I finished last weekend by reading a few books. I read two of Ken Foster's books: "Dogs Who Found Me." and "Dogs I Have Met: And the People They Found". Then Kiana and I went to the library in Sheffield and I read "Good Dog. Stay." by Anna Quindlen. My favorite quote from that book is this:
"Human being wind up having the relationship with dogs that they fool themselves they will have with other people. When we are very young, it is the perfect communion we honestly believe we will have with a lover; when we are older, it is the symbiosis we manage to fool ourselves we will always have with our children. Love unconditional, attention unwavering, companionship without question or criticism. I once saw a pillow that said I WOULD LIKE TO BE THE MAN MY DOG THINKS I AM. That about covers it."
Oh she is so, so right! If you are an animal lover- of dogs, or cats, or horses or whatever, you may totally understand. I know for myself I am far better at meeting stranger animals than stranger people.
Two other books we got from the library were absolutely beautiful books that I will not be buying for my own collection. Let me explain why. The first book, "Why War Is Never A Good Idea" by Alice Walker and Stefano Vitale illustrating.
This book is gorgeous. Vibrant colors and imaginative words. I understand the message, I think it is an important topic for children to understand, but I found the pictures towards the end of the book to be too hard to look at for a young children's book. Only two pages, but they are rough. Pictures of melted little green army men all bubbly and brown and putrid yellow along with the words, "war tastes terrible and smells bad..." The painting/sculpture thing on those pages definitely portrays clearly what she is writing about. I am glad we read it, but I don't want to keep it on my own shelves.
The next book was "Aida" (the opera) told by Leontyne Price and illustrated by Leo and Diane Dillon. Again, so spectacular. I especially wanted to rip the first picture and the last picture out of the book and frame them and hang them on the wall. But the book ends with the "Royal, Ethiopian Princess who was gentle as moonlight and as beautiful as the morning star..." committing suicide so she can rest in eternity with her lover. Not exactly the message I would want my children to absorb.
Now I am reading "The Almost Moon" by Alice Seabold because I loved her book "The Lovely Bones". I don't really like this book, but I insist on finishing it before I can start "Orphans Of The Living, Stories of Americas Children in Foster Care" by Jennifer Toth. I ordered it from the book mobile at the library and have been anticipating its arrival from Berkshire Community College. From the background I read it seems like one of those books I might have read for my social work degree back in the day. My mother thinks I read too many depressing books, but I really enjoy non fiction and autobiographical books. Don't worry though- I have read all of Alexander McCalls Smiths #1 Ladies Detective Agency books to keep my spirits up.
Now I know I am going to get comments like, how do find the time to read so much? Its because I don't watch TV- well hardly anyway. When Kiana is doing her homework I sit with her and read just in case she has any questions. When Fred is watching the weather for the twentieth time that day I read. When I'm waiting at the dental clinic for forever I read. I love reading, it allows me to create a cocoon that shuts everything else out and envelopes me in a ocean of words. As long as the book is not educational in nature (ie parenting) I can jump in and out of the story as I am needed. The books that require more quiet time I save until before bed or on a quiet, rainy afternoon when I can concentrate. We tried getting rid of the TV altogether, but my husband really missed the weather station and the truck repair shows. Kiana had animal planet withdrawal syndrome. I used to be absolutely addicted to Law and Order (every one) ER and Judging Amy. I would tape them on the VCR and watch them after the kids went to bed. But I just found I couldn't stay up that late anymore and function normally the next day. It would also drive me nuts when I missed an episode- so I quit cold turkey. No more ties to prime time drama.
Media is my next strand of thought.
The world of online communication and the access to darn near anything you want. Cant remember your old zip code? Check online. What movies are playing? Check online. Who did your boss donate money to in the last election? Check online. What do your grammar school friends look like now? Check online. Its all there if you know where to look. It is the era of immediate access, within seconds. Its also completely open and unregulated. Anyone can read what I am saying right now. Even when this blog is deleted and gone there will be an imprint online somewhere of these words. This may be a scary thought. Online journaling (such as blogs) can be such a great and creative way to get your thoughts out and help friends and family to follow along in your life. It also creates a forum for which other people can criticize and negatively perceive what they are reading. I know I love blogging because I love writing, editing and reading. I usually do not really care that much if someone disagrees with me or doesn't like what I have to say. I consider myself to be a very straight forward and honest person. Ask away! I'm an open book! But recently a topic came up that I feel very conflicted about.
A family that was using a fairly new agency to Addis Ababa was recently not permitted to adopt the child they had been referred because the parent posted a photo of the child on their blog. Our agency, Wide Horizons, has always made this absolutely clear that you can not post photos of your child until they are legally deemed "yours". Unfortunately it is said that a vindictive person leaked the information to the Embassy. Sounds like a mess, I know. The part of this conversation that is concerning me though, is that the Embassy made it very clear they were not only upset about the posting of the photo, but that the family had been fund raising towards their adoption on the website. The old, "you shouldn't be adopting if you can not afford it" phrase. Our agency has said that although they absolutely understand why people choose to fund raise, and they are not saying that you cant- with the cultural difference in Ethiopia, they may not understand or look kindly on parents fund raising to come up with the money to adopt. Legally in the US you can not be licensed as an adoptive family (internationally) if your income falls below $30,000.00. How ever, right now the adoption situation in Ethiopia is getting more and more prickly. Many new agencies have moved in, and many more children are leaving Ethiopia. People are very scared. Scared that Ethiopia may end up like Russia, China or Guatemala. Many adoptive parents have chosen to stop blogging (I frequently have to go through my links and get rid of ones people have stopped contributing to- like what happened to swerl?), make their blogs password protected (private) or just not discuss anything that could be interpreted as offensive.
I myself am not sure what to do. I have taken down my direct paypal link but I am hesitant to do more. Is someone really trolling the hundreds of adoption blogs looking for offensive material? Perhaps. If fund raising is offensive, what about soliciting money from a church or applying for grant or loan? What about people that get a second loan on their house? Is that frowned upon? I know our agency said not to include any photos of animals in our home study packet because Ethiopians did not understand our indulgence of pets in this country. So will it be held against me that I have photos of my dogs and cats all over my blog? Should I hide the fact that our pit bull Harley is the best napping companion a kid could ask for? Should I abandon any topics that may be controversial or opinionated?
A family that was using a fairly new agency to Addis Ababa was recently not permitted to adopt the child they had been referred because the parent posted a photo of the child on their blog. Our agency, Wide Horizons, has always made this absolutely clear that you can not post photos of your child until they are legally deemed "yours". Unfortunately it is said that a vindictive person leaked the information to the Embassy. Sounds like a mess, I know. The part of this conversation that is concerning me though, is that the Embassy made it very clear they were not only upset about the posting of the photo, but that the family had been fund raising towards their adoption on the website. The old, "you shouldn't be adopting if you can not afford it" phrase. Our agency has said that although they absolutely understand why people choose to fund raise, and they are not saying that you cant- with the cultural difference in Ethiopia, they may not understand or look kindly on parents fund raising to come up with the money to adopt. Legally in the US you can not be licensed as an adoptive family (internationally) if your income falls below $30,000.00. How ever, right now the adoption situation in Ethiopia is getting more and more prickly. Many new agencies have moved in, and many more children are leaving Ethiopia. People are very scared. Scared that Ethiopia may end up like Russia, China or Guatemala. Many adoptive parents have chosen to stop blogging (I frequently have to go through my links and get rid of ones people have stopped contributing to- like what happened to swerl?), make their blogs password protected (private) or just not discuss anything that could be interpreted as offensive.
I myself am not sure what to do. I have taken down my direct paypal link but I am hesitant to do more. Is someone really trolling the hundreds of adoption blogs looking for offensive material? Perhaps. If fund raising is offensive, what about soliciting money from a church or applying for grant or loan? What about people that get a second loan on their house? Is that frowned upon? I know our agency said not to include any photos of animals in our home study packet because Ethiopians did not understand our indulgence of pets in this country. So will it be held against me that I have photos of my dogs and cats all over my blog? Should I hide the fact that our pit bull Harley is the best napping companion a kid could ask for? Should I abandon any topics that may be controversial or opinionated?
Fear.
We are told to fear so much in our country. Comcast is regulating what you can and can not download. AT&T is releasing our phone conversations without legal warrants. Scammers are high jacking your credit information. Its everywhere you look. No more do I want to tamper with our ability to adopt than I want to succumb to the pressures to edit and mute my thoughts and beliefs. Call me naive. Call me ego maniacal. Without the support of our community of friends, family and like minded thinkers we would not be doing this adoption. There is just no way. So by removing the element of fund raising from my blog, from my writing, I feel like I would be diminishing their participation- their importance. Sprout has an entry about this on her blog that I responded to in length. Let me know your thoughts on all of this...
In other news- PBS has a series that you must, must watch if you have a computer. Especially if you have a computer and kids, this series is an absolute must see. Its called Frontline: Growing Up Online.
So if you are a teacher, parent, prospective parent, or just want to be hip to whats really going on with children online right now, go watch this series. I am pretty restrictive about what Kiana is allowed to do online and we really limit the time frames. But I can do so much better ( I say after being online for 2 hours) and learn more tools to deal with the over connectedness our children have with media.
So if you are a teacher, parent, prospective parent, or just want to be hip to whats really going on with children online right now, go watch this series. I am pretty restrictive about what Kiana is allowed to do online and we really limit the time frames. But I can do so much better ( I say after being online for 2 hours) and learn more tools to deal with the over connectedness our children have with media.
6 comments:
I think you are brilliant. But that might just be because I think you think like me. I have always (since June of '07) wondered what ever happened to Swerl?
When will people stop to think that even though adopting a child is great for lots of reasons that it is wrong to fundraise to adopt especially for a child from Ethiopia. If the government finds out your will be kicked out of the system. If you cant afford to adopt how are you going to afford to bring up a another child. As a birthmother and having had the chance to place my child with a family that I new could give my child everything I am disgusted to see so many people asking people to donate to help them have a child. WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Re: swerl - Totally spreading rumors here, but I checked out the public CHSFS forum. I saw a post from the family I think did swerl saying that the minute the agency told them there was a good chance they would get a referral of a child with 2 living birthparents, they stopped the process.
There are many important valid points to consider about fund raising for adoptions, and as always not everyone is in the right position to do so. But isn't everyone forgetting the core basis for adopting children: they have no one else. There are many wonderful people who choose to spend their lives caring for children in orphanages, but there are not nearly enough to feed, clothe, and love all the orphaned children in the world. If some people don't step up and adopt some of these children, who will? Certainly not you, anonymous birth mother. So if deciding my future I must choose between struggling for the rest of my life to simply eat and drink and maybe go to school for a few years or, be raised surrounded by love in a family that is not rich according to the standards of the elite in the united states but wants nothing more than to give me a home and an opportunity to rise in life. I, for one, am forever thankful I was raised to value intelligence, ambition, and the ability to grow as a person more than how much money a person makes. Besides, no one who is too poor to provide adequately for a child is going to go to such lengths with such passion as my sister has. The next time you wonder if middle class citizens should be adopting, think of the last child who just died because there was no one there to feed her, then think of the recent actions you've taken to help a child in need.
Lets see, I have 3 adopted children and 2 bio children leaving with me and 1 bio child with his adoptive parents. I did not fundraise to bring the children home. I think that a loving family for all these children is great as we all should have that. What I am p*****ed with is people who think that other people should pay for them to adopt so they can resuce a child. These children dont need pity they need love, a warm, bed, a roof and education. I dont think that they should go to a home that is already struggling to afford to adopt them. The other thing is that it is ilegal to fundraise for ethiopia and if the government finds out your sister will not be able to resuce her child.
I wanted to clarify a few things...
It is not illegal to fundraise towards the administrative costs of adopting internationally (including Ethiopia). It is illegal to post photos of children that the court has not deemed you a custodial parent. If you have combined the photos with the fundraising than it certainly may look "bad" but only the photo part is illegal at this time.
Anonymous mentioned that she chose to give a child up for adoption to a family that "could give them everything" what exactly is everything? I give her much credit for choosing to adopt children- and I am sure it must have taken alot of courage to place a child up for adoption, but it does sound like you believe only people that make over $200,000 a year should be adopting. That is quite elitist. We make a comfortable combined income every year- but you are right- we may not be able to send our children to private school their whole lives, go to Disney every summer or buy them a pony. We are absolutely not under the impression that we are "rescueing" anyone. If you had read more of my blog you would understand that. We also tried to adopt from the foster care system (the poor mans way?) and had our hearts broken.
We do not have a gun against anyone's head telling them to donate to us. We are just saying that if you are interested in supporting our dreams we appreciate the support. I hope you go after people that are taking money from their church's to adopt, as fervently as you are condemning me, as I see that being the same thing. Are you also upset with people that take out loans or accept money from their relatives? I do not understand the difference. The high cost of internation adoption is due to the huge amounts of beauricratic red tape and administrative paperwork. I do not thing families should be prevented from adopting because of the high costs of paperwork. Call me crazy, but loving families come from all financial brackets.
Thanks everyone for reading, thanks Katy for your kind comments, and thanks Maeve for having my back:)
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