousy mechanic but an awesome philosophiser.

I think this is why Edwards resonates with me, he seems to honestly care about everyone that lives in this country, not just the ones that he needs something from.

"A candidate who says things like this: "I absolutely believe to my soul that this corporate greed and corporate power has an ironclad hold on our democracy." Whoa. We haven't heard anyone talk like that in a while, at least not anyone who is near the top of the polls. I suspect this is why Edwards is doing so well in Iowa, even though he has nowhere near the stash of cash the other two have. He won't take the big checks from the corporate PACs, and he is alone among the top three candidates in agreeing to limit his spending and be publicly funded. He has said, point-blank, that he's going after the drug companies and the oil companies and anyone else who is messing with the American worker. The media clearly find him to be a threat, probably because he will go after their monopolistic power, too. This is Roosevelt/Truman kind of talk. That's why it's resonating with people in Iowa, even though he doesn't get the attention Obama and Hillary get."

-Michael Moore

Now the front runner for the republicans was Mike Huckabee. This is an interesting quote from him: "I didn't get into politics because I thought government had a better answer. I got into politics because I knew government didn't have the real answers, that the real answers lie in accepting Jesus Christ into our lives...I hope we answer the alarm clock and take this nation back for Christ."

Ummm, OK. Some how I would really have a hard time believing that enough American citizens would actually get behind someone who would say that as he was representing our country. How about this quote:

"If the federal government is truly serious about doing something with the AIDS virus, we need to take steps that would isolate the carriers of this plague. It is difficult to understand the public policy towards AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population, and in which this deadly disease for which there is no cure is being treated as a civil rights issue instead of the true health crisis it represents."

Quarantine people because they are sick with a disease you can not get just by coughing on someone! Are we really still this backwards?

On the other hand I watched a trailer for this movie earlier and it made me scared- and wanting the see the whole thing. Here's a quote from the movie:

"According to Gallup, 44% of Americans believe that within their lifetimes Jesus Christ will literally descend from the sky and take his followers with him up to heaven.
In this clip from The God Who Wasn't There, Rapture believer Scott Butcher talks about his End Times convictions, and author Sam Harris (The End of Faith) discusses what such widely held apocalyptic beliefs may do to our future."

At least I was glad to see Ron Paul didn't fare so well.

"Then there's Paul's now infamous slavery quip that he made on Meet the Press. Paul claimed the Civil War was an unnecessary bloodbath that could and should have been avoided. All Lincoln had to do was buy the slaves. Other slave promoting countries, asserts Paul, didn't fight wars and they ended slavery peacefully. Paul's historical dumbness would have been laughable except for four things.
One, he was dead wrong. Lincoln twice made offers to the slave owners to buy the slaves. They turned him down flat. The countries that freed the slaves without war, presumably France and England, unlike the U.S., did not practice slavery in their countries. And France did fight a war -- Napoleon's ill-fated invasion of Haiti to put down the slave revolt there.

"Government as an institution is particularly ill-suited to combat bigotry." In other words, the 1954 landmark Supreme Court's Brown vs. Board of education school desegregation decision, the 1964 and 1968 Civil Rights Acts, the 1965 Voting Rights Act, and legions of court decisions and state laws that bar discrimination are worthless. Worse, says Paul, they actually promote bigotry by dividing Americans into race and class."

-Earl Ofari Hutchinson

Did you stick with me through all that? lol.

I just have high hopes- I'm optimistic that enough people can come together and create the changes that are needed. Even though it sounds repetitive at this point because of all the speeches, it really is true. There is so much beauty out there i want my children to be able to experience. So many wonderful people I want them to have the opportunity to meet. If things cant change we will never get out of this idea that its just the daily grind- day after day. If I wasn't spending $500.00 a month on a lousy health care plan, could we be using that to go towards our children's education? Or the adoption of our child? Its just a frustrating cycle that needs to be disrupted.

One last thing- if your like minded, check out GoLeft TV its interesting and informative.

And by the way- Congratulations Sprout!!!!!!!

A Glimmer of Hope Foundation

2008-01-03T14:30:00.000-05:00

You may have noticed some fairly new additions to the side column of the blog (and yes Katy- go ahead and steal away). There are just so many fantastic organizations out there and I want to share them with everybody!

On an evening in early December I was perusing the blogs and links when I came upon the foundation A Glimmer of Hope. I spent the next two hours watching all their videos and reading the loads of information about Ethiopia on their web site. I smiled at the beautiful faces, and cried at the heart wrenching clips. I am incredibly impressed with the fact that 100% of every donation goes towards the humanitarian work they are doing in Ethiopia.

"Since 2001, A Glimmer of Hope has funded more than 2,500 projects in Ethiopia and improved the lives of more than two million people in the process. All of this has been achieved for an average cost of less than $9 per person.
These numbers are definitely one way of measuring success but it is also important to never lose sight of the fact that each one of those numbers represents a village, a family or a person."

The articles about their work come across as honest and straight forward. There's no bible thumping or guilt tripping- just a concise account of what they are doing. They are irrigating land, building wells and providing clean water, building sanitation stations, offering veterinary care, providing education and health care and even establishing micro loans.
These are not people that have any kind of connection to Ethiopia besides just a concern for the welfare of the people there. They are a couple who made millions off selling their online trading company. When the wife met a mother who had recently adopted from Ethiopia, she listened to her description of what the country was like and the enormous struggles it was/is facing. She visited the embassy in Washington, and from there the couple established this foundation.
I was so caught up in emotion after spending time on this web site that I spoke with Kiana and Fred the next evening at dinner. I had decided I really wanted to make our annual holiday donation to A Glimmer of Hope. Every year around Christmas we try to pick an organization that we would like to donate to, one that we feel connected to somehow. Donating to an organization that is making a difference in the lives of the communities where my son will be born feels so right to me.
Kiana is no dummy though- she immediately asked, "Mom, why are we giving away money when we are trying to save money?" (funny this question doesn't come up when she is drooling over an audio book of another Harry Potter...). But her question gave me an opportunity to talk about the idea of Karma, and of life being one big circle of giving and receiving. She is used to donating clothes, toys and canned food, but money seemed to be an entirely different thing to her. Not so very different from many of us adults don't ya think?

I had every intention of posting this right around Christmas, but unfortunately it sat in my waiting to edit file for the duration of the holiday. Hopefully this foundation will resonate with you as well. Happy New Year!!!! 2008 is gonna rock!

How many more days?

2007-12-07T12:12:00.000-05:00

So here is the question- how many more days?
I am referring to three subjects:

1. The question Kiana repeatedly asks me when referring to the endless additional rehearsals of the musical she is committed to. They have added more and more days of practice which makes any other holiday-ish stuff we would like to do on the weekends darn near impossible. How many more days of practice?

2. Until Christmas. We celebrate the traditions of Christmas. The spiritual side of Christmas, not necessarily the religious part. I make the distinction because I want to encompass all traditions of people at this time of the year. I am trying very hard this year to get away from the strictly material parts of Christmas. I have found quite a few fantastic sites that encourage making a donation at the same time as shopping. You can shop through a site to donate. On Maatiam I like to support the group DWAFANM, they work to support Haitian woman and children. Or you can get a gift that also supports a charity group, such as Global Exchange (they have gorgeous dolls on there reasonably priced). I really like the actual gift giving- the unwrapping part. So I decided to shop there this year, just small things people close to us might enjoy. We get to see my adorable niece Delaney this New Years, and getting gifts for toddlers is soooo fun. But I am trying to keep it to just one or two little things. They live in Los Angeles so we don't get a chance to see them very often.

It makes me a little sad that our families live so far away from each other. Although my older sister and I are very different, we share many similar child raising philosophies.
Which brings me back to all the commercialism surrounding Christmas. I haven't always been good about limiting the bounty. I enjoy buying gifts for others way more than for myself (I know this is not necessarily always good, I'm working on it) so I have gotten carried away at times. For those of you that are already parents, you may know what I'm talking about. There are some things which you say to yourself- OK, I didn't do that the way I wanted to- not really- so I'm going to try it a different way with child number two. Child number one can also be referred to as guinea pig, in a good way. I know my parents felt this way. My older and younger sisters are sixteen years apart, so my parents style of parenting changed as their level of experience in parenting changed. The fact that I had my daughter when I was 21, and am now having my son at 32, gives me the opportunity to make some changes as a parent. For the coming years I hope to pare it down a little. A few nice, quality gifts- wooden toys, or cloth dolls, and more quiet, peaceful time. Kiana's at a difficult age right now, not quite sure what she wants. She wants to believe in a Santa, and play with her horses and dolls, but she also feels too old for this sometimes. Plus she has been so miserable in the new school this year, I know she's having such a hard time.

last year's Christmas

3. How many day until the referral?
You may have noticed that I left the original time clock on the bottom of the page. Its winding down. When we got on the list in March of 2007 we expected to wait ten months, so that's what the first clock is counting. But the wait is now expected to be sixteen months until referral, and who knows how long until travel. The only positive thing about this situation is it gives us longer to come up with more money. People have suggested re-mortgaging our house, except that we rent. Or charging up credit cards, except we do not have any (its a long story) or hitting up wealthy relatives, which don't exist in our family. So we are just trying to save, and take things as they come. I'm going to leave that clock up until it runs out. The other clock will keep ticking.

Here is one gift NOT to buy this year. the famous video game Resident Evil.
"... And, in what looks like it could be a training video for a white supremacist race war or another U.S. military adventure in one of the increasing numbers of deserts on the planet, players of the soon-to-be-released Resident Evil 5 video game are placed in what could be an African country or Haiti as they blow up armies of black zombies...".
A great article by Roberto Lovato. Not only do the gamers get to drive around and shoot people, but you get to revel in racism while your at it. Great.

Some good news? Apparently a study I heard on NPR reports that adoption is not harmful to a child self esteem. That's good to hear. One less thing for them to discuss in therapy.

I was recently reading the blog for Sprout and took the test she has on there from the site Understanding Prejudice. Apparently I have a "slight preference for African Americans". I can only imagine it is because I see my own children in all the flash pictures they have you look at. Even if you are not into the test the site has a ton of great information. One of the links I clicked on was African American Holocaust which was very difficult to look at. There was however, a beautiful poem I wanted to share.

This brought to mind a wonderful children's book that I found when Kiana was very young. It is called "I love my hair" by Natasha Anastasia and EB Lewis. The pictures are gorgeous, the story so heart warming. Put it on your wish list. I have a wish list on Amazon and on Global Exchange, mostly all books.

I did manage to finish a few books in the last couple weeks. The writer Edwidge Danticat has a new book called "Brother I am Dying". I love her style of writing, her gentle yet clear story telling. I first read some of her poetry in high school, so when I saw this book at the library I immediately wanted to bring it home. She doesn't disappoint, but the story is true to the title, it is sad- heartbreaking.
page 255 "...Today is not just her day, but all of ours. And we are not the only ones who will cradle and protect her. She will also hold and comfort us. She too will be our repozwa, our sacred place to rest."
In one chapter she discusses growing up with her uncle while her parents were preparing for her to come to the United States from Haiti. She lived with them from age four until age twelve, a huge chunk of her childhood. She was then expected to move and continue her life with her parents. How confusing this was for her, she said she felt she had two set of parents, one in Haiti and one in the US. I see this often at work, men and woman working here and sending money home, to Brazil or Guatemala. They experience their children through pictures, phone calls and maybe even a web cam. They shrug their shoulders with responsibility when asked, how do you do it?
page 107 "...Even though we had been expecting it, how could I tell him that I didn't want o leave him? What difference would it make? For better or for worse, I had to go. These were my parents, my real parents, and they wanted me to come and live with them."

The second book I finished was James McBride's "The Color of Water, a Black Man's Tribute to His White Mother". I am surprised I never had to read this in college. Even though all the children manage to eventually lead such productive lives, I still found the book disheartening. The mother absolute belief in not recognizing her children's different skin tones from her own confused and strained their young lives. Her inability to entirely care for them (there was twelve children!) made me picture a hurricane home. The writer does a great job of bringing us along with him on this journey of self discovery, and I found the book was over rather quickly. I don't know if I so much think the book was a great book as I am just glad that I read and learned from it. Its a good addition to my own library.
page 22 "...Mommy, after all, did not really look like me. In fact, she didn't look like Richie, or David-or any of her children for that matter. We were all clearly black, of various shades of brown, some light brown, some medium brown, some very light-skinned, and all of us had curly hair. Mommy was, by her own definition, "light-skinned," a statement which I had initially accepted as fact but at some point later decided was not true. My best friend Billy Smith's mother was was light as Mommy was and had red hair to boot, but there was no question in my mind that Billy's mother was black and my mother was not. There was something inside me, an ache I had, like a constant itch that got bigger and bigger as I grew, that told me. It was in my blood you might say, and however the notion got there, it bothered me greatly. Yet Mommy refused to acknowledge her whiteness. Why she did so was not clear, but even my teachers seemed to know she was white and I wasn't. On open school nights, the question most often asked by my school teachers was: "Is James adopted?" which always prompted an outraged response from Mommy."

Autumn Pictures

2007-12-04T23:14:00.000-05:00

Kiana and Bella cuddle

"Perception is strong and sight weak. In strategy it is important to see distant things as if they were close and to take a distanced view of close things."

-Miyamoto Musashi

My parents rescued pitbull Logan sunning himself

"It is worth reminding ourselves that what brings us the greatest joy and satisfaction in life are those actions we undertake out of concern for others. Indeed we can go further. For whereas the fundamental questions of human existence, such as why we are here, where we are going, and whether the universe had a beginning, have each elicited different responses in different philosophical traditions, it is self-evident that a generous heart and wholesome actions lead to greater peace."

-Dalai Lama

Kiana and Fred going apple picking

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish."

~John Quincy Adams

Lenea and Kiana apple picking

"Only in an open space where we're not all caught up in our own version of reality can we see and hear and feel who others really are, which allows us to be with them and communicate with them properly."

-Pema Chodron

Bindi, Harley and Bella all squeeze onto the heating pad

Giving Thanks Day

2007-11-21T11:53:00.000-05:00

I am truly thank full for so, so much this year. My daughter is bright and healthy, my marriage is secure and supportive. I have modern conveniences-my home and vehicle. My friends and extended family are healthy and well. And of course having the amazing opportunity to welcome another child into our lives is one of the most amazing things of all! Thank you!!!

Another thing to be thankful for? No one that I know directly is serving in our current war. My heart goes out to all the families that are missing a family member or friend this thanksgiving.

I listened to this really powerful speech from Randi Rhodes at the The 50th Anniversary party of PEACE ACTION on November 11th, 2007. There was that part of me that just felt angry- angry at all the injustices of the world, all the inequality. The unfairness of it all. But I felt empowered listening to her. I felt part of a larger community of people that truly care about one another. I didn't feel like it was a waste of time to spend signing petitions and sending e mails to our political representatives. She just seems to speak truth- straight forward.

"All is love

All is choice

Everyone and every voice

All of life that you see

All are possibilities

As above so below

To wed the sense into the soul

This is truth I believe

I believe

I believe"

-Melissa Etheridge

I liked this information I read concerning Thanksgiving. I have never really been a fan of the holiday because I have always thought about it in a very literal way. I realize now that the holiday truly celebrates the bounty that we all have, the changing of the seasons, and the celebration that is family.

Step One
Explain the ancient origins of the harvest festival to your children. In ancient times, people of many cultures (including the ancient Greeks, Romans, Hebrews, Egyptians and Chinese) gave thanks to their god or gods for a successful harvest, and some of the traditions associated with modern Thanksgiving celebrations have their roots in these ancient festivals.
2.
Step Two
Discuss the roots of the American Thanksgiving celebration. In 1621, near the end of the Plymouth colony's first year in America, the settlers gave thanks for a plentiful first harvest. The pilgrims and the natives celebrated together (they had arranged a peace treaty), and everyone feasted on geese, ducks, deer, corn, oysters, fish and berries.
3.
Step Three
Discuss Native American issues surrounding Thanksgiving. Despite the harmonious relations that may have existed between natives and pilgrims at the first Thanksgiving feast, many subsequent American Thanksgivings involved settlers giving thanks for victories over the natives. Ask your children how they feel about this, and discuss the recent efforts that have been made by the American government and people to apologize for past discrimination and violence.
4.
Step Four
Explain when ' and why ' Thanksgiving became an official holiday. In 1863, during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed that Thanksgiving should be a national observance. To some degree, this was a way to brighten the spirits of the American people, who were dealing with a great deal of difficulty and deprivation.
5.
Step Five
Explain that one aspect of Thanksgiving involves gratitude for having enough food to eat, and encourage your children to help you buy groceries for the food bank, or make a donation to a local soup kitchen.
6.
Step Six
Talk turkey. The wild turkey is native to the eastern states and northern Mexico, and while it probably wasn't served at the first Thanksgiving feast, it has become a symbol of the holiday.
7.
Step Seven
Offer your children some relevant books. Many books that discuss the Thanksgiving tradition from a variety of different perspectives are available for readers of all ages.
Tips & Warnings
Let your children help with preparations for your Thanksgiving meal, and encourage them to make appropriate decorations. This gives you an opportunity to discuss the symbolism of many objects associated with Thanksgiving, and to share family traditions with them as you prepare the feast together.
While you may want your children to understand the true history of the Thanksgiving holiday, try to emphasize the joy of the harvest feast, too. Whatever Thanksgiving may have been in the past, it is now a time for people to celebrate with family and friends, to be grateful for what they have, and to help those who may have less than they do.

And lastly a few links about Angelina Jolie as she is in the news again. I don't even want to imagine how hectic her holiday celebrations must be. Even her meal plans are being speculated about. I wouldn't want all that media attention for all the nannies or maids in the world.

Happy Tryptophan Turkey Day :)

Read this for a different view of Thanksgiving, thoughts on why this shouldn't be a celebrated holiday.

Buzzzzz

2007-11-20T17:52:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness...the adoption world is buzzing today. Several people from our agency have received referrals of children! An infant and several sibling sets. Many people are travelling or waiting to travel, an incredibly anxious time I imagine.

To make things even more complicated, general perception of adoption is starting to sour. In Ethiopia. Where we are preparing to go.

I would be lying if I said this doesn't concern me. I understand the frustration and anger the people of Addis Ababa may feel. To see so many white faces taking children out of their country. Its confusing, and complicated and there are no easy answers.

Lets think of a scenario very simplistically.

A husband and wife have five children. They have a simple home and a small area of land. They struggle but are surviving and living as a family. Then the father gets sick and is in need of medicine. They spend the little money they have on medicine. The wife gives birth to a sixth child. The father is dying and they must make a decision on how best to support their family. They decide to give the youngest two children up for adoption. They legally proceed and relinquish the children. They agree to meet the adopting matched family. That family feels a great desire to continue to support their adopted children's birth family. They inquire on how to send the remaining children in the family to school. The agency sets up a process to assist the birth family with basic needs through the small donations of the adopting family. When they can no longer afford medication the agency is able to help them get more. The family slowly starts to regain some abilities of their former selves. People in the village start to see the children walking to school and the father working again. They wonder, did they sell their own children to provide for their other children? Members of their community become suspicious, even jealous.

Now I know this is very simple, but I am just trying to prove a point. All parts of the equation make sense! The family that wants to adopt a child, the villagers that become suspicious. The family that didn't want to see their children die, that wanted to give them a chance to stay alive.

So our agency has been making some changes.

"Effective... we are no longer coordinating new birth relative sponsorships... We continue to coordinate general sponsorships and existing birth relative sponsorships...
The decision to discontinue coordinating new birth relative sponsorship requests came after careful review by our senior agency staff, Ethiopia program manager, and Dr. ....... We recognize that our adoptive parents care deeply about the birth families of their adoptive children. However, we know from working in other countries that even the appearance of a birth family benefiting from the relinquishment of their birth child can be enough to cause serious harm, or in some cases closure, to an adoption program. The decision to discontinue any new birth sibling sponsorships was made to ensure that we avoid any appearance of impropriety in the conduct of our adoption work.
We remain deeply committed to providing humanitarian aid assistance to the children left behind. In addition to the projects currently identified (renovations to hospitals and schools, etc), we will be selecting smaller, community-based projects in order to keep our humanitarian aid efforts as close as possible to the families of the children we are placing. We also strongly encourage families who are interested in sponsoring a child in desperate need to participate in our ongoing Child Sponsorship Program in Ethiopia. This program has several hundred children currently waiting to be matched with a sponsor, and families, in the past, have found this a rewarding way to keep in touch with their child's country of birth."

Many people are very sad about the general perception of adoption recently in Addis Ababa. I believe recent events in Chad and seeing so many white faces carry away black children is effecting opinions. Homes have opened up in the city as bed and breakfasts specifically targeting the families that are arriving to adopt. Families from Europe, Canada, Australia and America are seen in hotels trying to parent children who do not yet know them. But, the public sees this, and has their own opinion of what may be going on. And the truth is, public opinion is very important to the continuation of the adoption programs.

But then I read about the severe draught in Niger and the children that are dying everyday from no food or clean water. I read this article from 2002 about famine in Ethiopia, and I have to wonder...which is worse? You mean to tell me that a mother in Darfur right now isn't praying for some way to have her children survive- even if that meant they grew up in another country, with another family?

There isn't an easy answer, or even a right or wrong answer. We all know it is not as easy as just pouring money into an economy. You need structure, sustainability. I am wondering what the program will be like in another six months. How will the people of Ethiopia feel then? Will they throw rocks or stare angrily? Will they smile or nod? Do they know that our hearts are in "the right place"?

I remember a conversation with a friend who had come to this country from Ecuador about eight years ago. I was explaining my frustrations with adoption and the different avenues we were trying to take. He was very surprised and curious about this. He then told me about certain poverty stricken areas near his home. "They have no birth control, no hospital, no food pantry's or safety nets like they have here in the US. Mothers will beg you to take their children and tell you they will otherwise starve to death. It is a really awful situation."

I do not think removing a child from there place of birth is or should be the first choice. It should be of last resort, when there are no other options. But what the word "options" means to you and me, may be completely different in radically different environments.

I still hope we are able to volunteer our time while we are there at the orphanage. I feel I need to learn as much as I possibly can of my sons place of birth, his roots.

"If someone listens, or stretches out a hand, or whispers a kind word of encouragement, or attempts to understand a lonely person, extraordinary things begin to happen."

-Loretta Girzaitis

The next day-

I thought about this alot last night when I was going to sleep. One thing that strikes me is that there are so many people in our world who want to adopt children. Many more than I ever thought before starting our foster care classes and this international adoption process. I cant help but wonder how many more would consider adoption if there weren't such huge financial barriers. Imagine if our foster care system was set up to truly support the needs of the child? As well as the many child welfare systems set up in the many different countries around the world. There is no reason, in our day and age, for healthy children to be growing up in orphanages. The needs of these children can be met. But it is tricky- complicated, messy.

Right now the government of Ethiopia is not able to sufficiently care for the needs of its citizens. There is a shortage of food, clean water, adequate medical care and work. Are we, as adopting families, filling a need? Or creating a way out for the government to not improve the conditions expediently.

Blog name change

2007-11-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

Change is good. I decided to change the name of my blog. I have found that the blog has become more of a journal of this adoption journey and its many twists and turns. The truth is there are a zillion blogs out there, many of them on the topic of adoption. Most people stumble upon the site through a search engine or another link. For those that are here to help sponsor our adoption all the information is still here and thank you, thank you, thank you. But thinking about it and discussing it with my husband what we are doing is really outrageous. To have started this having no money saved, and to have gotten this far is unbelievable. We had always thought we would adopt through the foster care system which has no additional cost (usually). So when we had the crazy idea to adopt internationally we had to completely change gears.

I thought of naming the blog middle class adoption, but Fred didn't think we were really sitting comfortably in the wage column of middle class, and lower middle class was quite long. This is actually tough to figure out. Different articles state different wage brackets when considering poverty levels, middle class levels and upper class levels. We fall into the highest percentage of the US wage bracket:
$50,000 - $74,999 per year 19.46% of total households. See the total graph here.

Fred felt that blue collar depicted our family more accurately. I wanted to go on line and see what wikipedia gives for an explanation of the term.

"Blue-collar is a term for what some refer to as the working class. A blue-collar worker is differentiated from white-collar and service employees, in that the blue-collar worker earns an hourly wage (as opposed to the white-collar salary) and performs manual labor (as opposed to the service-industry worker). Blue collar work may be skilled or unskilled, and may involve factory work, building and construction trades, law enforcement, mechanical work, maintenance or technical installations. The white-collar worker, by contrast, performs non-manual labor often in an office; and the service industry worker performs non-manual labor involving customer interaction, entertainment, retail sales, and the like.
This term occasionally carries a stereotype based on historical perspective, but is rarely perceived to be a negative one. The blue-collar worker in the United States is an embodiment of the American mythos of a work ethic and the dignity of labor. Rightly or wrongly, some blue-collar jobs, such as those of janitors and unskilled laborers, may carry negative stereotypes from perceptions that they represent minimal ability. Most, however, involve levels of specialized skill that carry no stigma, and are on the contrary a source of pride.
The term derives from the dress codes of workplaces. Industrial and manual workers wear durable clothing that can be soiled or scrapped at work. A popular element of such “work clothes” has been, and still is, a light or navy blue shirt. Blue is also a popular color for coveralls.
The popularity of the color blue among persons who do manual labor is contrasted to the ubiquitous white dress shirt that, historically, has been standard attire in office environments. This obvious color-coding has been used to identify a difference in socio-economic class. This distinction is growing more blurred, however, with the increasing importance of skilled labor, and the growth of non-laboring, but low-paying, service sector jobs.
Blue-collar can also be used as an adjective to describe the environment of the blue-collar worker: e.g. a blue-collar neighborhood, job, restaurant, bar, etc., or a situation describing the use of manual effort and the strength required to do so.
Some distinctive elements of blue-collar work are the lesser requirements for formal academic education which is needed to succeed in other types of work. Blue-collar work typically is wage-labor and entails a labor model that involves a 1-minute-accurate clock-in system. Usually, the pay for such occupation is lower than that of the white-collar worker, although higher than many entry-level service occupations. Sometimes the work conditions can be strenuous or hazardous. Skilled blue-collar work often pays as well or better than careers requiring professional post-graduate degrees.
Blue collar workers exist in varying proportions throughout the industrial world, though several locations, such as the United States state of Pennsylvania, particularly the cities of Allentown and Pittsburgh, contain large numbers of blue-collar workers and both cities have sometimes been highlighted in popular culture because of their blue-collar reputations.
With the movement of many Western nations towards service based economy, the Blue-collar workforce has steadily decreased in size. At the same time skilled Blue-collar workers, mainly tradespeople working in the building industry, have seen rapidly rising wages."

I had to agree (except for the rising wages part, I think my father and husband would disagree). Fred works as a forman for a concrete company (labor) and I work in the service industry in hospitality (service). Fred's father was a farmer (he passed away when Fred was five) and his mother works as a home health aide. My father is a master carpenter who still works full time as well as my mother who now works as the administrator in a waldorf high school, although she was a midwife when I was growing up. My mothers father worked as a toll booth operator for the New Jersey turnpike, her mother as a secretary. My fathers father was a stone mason and volunteer firefighter, his mother in a deli. Fred's family on his fathers side were farmers, I will have to check with him again to see if he knows more details. What is consistent however, is that both our families immigrated to America at one point not too far back. Mostly Irish, but also Lithuanian, Scottish and German. So it seems to me, even though the levels of ones- and the whole country's- bank account determine what financial class you are considered, low- middle- upper, blue collar has always meant the same thing.

I like it, I think it fits.

The only detriment to the term blue collar is the comedy tour we have all heard of. We have watched the dvd's and they are funny. But some of them make blue collar "folks" seem dumb and uneducated. I do not think this is true.

Crazy Hotel Workers

2007-11-14T22:23:00.000-05:00

You may or may not know that I have worked at a hotel for a bit over five years. I started at the front desk and am now working as a guest service manager over seeing about 20 staff members. Hotel work is, well...interesting. I attended two years of college after high school majoring in social work, so the hospitality business was never a career move for me. But the position came about at a time when I needed it and it does provide us with some health insurance coverage. Sometimes though, I really have to question myself if $12 an hour is worth my loss of sanity.

The truth of the matter is that hotels can bring out the absolute worst in people. Not to say everyone is awful, we definitely have some great regulars who are very nice, but some people are just shocking. About two weeks ago I came in a bit early on a Monday since the front desk clerk had a doctors appointment. A guest approached the front desk about 25 minutes after I had arrived at work. He told me he was unhappy with the rate of his room and demanded I do something about it. I asked him if he knew how much the room had cost before he stayed with us. He said yes, but it was too high. I explained that, like an airline, our rates do fluctuate and the rate at which you booked your room was the final rate you needed to pay. The man became furious and said I was being snotty and not helping him. He then yelled at me saying I do not "deserve" my job and that he was going to call our corporate headquarters and complain and by the way, he hoped I lose my job. It was really a lovely way to start my day. Thankfully he was just as rude and belligerent to the woman he spoke to at corporate so they did not file a complaint case. And as far as yelling and literally screaming at me- this guy was tame, there have been many scenarios that were much worse. And what about the people that do not tip their housekeepers?! This is so important people! Remember that your housekeeper is most likely making minimum wage and believe me it is absolutely back breaking work. Anyway, imagine my delight when I found this web site called CrazyHotelWorkers. Its great! It allows workers to vent or tell their stories so that you do not feel alone. You mean I am not the only one who has been told what a b***h I am because I will not give you a discount on your room? Really?

Here's some snippets from their site:
"Hospitality workers have seen it all; housekeepers know how you live, servers know how you eat, front desk know how you treat others, night auditors know your sleeping patterns. How’s that for creepy? So you there, that wanders around all night in your too-tight PJs, you that doesn’t tip your server at all, you that leaves your room a disaster for housekeeping, and yet we still treat you great. It’s who and what we are. Just think for a minute, how creepy is it that you can stay here and we find out that much about you."

"A guy calls up...ME: Blah blah, how can I help you?
HIM: Hi, we're going to be coming through town on... its a Friday, lemme just look here... oh yes, we'll be in town for *blah blah family thing I don't care about* on the 16th.
ME: Ok... were you looking for a room w/ 1 bed or 2?HIM: It'll be 2 rooms w/ 1 bed, for 4 adults.
ME: Alright, it'd be $65 +tax per room.
HIM: Hmm... Is that the best you can do? [I HATE when people ask this. Try coming here when we're actually busy the rates are +$20-$30.]
ME: Yes, unless you have AAA or AARP.
HIM: On Expedia it's cheaper though!
ME: Yes, sometimes there are lower or higher rates online - if you want an online rate though you have to book it online.
HIM: K fine. *Click*
It infuriates me that people still don't understand these online rates/discount sites. THEY AREN'T CONNECTED W/ US. I also don't need the 2 minute explanation of why and when you'll be in town, you're wasting my time - its not like you're just being friendly and trying to chat, its just straight up babbling. And I automatically hate anyone who asks "Is that the best you can do?"

Adoption challenges

2007-11-09T22:03:00.000-05:00

There has been a lot of grumbling and discussion's concerning the newest policy in Ethiopia. I am not sure if it is for all agencies, I believe it is, but I know our agency (WHFC) have made it a new rule.

"Effective immediately, families staying in hotels will not be able to take custody of children until after the coffee ceremony, on the day before departure. This means that families would be able to visit with the child for as long as they would like during the day, however, would not be able to take the child to their hotel with them. Families staying in the guest houses will be able to take custody of the child at any time during the trip, whenever feels appropriate for the family and the child. The reason for this change in policy is based on the current trend of increasingly negative views toward adoption in Ethiopia. As the number of adoptions is increasing, there is more visibility of adopted children in public, and an increasing number of questions and concerns about children being adopted abroad. ______ has informed us this week that additionally there have been some recent incidents with European families staying in hotels with their adopted child that have resulted in negative publicity toward international adoption. There are reports of children acting out in public, communication problems between the adoptive family and the child, as well as concerns about those families' parenting abilities. It is also likely that the recent child trafficking situation in Chad may be partly responsible for this shift in Ethiopia. The adoption forum, which is an advisory group comprised of representatives from each country including representatives from the Ethiopian government, met this week to discuss the question of how to minimize the effects of negative publicity related international adoption. The recommendation from the Ethiopian government is to require that families living in hotels visit the children daily in lieu of taking custody of them. Based on this recommendation from the Ethiopian government, WHFC has made this policy change."

And if you are unfamiliar with the situation in Chad:

"A French group calling itself Zoe's Ark was stopped last week from flying the children it described as orphans from Sudan's Darfur to Europe, where the group said it intended to place them with host families. Seventeen Europeans have been detained by Chadian authorities, including six French citizens who were charged with kidnapping. The group says its intentions were purely humanitarian." Read more here, or here.

Its not that I necessarily disagree with the new rules, I do understand the reasoning. I am just worried we will not be able to stay in the guest house, as it may fill up more quickly now. It is reserved on a first come, first serve basis. Especially as I hope to breastfeed (and would hope for that to start as soon as humanly possible). I have always wanted to stay at the guest house anyway, I don't really get not wanting that experience. But, to each their own. Well, it is what it is, and who knows how it will be when we actually make it to the top of the waiting list.

BTW, I was reminded the other day that my intention was to keep this blog strictly about adoption, and not about politics. I have decided however, that this blog is a reflection of me, and my family, and therefor I will blog about whats on my mind. Since I enjoy politics (is it possible to actually enjoy it?!) or should I say I am fascinated by it, it will end up on here. I think its important to understand the way our country is changing, and I think its incomprehensible not to educate one self and actively vote for what you believe in.

Addendum

2007-11-09T14:24:00.000-05:00

The morning after I wrote my last post I was picking up dog toys in the living room and came accross another book I am reading. Its called "Does Anybody Else Look Like Me" by Donna Jackson Nakazawa.
This is a really good book that requires patience and concentration to get through. A few weeks ago Kiana was in an after school class where they were forming a circle for a sports game. A little boy in the fourth grade told Kiana that he didn't want to stand next to her because she was black. I am so grateful that I have a daughter who feels like she can talk to me about these things. We discussed what it meant for this boy to say this, and what the options of a response could be in the future. I think having done some reading of this book really helped me to offer some suggestions without telling her what to do. I respected Kiana's wishes not to speak to the parents of this child, but I did speak to her main teacher just to make her aware. I am glad to report she was very receptive to being more aware of the dynamics in the classes.

When I went to bed the night after I wrote my last post, I saw two books by the side of my bed that I have not finished. I just felt like I wasn't being truthful if I didn't divulge my wading in too many books, lol. By my bed is Dr. Robin's book "Lies at the Alter, The Truth About Great Marriages". This book is very down to earth and I'm enjoying it. The only problem is that it has little projects in it that you are supposed to do, and that takes a little more effort, so I have not finished it. I fell in love with Dr. Robins radio show on XM 156. For my 35 minutes each way ride to and from work I try to catch her being on and giving advice. Usually I'm tuned to Air America (ch.167) because I love, love, love Randi Rhodes, Sam Seder and Rachel Maddow, or sometimes it will be on NPR locally. But its good for me to have a break from politics sometimes as it can get very frustrating. So, if I am not listening to Keisha Coles new album, I'm listening to Dr. Robin and trying to become a better person.

Newest favorite quote?

"It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err".

-Mohandas K. Gandhi

I put this up on my cork board at work :)

I am also reading, but not finished with: "Hold on to Your kids" by Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate, "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch and "Conversations with Dog" by Kate Solisti-Mattelon. All of these books I like, which is why I am still trying to read them, I am just having a hard time choosing to read them right now. I decided not to renew Newsweek, The Nation or American Prospect. I am down to just receiving Mothering, Mother Jones, The Lowdown and The Sun magazines. I just so enjoy reading and I want to take it all in, as much good stuff as I can. Its a whole 'nother world inside the pages.

This morning I read this article about TransAfrica and Danny Glover. I read about the very brave Dennis Kucinich and his hard work towards a hearing for the impeachment of Dick Cheney. I checked in on the blog Army of Dude. This is an awsome blog with real soldiars telling real life experiences. We know so little of what they know.

I read about the alarming high school drop out rates and how "No child left behind" is most definately leaving them behind. And finally I read about more Bush dirt being swept under the carpet of public knowledge.

"If you haven’t been exposed to Project Censored, plan on spending several hours reading about the kind of media suppression and bias that we cover daily here at C&L. Every year they compile a list of the top 25 news stories that you just didn’t hear about through the traditional media. Here’s 2008’s List:

# 1 No Habeas Corpus for “Any Person”

# 2 Bush Moves Toward Martial Law
# 3 AFRICOM: US Military Control of Africa’s Resources

#4 Frenzy of Increasingly Destructive Trade Agreements

# 5 Human Traffic Builds US Embassy in Iraq

# 6 Operation FALCON Raids

# 7 Behind Blackwater Inc.

# 8 KIA: The US Neoliberal Invasion of India

# 9 Privatization of America’s Infrastructure

# 10 Vulture Funds Threaten Poor Nations’ Debt Relief

# 11 The Scam of “Reconstruction” in Afghanistan

# 12 Another Massacre in Haiti by UN Troops

# 13 Immigrant Roundups to Gain Cheap Labor for US Corporate Giants

# 14 Impunity for US War Criminals

# 15 Toxic Exposure Can Be Transmitted to Future Generations on a “Second Genetic Code”

# 16 No Hard Evidence Connecting Bin Laden to 9/11

# 17 Drinking Water Contaminated by Military and Corporations

# 18 Mexico’s Stolen Election

# 19 People’s Movement Challenges Neoliberal Agenda (Free Trade through Central and South America)

# 20 Terror Act Against Animal Activists

# 21 US Seeks WTO Immunity for Illegal Farm Payments

# 22 North Invades Mexico

# 23 Feinstein’s Conflict of Interest in Iraq

# 24 Media Misquotes Threat From Iran’s President

# 25 Who Will Profit from Native Energy?

Background and updates on all these stories available at Project Censored. "

OK, now I feel better- I have divulged my poor reading habits, the fact that I may bite off more than I can chew? Now if only I can feel the same way about cleaning as I do about reading. Lenea says that she can go into a "zone" when cleaning, and just get it done. I need to know how to do that.